Lower the Driver’s License age to 12 - Look, kids are gonna be kids.  They’re all going to be joyriding with their friends by the age of 11 anyway.  Why not legalize it so that we can teach them the skills that they need?  Added bonus: the girls aren’t menstruating yet, ensuring rational driving skills all month long!  And besides folks, if they gave driver’s licenses to Britney Spears and Nicole Ritchie, why NOT give them to 12 year olds?

“Oh my God, y’all, I think I just hit that hobo.”

Lower the legal voting age to 16 - Um, take a look at the last 8 years and ask yourself: could they really do worse?

Lower the age of consent to 11 Nationwide - Just think about it, not only would marriage rates SOAR all across the South and in parts of Utah but (warning, obscure literary reference ahead) Humbert Humbert’s besmirched name would be cleared at long last!.  Dateline NBC’s To Catch a Predator sure would be fucked though.  That show’s ratings gold!

Anyone else got any good ideas?

Last night I did one of those things, I attempted to watch an entire episode of The Hills. For the longest time I wore it like of badge of honor that I never watched the show. I even threw it in an ex-girlfriend’s face that I only watched quality television like Arrested Development, The Wire, Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Shield, and Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. (Like you motherfuckers don’t shed a tear when they move the bus.)

Audrina

Sure I know “of” the people on the show, I studied their recent cover for Rolling Stone (by studied I mean covering my cock with a sock and rubbing one off to pictures of Audrina).  I read the accompanying article and decided that if I ever saw Spencer Pratt on the street I would attempt to reach up through his ass and pull his spine out on principle alone. More importantly though I decided that I needed to understand this phenomenon and why people were compelled to watch. Was it to decide if the show was fake and staged or a true representation of life? Did these women hold the secret to the universe and eternal happiness? Is it vastly entertaining in a horribly mystifyingly stupid way like listening to Britney Spears talk about time travel?

I sat down last night to find out and I kept a running diary of the season premiere of season four of The Hills. Here are my findings:

Lauren is at work talking to a co-worker. Apparently her job is to hang clothing and talk. This is what I ascertained from their conversation:

-Lo and Audrina (Lauren’s housemates) don’t like each other. This is the least shocking thing ever. When more than two girls live together they don’t get along. I think it has something to do with full moons and menstruation.

-Lauren has a date with a guy she went to high school with named Doug. According to Lauren this is her first date since Brodie Jenner and her biological clock is ticking or her batteries are running low in her monster vibrator that she keeps in her panty drawer. (Just guessing.) Whichever the case Lauren needs a high hard one.

Five bucks says that sock puppet has a tongue that has gone places that he would rather not talk about

-They cut to Heidi at “work” for like two seconds. Her nose looks like Michael Jackson’s, plastic and news…. Just sayin.’

Keep her away from open flames

-Audrina is talking to her co-worker Chiara (shockingly she is white). Chiara fills the Ugly Betty role apparently. They talk about Audrina’s upcoming birthday party and the tension in the house. My guess is the tension might be caused by Lauren’s dried up and unused vagina. Perhaps Doug will save the day.

-We cut back to Heidi’s apartment. Her sister is in town and Spencer is pouting on the couch while playing X-Box. Heidi informs Spencer to be nice to which he replies, “Nice is my middle name.” Who knew?

-Doug shows up for his date with Lauren, he has spiked hair and firmly supplants himself in douchebag land. Lauren asks Doug how he is adjusting to live in LA. Um, they went to high school in Laguna Beach, which is less than an hour away from LA, what is there to adjust to?

-Okay what is the deal with the continuous soundtrack with the bottom scroll announcing what band is playing? Was there an executive decision at MTV, “Fuck videos we can just play 20 seconds of a song during a show.” Have our attention spans become that…. Oh look my remote buttons light up in the dark.

-At dinner Lauren orders a fuzzy dragon, which is also probably a perverse sexual act on urbandictionary.com let me check. Flaming dragon yes… fuzzy dragon no.

-So the date is going well and Lauren asks Doug to the party for Audrina. Doug asks who the party is forand then asks Lauren if she is a friend. So we are supposed to believe Doug has never watched or paid any attention to a show that his friend from high school is on and is completely unaware of the existence of Audrina? I don’t even watch the show and I have yanked it to her multiple times, come on Doug don’t play dumb.

-There is a commercial for the new version of 90210 and Michael from The Wire is on it. I can’t watch that show because all I will be able to think about his him shooting Bodie in the head. No, I don’t have the ability to separate actors from their previous roles.

There are a number of reasons why you would never want Omar coming up from behind on you

-The party begins and two guys show up wearing Kobe Bryant jerseys. Now I have another reason to hate the show, these guys, and everyone involved with the people on here. I can’t wait for one of them to rape a party guest after slipping them a roofie, Kobe would be proud.

