About six months ago my friend broke up with his girlfriend that he had been living with. I was back home in Western, NY visiting my friends and at our normal bar, the Vital Spot. After a night of drinking my friend’s brother had to empty the back of his truck before driving all of us drunkards home. The contents of the truck were the left over remnants of his brother’s girlfriend belongings from their house. Everything was thrown in the dumpster including a life sized self-portrait of the ex girlfriend, which I noticed getting tossed in with rest of the clutter and junk.

Now I am an asshole. And in my drunken mind I thought that the life sized portrait had value. There were many things I could do with it including:

-Putting it on the back of my bathroom door for masturbation material.

-I could reenact the painting scene from Titanic without having to actually draw or paint anything.

-Pearl necklace target practice.

-I could put it at my kitchen table and feel like I have someone to talk to when I eat breakfast, fulfilling my otherwise empty life.

Or… I could wait for our fantasy football draft, cover the picture like they did in the movie “Major League” and strip off pieces each time my friend and I had a draft pick. Removing the pieces of “clothing” would end up revealing crudely written messages on her body and a hidden fleshlight vagina for the final punch. The few people that knew about it thought it was a winner.

There were some concerns brought up over this joke. Would it be too personal? Over that six-month period my friend got a new girlfriend, so it wouldn’t really pouring salt into a wound. It looked liked all systems were go and the one or two people that knew about this sat on it for months. In fact I even forgot that I pulled it out of the dumpster and stashed it at my friends house until 6 weeks before the draft when I came back to visit.

When the time came to put all this together I approached it like the greatest arts and craft project of my life. I had to figure out how to not only stand up the picture but how to support a giant plastic flashlight that had a vagina at the end of it. I finished it the night before the draft and was giddy with the reaction this was going to get. In my mind I figured I would get the laugh and the person that we were pulling the practical joke on would bash it into pieces. We all would laugh and move on with our lives. Perhaps threats of bodily harm would be tossed about. How wrong was I?

The next day when I revealed it at the draft the room fell silent. The victim just looked at it and didn’t say anything. He gave me a star of death and said, “classless”. To say it didn’t go over well would be an understatement. The entire room had that awkward feeling you get when a couple gets in a fight with each other in a confined space where you have to spend the next few hours with them… Epic FAIL.

I took the picture down when we took a break at the draft, broke it in two to get it out of the building as fast as possible… I threw away the structure and all I was left with was a fleshlight for my trouble.

Maybe that isn’t a bad thing?

It was that I was watching for a bit last night on ESPN.

I have to admit, in some ways those ladies out there playing softball I find entertaining. They bust their asses to get as far as they have, some of the players have mad skills, and lesbian jokes aside, some of them are pretty cute.

But the question I have for you is one that comes up every time I see this on the field of play.

I have nothing against the gender equity in coaching. Seriously. I feel that there are many women coaches in basketball or whatever that are highly qualified and better than many of their male counterparts as to the job of coaching Men’s teams. (Pat Summit comes to mind).

So, why is it that I find that men coaching high school or college women’s sports really high on the creepiness factor? It just bothers me and maybe that is my own issue I have to deal with. I just always imagine some middle aged dude with a porn ’stache, nut-hugger shorts and a dicky-doo uniform shirt on.

Mustache Rides in the On Deck Circle...$0.25

And they’re out there to spend inordinate amounts of time with 15-22 year old females not to teach them the finer points of the sport they coach, but to find a way to get some seedy crotch and cameltoe photos to throw some man-onnaise at and submit to voyeur porn sites.

Hence the question. Do you find that there is a certain level of creepiness in male coaches of H.S. and college female teams?

Or am I being entirely too serious about a subject as entertaining as women playing softball with their eye black made to look like mascara running and their rah-rah shit after each pitch?

1) I refuse to watch “The Bucket List” because I don’t like confronting my own mortality

Personally I would love to say that I refuse to watch it because it is a piece of sentimental cheesy bullshit but I would be just making a proclamation about something I have never seen… and since when do I do that?

In reality I just don’t want to confront my own mortality. I like to think of myself as an indestructible swashbuckling dude. Thinking about death nullifies both traits. Wait… can someone even describe himself or herself as swashbuckling? (Who am I kidding women can’t have swashbuckling anywhere near their name.) Isn’t that more of activity?

To clear this up, apparently swashbuckling is an adjective that means flamboyantly adventurous.

