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The Ultimate Secret to Any Successful Relationship

Published by Kevin on April 9, 2008 in Dating. 18 Comments

When I was at the supermarket the other day I was browsing through the magazine section to purchase a few periodicals to entertain me while I am on the shitter and came across a few different women’s magazines. Not wanting to be looked at awkwardly by my fellow shoppers I grabbed a copy of Men’s Health and used it as a cover when looking at a few of these chick magazines. (I figured nobody would think I am gay if I was reading a copy of Men’s Health.)

Men's Health Magazine

All of these magazines had an article about how to have a happy and healthy relationship. Of course most of the reasons were pretty superficial or involved “communication”, whatever the hell that is. I was kind of disappointed that none of these used the three things I use to keep my relationships successful, here is my list:

Lying as much as possible- Honesty is never the best policy, I use to think brutal honesty was the best way to go. Now I just totally lie through my teeth. Screw it; tell them what they want to hear. It just keeps everyone happy. Also why give up any information that would make you look bad? I mean I used to tell all the girls I dated about my inclusion on the national sex offender registry but why bother? There are plenty of other Kevin’s in the world with my complete name and that could possibly live in the greater Boston area that are my age. Actually that isn’t true I am not a sex offender, I actually have a bad case of irritable bowel syndrome, I figured the sex offender thing softens the blow.

“De-Nile” ain’t just a river in Egypt it is also a great policy regarding my past.

(Wow that Stuart Smalley joke doesn’t work well in print at all.)

Use the threat of anal sex to get anything accomplished- Nothing works better than “well I mean it might slip into the wrong hole accidently tonight” as a threat. Of course you have to do it a couple of times by mistake to have a fear associated with the threat. Think of it this way when you were little and a parent would give you the threat of giving you a smack; you need to be smacked first in order to understand the threat. Now remember these tips work both ways so ladies you may need to invest in a strap on.

I can’t say that I am the originator of this technique; it has been going on since the 50s.

anal sex month

Completely isolate your companion from their friends- The only way you can brainwash… err… build a successful relationship is to alienate your significant other from all of their friends. You start slowly by having their friends not like you or pointing out that a certain friend is really a bad influence, possibly a crack whore. If that doesn’t work you shamelessly flirt with one of their friends and your significant other will never want you to be around them because of jealousy, eventually they will stop talking.

This isolation move is one that my friend’s fiancé made and I have to say it is brilliant. This move makes it so your date’s friends can’t point out how crappy of a mate you are. They aren’t going to be around to point out how crappy the lying and the anal sex threats truly are, making the plan complete and thus the relationship successful.

You should all go home and implement this strategy today; your happiness all depends on it.

Do you have any relationship tips you want to share?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com

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Published by Kevin on March 13, 2008 in Videos. 5 Comments

I wrote this script, although they toned down my version of it there are still a couple of funny bits in there.

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Cosmopolitan Magazine is For Whores and Idiots

Published by Kevin on March 6, 2008 in Dating. 59 Comments

On the front page of yahoo a few days ago was an article by Cosmopolitan Magazine on places for women to meet the right guy. They broke down a few locations as being “hot spots” to grab the man of your dreams. Of course their logic, like always, was totally flawed. I am going to review their locations and give you my opinion because if we have learned one thing over the course of the last four years is that I am always right.

Hot Spot: The Apple Store

Wow we are starting with an easy one. Unless they are into hot Asian girls that want to sell you a computer then there is no reason for them to go guy hunting there. Also when people are going to a store to make a major purchase or get something repaired is it really the best time for someone to swoop in and try to get a number?

Guy: I don’t know if I want the air book or mac book pro.
Girl: (randomly walks up) Whichever one you go with they have wireless so you can check your e-mail from my bed.

That doesn’t sound desperate at all.