-Lo apparently said something rude to Audrina in front of Lauren. Or maybe it wasn’t rude it was just edited to look that way because it didn’t sound rude, this show has officially blurred fantasy and reality for me.

-Heidi takes her sister to get a makeover in a high-end salon in LA. Too bad they can’t do anything for her double chin.

-Back at the party Doug keeps ditched by Lauren who is trying to find out why Lo isn’t at the party. She was upstairs playing with her dog for an hour. Why I do get the feeling peanut butter was prominently involved?

-Lauren begins to figure out that Audrina and Lo can never really be friends. Apparently cunts (Lo) and idiots (Audrina) can’t mix; it is like oil and water. Lauren forces the two to sit down and talk. Lo goes over to the pool house where Audrina stays and they have a heart to heart. Lo comes in and says “hi” in the most fake tone of voice known to man. Ranking right up there with the greeter at Wal-Mart and an Indian call center employee.

Lo = bitch

-Finally the two have it out and Lo deploys the bitchiest female arguing technique. She listens to Audrina’s complaints, gives her some fake validation, and then totally turns the argument against her and destroys her with some totally unfounded and illogical reasons for why they don’t get along. I feel like I am watching an argument made by every ex-girlfriend I hate. After Lo piles on Audrina tells her flat out, “We will never be friends.”

Lo made a facial expression that would rival a kid walking in on his mother having sex with the postman, milkman, and candlestick maker all the same time. (More for the shock of actually seeing a milkman and a candlestick maker actually existing in the modern world rather than the gratuitous sex.)

What did I learn?

I have no idea.

What did you learn from my review of the Hills?

Al Jolson - The Jazz Singer (1927)

In this first-ever talking picture, Al Jolson gives a fair and balanced portrayal of a black man, as is demonstrated by this ACTUAL STILL from the movie.

Laurence Olivier - Othello (1965)

Sir Laurence continues the long tradition of whites playing Othello that stretches all the way back to Bill Shakespeare’s time.  Because apparently back in the day white dudes couldn’t even bare to watch a black guy PRETEND to bang a white broad.

C. Thomas Howell - Soul Man (1986)

I remember there being a lot of outrage at the time about this movie being racist.  But where was the outrage about how retarded the premise was?!?!  Now I can suspend my disbelief just as much as the next guy, but how much of a mongoloid would someone have to be to buy C. Thomas Howell, in the above get up, as a black man?  Indian maybe, but black?

Will Smith - Various films (1991 -present)

No white man has tackled the task of playing black with as much grace and aplomb as Mr. Will Smith.  From his humble origins on The Fresh Prince all the way up to his latest work in Hancock, Will has somehow managed to effortlessly portray black men.  In fact, he is so dedicated to his craft that he married a black woman and had a black kid.  Now that’s dedication.

(And with that the Donkeysosa era begins at Pointlessbanter.net. I would like to welcome Donkeysosa as the newest writer for Pointless Banter…)

Recently they just released a new video and well… I love it.

(Wait I should probably clear up that I do not have genital warts, it was a joke people.)

While I have lived with the shame of the occasional poor choices in the hook up department I now officially have an excuse. Beer goggles have been scientifically proven to exist. I rank this discovery right up there with the discovery of the Polio Vaccine because now I don’t make poor choices; I just have an illness that is brought on by binge drinking.

There are so many benefits to this discovery:

-I can no longer be made fun of because of my poor choices. Because it is an illness my friends can never make fun of me. Just like you can’t make fun of people with AIDS or Cancer.

“Hey Tom why are you all thin and have lesions on your face?”

“I have AIDS.”

“Looks like I know who I am not getting a blood transfusion from. So can I cross you off my Christmas card list or do you think you are going to be around then? Just kidding buddy.”

See totally inappropriate.

-The morning after will never be awkward again. Instead of getting a phone number, saying you will call, trying your best to sneak out of the room, or god forbid trying to figure out how to kick them out of your apartment. You can be blunt and tell them that you suffer from a disorder and that they really need to leave.

Of course by being vague it will send them to the clinic to get checked out for STDS. But really if you can’t have some fun with your illness how can you make it through?

This discovery is simply groundbreaking. I can’t wait for the new project that they are working on. They are attempting to prove that if you eat a thing of Pop Rocks and drink a can of Pepsi your stomach will explode.

Where does this rank in the pantheon of human discovery?

(Please note: My judgment may be slanted because I drank half a bottle of Captain Morgan’s before going to the Karma police show.)

-I worked with the leader singer of the Karma Police; I have never worked with Thom Yorke in any sort of professional capacity.