Swashbuckling

2) As I have matured I have stopped drunk dialing and have now moved onto drunk texting

I was a BIG drunk dialer; in fact I even have documented some of my favorite calls before. Instead of drunk dialing now I drunk text. I wonder if that is me showing some maturity and respect by not calling people late at night during the week or if I have just become lazy? Why call when you can just text? That makes sense… right? Along with why eat healthy when you can just go to Wendy’s? Why go shopping when you can just have everything shipped to you? Why have sex when you can just purchase Japanese vag in a can?

watermelon flavored?

Let’s ignore that last statement.

3) For being so smart (allegedly) I can do some really dumb things

On my way back to NY last week I stopped to get gas. When I went to go pump said gas into my lovely car the nozzle wouldn’t fit in the gas tank. I examined my car and thought that I had broken something where the nozzle went in. I kept looking at it and trying to figure out what the hell I had done wrong, why was my car broke, and how was I going to get home if I couldn’t pump gas. I was two seconds away from calling AAA when I put the nozzle back onto the pump and realized I had grabbed the diesel nozzle.

Have a great weekend everyone. I am going to the Red Sox vs. Mets game… wearing Mets stuff. This should be good.

Also for you Chicago area readers… I am going to be in town the first weekend in June at a conference and am having a little get together. Check out the information here.

6. Chester Arthur

Height: 6′ 2″

Weight: 220 pounds

Chester is a lightweight compared to some of the fatties on this list, especially considering his height.  But still, check out the double chin on the Chestmeister.  Thank God he added the muttonchops for that…slimming effect.

Fun Fact: In a tragic accident, killed White House cat fluffy when he mistook her for an hors d’oeuvres.

5. Bill Clinton

Height: 6′ 2″

Weight: 236

Slick Willy used to take a lot of heat for his weight back in the day, until his heart exploded and he was forced to drop some pounds.  Fact is though, he’s really not that much of a chunkster.  To use a talk show analogy, he’s more Tyra than he is Oprah.

Fun Fact: Stuck a cigar in a tubby intern’s cooch.  Sometimes this shit just writes itself!

4. John Adams

Height: 5′ 7″

Weight: 200 pounds

This cute little tub of guts was the full package: chunky, bald, moody, and emotionally unstable.  But WTF, he was the leader of the free world, so bitches, stand in line for you tiny sliver of John Adam’s sweet meats.  Adams had the last laugh too: he ate whatever the hell he wanted and STILL lived to be 90 years old.  SNAP

Fun Fact: John Adam’s 100 year old corpse was offered a role as one of the munchkins in The Wizard of Oz.  It declined.

3. Theodore Roosevelt

Height: 5′ 8″

Weight: 220 pounds

It is true that Theodore was a very active man throughout his life, but he went through long stretches of time when he ballooned up into a bonafide chubster.  Ted may have been fat, but judging by his obsession with killing things, chances are pretty good that he had a really, really small penis.

Fun Fact: Theodore’s most famous quote was actually misheard.  What he actually said was “Speak softly and carry a stick…of butter.”

2. Grover Cleveland

Height: 5′ 11″

Weight: 305 pounds

Forget chubby, Cleveland was just a straight up fat-ass.  Here are some true facts:

• His nieces and nephews called him Uncle Jumbo
• His weight caused him to suffer from sleep apnea
• He developed GOUT for chrissake.

Fun Fact: An entire team of workers was employed to clean the shart stains out of Cleveland’s parachute-sized undergarments on a weekly basis.

1. William Howard Taft

Height: 6′

Weight: 335 pounds

Holy Hell was William Taft fat.  He too suffered from gout and sleep apnea, but that was just the beginning of Taft’s health woes.  He also suffered from hypertension, constipation, and (here’s a shocker) heart problems.  Despite all this, he somehow managed to live to a ripe old age of 71.  William Taft, America salutes you.  Your next double quarterpounder’s on us brutha.

Fun Fact: As the above picture shows, Taft was the first and only president to have a gock.

In Memory of

LiL Pac

1984-2002

“Don’t Hate the Playa, Hate the Gizzame”

Damn that was some funny shit to see on a sunny Saturday afternoon, wasn’t it?  Still is.  Problem is, now these stickers are EVERYWHERE.  You can’t escape them.

As it turns out, Ricky wasn’t Army Strong (look carefully)

The memorial window sticker craze gives rise to a few pertinent questions.

1. WTF?  Other than to bum out all of us complete strangers and serve as a constant, depressing reminder to yourself and your loved ones that someone close to you has died, what exactly is the point of these things?