Hot Spot: A Fortune 500 or tech company

Nothing says a smart move like getting a new job and fucking one of the guys you work with because well we all know that ends so well. What ever happened to the old rule that you never dip your pen in the company ink? Wait for a girl would that be you never drip your ink on the company pen or something like that? I am confusing myself I better move on.

nazi

(we met at a political rally, he had the cutest uniform)

Hot Spot: A political rally or campaign

“I’m looking for a boy to date… Maybe I will go to this cool save the earth rally, I mean I like the environment and stuff.”

Two months later.

Guy: What are you doing tonight?
Girl: Watching Ugly Betty and doing some laundry, you?
Guy: I’m going to go set a well to do neighborhood on fire in protest.

Well done lady, well done.

Hot Spot: A sports bar on Sunday or Monday night, the weight room of a gym, or a steakhouse

Granted these places will be full of guys but honestly Cosmo are you even trying anymore with a recommendation like that? That would be like me telling guys they can meet women at a hair salon or stripper aerobics. Come on Cosmo step it up, I expect better thought out research than that… wait what am I saying?

Hot Spot: A rock-climbing center

I don’t think I have ever met anyone that rock climbs, ever. Not at a job, not out in public, none of my friends do it… In fact because I don’t know anyone that does it I am going to assume that it doesn’t exist. Cosmo must have created rock climbing for this article just to write about something different.

Hot Spot: A grad-school coffee shop

This is what Cosmo has to say:

“The dearth of chicks, combined with the little free time these studious dudes have to play the field, means they’re thrilled when you seek them out.”

If you were reading that and actually thought it was a good idea do you look in the mirror and officially come to grips with the fact that you have hit rock bottom and are totally desperate? How demeaning is that?

Why don’t they say:
Since these guys are really busy and there are like no women in their program they will date just about anything with a vagina.

Once again Cosmo you have completely amazed me.

What is the worst advice you have seen in a magazine?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com.

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When Do I Tell A Date About Pointless Banter?

Published by Kevin on March 3, 2008 in Blogging. 75 Comments

A couple of days ago I was talking to one of my friends on the phone about a girl that I had been on a couple of dates with. My friend asked, “Does she know about your blog?” That question kind of threw me off guard a bit, because the question was asked with a tone that would go with talking about venereal disease, a kid born out of wedlock, or a criminal record. I told my friend that I had brought up my blog a little bit when we were talking about hobbies and just told her I wrote a humor blog that was a little off color (or colour for you Canadians). However, I didn’t give her the website address or anything like that because I just didn’t feel comfortable yet.

My friend told me that I shouldn’t because she thinks that it is way to intimidating because I write about past girlfriends on here and the stories about them are so negative which could come off as me hating women. Which as we all know is far from the truth. I explained to my friend I don’t write about any of the positive stories because who wants to read that crap? If you as a reader came here one day and my blog post was about how I was in love or some lovey dovey crap about a date I went on you wouldn’t return, because it just isn’t funny or entertaining.

Why do I think that?

A) Nothing funny happens if everything goes right- Really who wants to read a story about going to dinner, a movie, making out in the theatre, and then reenacting scenes from pornos when we got home? There is no humor in it at all.

B) If I wrote weepy stories about ex-girlfriends and how much I liked them- It would be depressing and weak. But if I write about the bad things that happened there is entertainment value, be it my mess-ups or their mess-ups.

Even though I made my point and my friend said she understood, she still pointed out that all of this is a lot to take in and absorb. She also felt that this site has a little bit of a negative tone, although I am not a negative person. This bugged me a little bit but I can see what she was saying.

So I decided that maybe I need to change my tone a little bit, maybe I need to change my outlook on a few things. I kind of like this girl and the last thing I want to do is scare her off completely. By the end of the week I will probably give her the url to the site and let her see it, so I want to make sure that I give a good first impression with some quality, positive, and fun entries this week.

This week I am going to write a few entries that might deviate from the normal course of the blog, just as an experiment. Stick with me and we will see if this works, plus get her reaction on the whole thing.

So if you were me when would you tell a date about this website?

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The Green Booger Girl Chronicles Part 3

Published by Kevin on February 14, 2008 in Green Booger Girl Chronicles. 20 Comments

To read the first two parts of the series, click here.