-I can was able to make jokes to the leader singer of the Karma Police like:
“So is watching the movie ‘Rock Star’ like watching porn for you?”
“Have you ever made a girl shit in a kitty litter box in order to get backstage?”
And numerous others I can remember.

-I can’t make requests to Thom Yorke, although he did play the one song I wanted the other night. Maybe we have a telepathic connection. I might need to potentially explore this.

-I was able to see the Karma Police in a small bar with maybe a hundred people. I saw Radiohead at the Comcast Center with like 18,000. Parking is much easier with just a hundred people.

-Thom Yorke has never high fived he from stage nor sent me a shout out.

-Nobody from Radiohead drank with me between sets.

-I did not black out at Radiohead and wondered how I got home. Wait that might be a strike against the Karma Police, now that I think about it, yeah it is a strike against them.

By the way if you live in Buffalo you can see the Karma Police at Broadway Joe’s on August 22nd. Virginities will be lost that night… Or so I have heard.

I am going back to laying on the couch now.

What is the best cover/tribute band you have ever seen?

Setlist from last night

1. Reckoner
2. Optimistic
3. There There
4. 15 Step
5. Kid A
6. Nude
7. All I Need
8. The Gloaming
9. National Anthem
10. Videotape
11. Jigsaw Falling Into Place
12. The Bends
13. Faust Arp
14. Weird Fishes/Arpeggi
15. Everything In Its Right Place
16. Exit Music (for a film)
17. Bodysnatchers
18. House of Cards
19. I Might Be Wrong
20. Paranoid Android
21. Wolf at the Door
22. How To Disappear Completely

23. Cymbal Rush
24. Karma Police
25. Idioteque

Spring came along with baseball season and we all forgot about the horrors of basketball season. As graduation approached we were all feeling good. Most of us got accepted to college and we all began to slack a little. One of the benefits of being a senior in my high school was that we were able to roam the halls and do whatever we pretty much wanted during our study halls. This freedom was cleverly titled, “Senior Study Hall.” (Most of the time we sat in one of the Math teacher’s rooms and fired pencils into the ceiling while sexually harassing our friend Jessica.)

The women’s basketball coach had an office off of a smaller gym in the high school; she gave us the ok to play basketball in the gym. For most of the spring semester we would go in there and hang out shooting the ball around and talking to whomever came by. In the last week of school my friend Marty dunked the ball and broke the rim, we all scattered and got out of that gym as fast as possible. (This is what their cheap asses get for not installing break away rims.)

With two days left in school, one by one we were called into the Vice Principal’s office and were asked about what happened in the gym. Marty came clean and said he would pay for it but it didn’t end there. The Athletic Director/Men’s Basketball Coach was pissed that we broke the rim and wanted us all to serve four hours of detention on our last day of school. He told the Vice Principal that we never had permission to be in the gym. We fired back saying that that Women’s Basketball Coach gave us permission and was in the gym over 90% of the time when we played. She was then promptly called into the meeting and denied ever giving us permission and said she had never seen us in there. That bitch was lying in order to appease her boss.

Then to pour salt in our wounds RJ, who was one of the star basketball players the coach liked, didn’t get detention even though he was in the gym at the time of the incident. The only people to get it were the guys that quit the team and the people that went to the game holding signs. An adult looking to get petty revenge was railroading us and we didn’t like the taste it was leaving in our mouths.

As a group we figured that we just wouldn’t go. What were they going to do we were graduating? Of course the administration thought of this and called all of our parents. They told them that if we didn’t serve detention we would not be able to walk across the stage at graduation. While some of us wanted to hold out on the principle of the whole thing, some our parents freaked and just told us to serve detention.

A day before we were to serve detention four of us went to the supermarket that we all worked at to grab our paychecks and something to drink. On the way out we saw the Athletic Director/Basketball Coach walking into the store. Marty quickly gave him the finger as we waved to us to a smarmy fashion. A look of shock came over his face and begin to bitch at us while stuttering (he was nicknamed “Stuttering Tom”) we kept walking. Marty’s parents got a call later saying that they were afraid there was going to be an incident at graduation and that the school felt he shouldn’t attend. His parents assured the school nothing was going to happen and he was allowed to go.

Sadly Bender wasn't in detention with us

In the end we learned a valuable lesson throughout the entire school year and this saga. Even if you were doing the right thing or if you played within the rules someone more powerful than you can pervert the rules and crush you.  We served the detention (and sadly we were not asked to write an essay telling them who we thought we were), we walked across the stage at graduation, but we would not let the events of our senior year go. We needed to enact revenge and revenge we would enact.

The basketball diaries now officially turn into crime and punishment.