2. How ironic would it be if you died in a fiery car crash while driving around with that sticker on your car?

3. Are you retarded?

But why stop with announcing the death of your loved ones on your rear window?  Here are some other ideas for you.

• My Marriage – 1990-2004
• I Have Crabs
• I Was Once Accidentally Blown by a Transexual
• On Several Different Antidepressants Since 1997
• Have You Ever Thought About How Pointless Life Really Is?
• Will Someone Please Shoot Me in the Face

There are certain political and social issues that no matter what you do the debates will become circular and there is no real compromise to be reached. Religion, abortion, legalization of whippets, and other topics will just never have people compromise and move on. There are other issues that are just too complex and nuanced for most people to understand or for an easy resolution to come: immigration, the designated hitter, and if Lady GaGa is attractive or not.

One issue that I just don’t understand is why there isn’t any compromise on is gun control? After this year’s end of winter shooting season the debate has risen again. (I totally think we should just blame seasonal affective disorder.) But once again each side is entrenched, bought out by lobbyists, unrealistic, or just plain nuts i.e. Glenn Beck. (THEY WANT TO TAKE ALL YOUR GUNS AND MOLEST YOUR CHILDREN… [insert tears here].)

Politically I consider myself down the middle with a slightly left lean on social issues. I believe in logic, compromise, and really hate bullshit rhetoric. I get why people want to, can, and should own guns. I have friends and family that hunt and have guns for protection. Would I own one? No, but I respect and understand why people do. As long as people are properly trained, licensed, and have a responsible place to keep it I am all for you owning a handgun, shotgun, and most rifles.  I even get the slightly wing nut reasoning that it can be looked at as a responsibility of the citizen to arm themselves to hold off oppressors. (Considering how our country was founded. No I am not wearing a tin foil hat right now.)

There are two points to this debate I don’t get. First is why people need like an AR15 or automatic rifle? Wait, I should use the term that people use now for these “Sport Utility Firearms”. (I love how we can masturbate the English language to make anything sound better. “Honey that wasn’t a hooker you caught me with but a natural relaxation therapist.”)  I’m sorry you aren’t going to be hunting Bambi with that and honestly if you can’t fend off a burglar with a handgun then you probably need to move to a different neighborhood. There really isn’t any positive to these being on the market. Well except for the one reason I have been hearing lately? Gun collectors.

Gun collecting is also used as reasoning for the second point I don’t understand, why should going to a gun show and picking up a weapon should be allowed? I think it is bullshit that there is a major loophole with that. Why you ask? Because gun shows/baseball card shows/(insert canceled TV show conventions here) are no better than flea markets. I went to the flea market when I was little and bought the infamous and outlawed lawn darts. I was barely a teenager, they didn’t question it, and let me just say the results weren’t good. (Note: Tossing lawn darts and trying to hit your sister leads to a really long punishment.)

Besides when did collecting anything become a reason to make anything okay? Can we use the “I collect it” card to get out of anything now?

Judge: Mr. Johnson you have the skulls of 14 kids in your basement. How do you plead?
Mr. Johnson: Your honor I am a collector.
Judge: Oh shit, I didn’t know it is totally okay then.

On the flip side to this you can’t just ban gun ownership in cities. (cough Washington DC cough) It is too late in the game and our history to do something like that. So why can’t there be a middle ground reached here? People can own guns but you can’t go pick up a rocket launcher at a gun show because you like to collect high-grade explosives to sell to Mexican drug cartels at a 300% markup.

And please for the love of all things that are important to me when you debate the issue on cable news can you stop with the “they want to take all your guns” and “because people can buy guns everyone will die” arguments? No good discussions come from it.

There I just solved that issue what’s next? Is making out cheating? If you get a blow job from a trannie does that make you gay? What subject do I need to handle?

The unfortunate thing about that many people is that invariably, we all have to do combine math and logic, which is never fun. Why? Because math and logic will inevitably prove to us that in this case, a majority of that 529 mill is gonna piss us off.

Here are six people that, as of today, piss me off. This list could be seven types of people, but I will defer “idiot blogger with a huge self of self importance and bad ideas” for you commenters.

6. Student Activists

Why is it that college students feel that they are being listened to? I mean, for years now we have had to see riots on college campuses, protests over war, meat eating, poor athletic performance, global warming, general horsefuckery, etc, all put on by people that should worry less about the icecaps melting and perhaps put some of that water to use with a little thing called “soap”.

Sure, some world events are shitty. They are outrageously shitty. But I don’t think that Darfur is too concerned with what you, Jimmy “HashBrownie” McStinky, have to say in their defense.