The green booger girl and I had reached a stage where… wait let me rephrase that. I had reached a stage where I need to start sticking my penis into something. Going home with blue balls from intense make out sessions on the couch for seven months was driving me to the point where I was starting to have wet dreams again. I had enough sperm built up in me to spackle an entire side of a house. (Who says stucco housing isn’t in anymore?)

sextalk With all the rumors about her having a lesbian “friend” and the fact that the little general was still held up at port I needed to sit her down and have a talk. Eventually the subject of sex was brought up and it was probably one of the top five weirdest and most uncomfortable conversations I have had or will ever have. The range of topics went from the denial of lesbianism, to if she was a virgin or not (apparently that was a no), to the fact that she is Catholic (wait didn’t you already have sex?), to she felt like things were being rushed.

While I was young, I wasn’t totally stupid. (Ignore the fact I dated her seven months, I had a moment of clarity.) I broke up with her and I told her that I felt like I was being dragged along and that I was a cover for something else that was going on. A few weeks later I started dating another girl and that lasted like a week, a month after that I was back with green booger girl and she was ready to play some ball. Now I know you are all making fun of me for going back to green booger girl but the facts were this: she had a car and I didn’t, her parents always bought me stuff, and I hated being at my house. In my mind at the time these were all good reasons for me to get back together with her.

One night after about a year of dating it finally happened, the little general came out to play and stormed the field. It was on the floor of her living room with her parents’ two rooms over in their bedroom. I think it was due to the fact that I went down on her and was probably down there a good fifteen minutes, I just wasn’t sure what else to do. She probably felt obligated at that point because she didn’t give head. (This is a running theme with just about every girl I dated for years.) It might have lasted a minute if I was lucky, but it was over, I finally had become a man.

finally had sex

Now normally this would open the door for crazy amounts of teen sex. Two weeks after we had initially slept together we were riding home from a school event on a bus (I think it was the senior cruise or something like that) and I whispered something dirty in her ear. At that point she turned around and told me that, “the only thing I thought about was sex.”

Now this put me in a situation where I had my appetite teased with sex and had “girlfriend” that no longer wanted to have it and really kind of never wanted to in the first place because she was dating a girl. Well school ended, we graduated and promptly broke up… It was an interesting summer that year, I learned a lot of lessons about myself. One of the lessons I learned was that there were a lot of girls that would have slept with me during high school that I never even thought about. (Which was a shock to me at that point.) The second biggest lesson was that when you get to college it is like hitting a giant reset button. Over that summer I met two girls at college orientation that were both into me and I was pretty much set up to date either of them when we got to school… We will tackle that in the final part of the series…

Next: It took me forever to actually learn a lesson.

How shitty was your first time?

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Holy Crap: Could it actually be a mailbag

Published by Kevin on February 13, 2008 in Sex. 14 Comments

Back in the day when I blogged on MySpace I would do a mailbag with another writer named Trista. The topics would be relationships and/or sex oriented and were always fun to do. We kind of had a falling out and didn’t talk to each other for a year but she is about to launch a new site and we figured that for old times sake we would do a mailbag together. Plus I am the only blogger she has written with that has any talent.

So check out her site at eve-101.com for more women’s shit and sex advice.

women in prison 1. What’s the best time to spring on a girl I am dating that I’ve been to prison. It wasn’t anything violent and shit. But for serious! First date? Three? Before sex? Wait till we’re committed? I’m in need of some guidance.

Trista: Hmmm….this is a conundrum.

See, the problem is you can’t be sure things will work out to your advantage after she finds out; at least I don’t think you can… (You did say it wasn’t a violent crime, correct?) As hard as it is, you need to let her know before you’re completely attached to each other. But at the same time, you need to make sure she already knows what a great guy you are and all that, because that will help to make this little factoid all the more insignificant.

So! You know that moment right before you fall in love with someone; you like her…she likes you…you are standing on the cusp, in between casual city and relationship town…you know that moment? That’s when you strike. Yeah…good luck with that.