Have you ever had someone abuse their power to spite you?

(Note: Bumper stickers will be shipped out either Saturday or Monday.)

1) Synchronized diving is really fucking stupid.
2) Misty May of the women’s beach volleyball team has a tramp stamp.

W. is a fan

In the past I have covered which sports are quickest to turn your daughter into a complete lesbian. Now I want to comb through my experiences and breakdown which female sport produces girls with the most casual moral attitude. (aka the most likely to get hammered and sleep with me)

For years I always had a thing for female athletes. I have “dated” dancers, cheerleaders, former gymnasts, volleyball players, and basketball players. Over this period of time I have cobbled together these keen observations.

Note: Cheerleaders are obviously absent from this list because cheerleading has never been and will never be a sport. Same with auto-racing, I am only talking about athletes here.

5) Failed gymnasts- There is a group of women out there that ended up actually getting their period and developing breasts while competing in gymnastics. This physical development ruined their chances of competing at the highest level of the sport. However when they reach college and young adulthood they want to show off their flexibility still.

4) Softball players- Just kidding, they hate men. Unless they are middle infielders, for some reason the shortstop and second baseman always get around. Plus what is the deal with their thighs? Softball players are built like mini-inside linebackers. Except Jennie Finch…

If I were twenty years younger

3) Swimmers/Divers- Girls that hang around the pool are partiers. I think this is because most of them are from or end up going to school in Southern California or Arizona. These are the girls that end up posing in Playboy or in calendars and are always fun to drink with. Right Amanda Beard?

2) Soccer players- I can’t explain this but girls that play soccer are absolutely wild. I always thought that they would tend to lean towards the way of softball and basketball players, hating men and loving each other. They are nothing like that. Could this be the European influence here on the world’s greatest game? Maybe they just loosen up because it is soccer and nobody really care about the sport in America. So they can get away with more things and fly below the radar versus basketball players or other popular women’s sports. Or perhaps they need to be hammered and crazy in order to generate any interest in them or team on most college campuses?

the spanish soccer team

1) Volleyball players- Volleyball players are always really ripped for some reason and they love to show off their bodies. I have dated three volleyball players including the infamous bed wetter. These girls were always the hardest drinking girls. I think maybe because volleyball requires the least amount of cardio work, so they can go to practice hung-over and not die.

they called Clinton a poon hound?

Now I probably should address which male atheletes have the most casual moral attitudes. The answer is all. Except for wrestlers because well wrestling is um…

How would you rank the sports? Are you watching the Olympics?

For some reason though I can’t picture in my head people existing when they aren’t around me. It isn’t that I think the world revolves around me or that I am that important, I just can’t picture it. While I know people physically go to work and carry on with their lives I just can’t visualize them doing it. Like right now I think everyone that reads my blog is reading it all at the exact same time. Forget time zone differences or the fact that you have jobs, lives, and different routines. Also forget the fact that the stats tell me otherwise. I just picture you all sitting there and reading it. Not in a hanging on every word sort of way but more in a “this is just what you are doing” type of thing. I can’t conceive that some of you might be doing it at work, on the shitter, on a cell phone, printed it out, possibly on a train, masturbating to it, or reading it to your children at night. This possibly makes me a complete idiot.

This really manifests itself when I see the status of an ex-girlfriend on MySpace or Facebook. The other day a former girlfriend changed her Facebook relationship status from whatever it was to “engaged” and I saw it on my front page when I logged in. I was floored, when did they have time to date let alone find someone and get engaged?

Now mind you we dated seven years ago.

Of course over those seven years I have probably gone out on a date with 100 (or 7) women. I have had months go by without me thinking about these ex-girlfriends.  And they have probably dated, loved, cried, laughed, and participated in deviant sexual acts with numerous people over that time frame. Yet I am still shocked that at this moment they are engaged.

This picture is as pointless as this post

For a second I thought it was maybe that I am super self-involved. Maybe I feel like that they should be unable to love because I am not in their life? But that is so stupid and I know I don’t really believe that.
I decided to put this to a test and try to figure out what the people that live below me do all day.

Here is what I imagined:
They poop, shower, change clothing, and brush their teeth.
They eat three meals.
And they sleep.

I can’t imagine what they do the rest of the day. Out of 24 hours I may have just accounted for like 10. Maybe they watch documentaries about Nazi Germany on the History channel. (Which could be the only the thing History channel shows… well that and shows with the guy from Full Metal Jacket.) I have no idea.

Holy crap… I think I must have gotten a contact high from watching
“Pineapple Express” in a movie theatre full of stoners.

I am going to sit here and think about what you are all doing right now. Stop touching yourself.

I have no idea what I have just written, do you?