Kevin: Probably after you rape her, rob her, and then kill her. She might get the notice at that point… scourge of society. And even if you do tell them before you do all that it is going to end the relationship either way, I hate to tell you that.

Did she not pick up on the teardrop tattoo by your right eye?

Or are you going to try and lobby for some strap on usage so it can remind you of the “old days”, kinky bastard.

2. Say, someone had contracted a std, and it was in fact something that was able to be cured. So they no longer had it. Since they no longer have it, is it something that should automatically be discussed with future sex partners? I know nobody wants to admit they have had a std, especially if it has been cured, and is no longer a problem. But should the fact that they had it at one point, make them morally obligated to disclose that information?

Trista: In a word, no.

You are not “morally obligated” to tell anyone about a previous sexually transmitted infection that has been cured, any more than you are obligated to tell someone how many times you have gotten athlete’s foot at the gym. If the infection is gone, and you have been tested recently and received a clean bill of health you are in the clear. In fact, I would go so far as to say you might never want to tell ANYONE about this, because frankly it’s gross and awkward and we just don’t want to hear about it.

But! If you are loose-lipped and all your friends already know, take warning: this probably isn’t the kind of thing you want slipping out a well meaning pal’s well lubricated lips. If you are serious about the person you are dating and it is quite possible they could find out (i.e. everyone in your group of friends calls you Gonorrhea-Girl) just tell them. Better they hear it from you, that way you can spin the story: “You remember how I told you my last boyfriend cheated on me with his dog walker? Well, he gave me something besides a broken heart…” You get what I’m saying, Gonorrhea-Girl.

Kevin: Women and their dirty vagina’s never cease to amaze me. No you don’t have to tell them if it is something that a shot takes care of. Now if you have herpes and drop that bomb on them after they booked a trip to the New Orleans Jazz and Music Heritage Festival than you should be shot…

I hate to say this though, Trista is right. If you went and told all of your friends you may want to tell your significant other because odds are it is going to come out. That is why when my penis burns when I piss the only person that knows is the doctor and my inner shame. (Note: My penis has been clean. That last statement was made for comedic value.)

3. Why are men intimidated by a woman who has her shit together?

condi

Trista: You know… I started out wanting to say that REAL men aren’t intimidated by strong, successful women, and then I realized that I would be lying to you, myself and all of Kevin’s readers. While there may be exceptions to the rule, it seems that many men are prone to feeling at least a little threatened by their flourishing female counterparts.

So all that’s left is the why, and well…I do not know for certain as I am in fact a female myself. If I was going to speculate (and I am…) I would blame it on America’s Victorian hangover. Yep. It’s our ancestor’s fault. They believed a woman’s place was in the home and it was a man’s job to go about pulling himself up by his bootstraps. Now that nonsense in embedded in our DNA.

But don’t worry; Social Darwinism is going to provide a solution. Each generation brings forth more and more loafing men willing to stay home looking at internet porn, eating Hot Pockets whilst their women are out making that money. It’s inevitable, they adjust or we humans die off. The species must be perpetuated!

Kevin: I’ve never dated a successful woman, I wouldn’t know. (And here comes the parade of hate mail from all my ex-girlfriends.) I would love to date someone more successful than me if that means they would actually spring for a dinner or two and make me wear cute outfits for them. I am down with a role reversal or role playing… whatever.

4. If you were blacked out does the sex count? What if you don’t orgasm, what then?

Trista: I think the real issue here is the fact that you are putting yourself in very dangerous situations. Blackouts are nothing to laugh at. Binge drinking, pill popping, sexual promiscuity…these are all symptoms of a much larger problem. You need to step back at take a look, missy.

But…no orgasm? Fuck no it doesn’t count. I’d want to be blacked out too.

Kevin: Maybe we should ask my prom date and half of the girls that I met in college. (Kidding) I guess it depends on how you blacked out if it was autoerotic asphyxiation it is perfectly okay, if it is from another source like pills or booze than it could be a problem.

So there you have it the return of the mailbag, it maybe a one time thing, a once a month thing, or whatever… Let me know if you want this to make a return…

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