And to take that a step further, the shitty thing is that in 10 years you’re gonna wish that you spent less time acting like a fucking retard and more time learning accounting, because my change at Burger King ain’t gonna count itself.

5. Religious folks that deny the theory of Evolution yet love their Pharmaceuticals.

It’s funny because I read where someone thought the same thing, and I was pissed, because I thought about it too.  You see, living in a religiously conservative portion of the country, I get all types of people that force the thought that Evolution is crap, that science is garbage and only the Lord can take care of certain things like health and sickness.

Then I see them in line at the doctors office or at a Pharmacy.

So, which is it? You either think the world was created by God Himself lighting a fart, or you believe Dr. Viagra McRubberglove cures ills…you can’t have both. Science created that pill to help ease your hypertension, for you. Take it and shut the fuck up.

4. Angry Panhandlers

Every week I am approached by some dude who looks like he bathed in a city sewer and his meals consist of used condoms and rat feces. And if that is the case, well, then I guess I would be pissed off too. But that is not the case, because I see these people eat better than I do in a lot of cases. So why the attitude when you ask me for “change” and I don’t give you any? Why must you act so outraged when instead of money I offer you the rest of my meaty, fresh, five…five…$5 foot-loooong?

Because you suck…and you suck because you make more money than I do, in reality. Let’s line up balance sheets, Red Foxx. Odds are with my expenses and my child support, you and the used condom wrapper you ate make more money than I do. So fuck off with that attitude.

3. People (always men) that kill their entire families because THEY fucked up.

These selfish motherfuckers. I don’t get it.

Some unhinged cocksucking scat freak with misfiring synapses that opposes abortion yet goes on thinking that the world is shit and he is “rescuing” his family from it all by killing them too.  Let me say I am all for those that believe in science to come up with a “looney tunes o-meter” so somebody can run these people over with a school bus before they end up being described by their old neighbor, Ms. I. Wearabathrobe as “he was so normal. I never thought he would be a guy to do this.”

2. Political/Financial Pundits

Hi there. I’d like to introduce you to Mr. Unhingedcocksuckingscatfreak. Your advice, (advice that is always wrong yet you are millionaires), on TV made him lose tons of money and now he is going to kill his family and himself. Just stand there and smile.

Fire!

1. Facebook Snobs

I’m not picking on females as a gender here, because a vast majority of you ladies are fucking cool. I mean, “I have lots of women friends, yo.” This is for the minority that have this huge sense of self-importance and feel that every man out there is carrying an Ethyr rag with the intent on knocking them out and bending them over an Ottoman.

Look, ladies. Ahem. I understand that there is a certain creepiness factor within this thing we call “social networking”. A vast majority of us men are only being social. No, we’re not looking to pilfer your 1,022 pictures of you and twenty of your closest friends at the bar tongue fucking each others ears while flashing gang sings, in an effort to further our masturbatory experience. So, don’t flatter yourself toots.

It is a social networking site. Odds are, if we have more than a few “common friends”, we share some of the same interests and hell, maybe even met before. So why the inquisition? “Do I know you? Your name isn’t familiar” or my personal favorite, “I’m married you know.”

Hmmm…does it fucking matter? I don’t care if you have the cure for cancer AND Avian Flu lodged in your uterus. I just asked you to be a virtual friend, jerk! So in the case that I don’t know you, I CAN GET TO KNOW YOU! Asshole.

Good Lord, my systolic is off the charts now.

It has become so depressing that I actually felt bad for postal workers. Not only do these people have the most repetitive jobs on the face of the earth, so much so that it makes them snap and go on shooting sprees but now they are faced with complete and utter emptiness. So I have thought of a few ideas to make the post office fun again.

You're freaking me out man

1) Laced stamps- Get rid of the adhesive stamps and go back to the old ones that you had to lick. Now instead of that glue that tastes like my ass lace it with something…. LSD… whatever. At least going to the post office will now be an “experience”.

Ew I opened a box with a crack whore

2) Be allowed to actually ship people- How awesome would it be if you could package up a friend and send them to a random city? Imagine the fun of getting wrapped in a box and the next time you open it you could be anywhere in the world! What a fun little game to play with you and your friends.

“Shit… Indiana again?”

3) Raffles for unclaimed or lost mail- I read somewhere that mind boggling amounts of mail go each year unclaimed or unable to be mailed. What better way to put that mail to use than to raffle it off when you go to the post office? Imagine the fun you would have hoping to get a misaddressed birthday card full of cash or a package with something fun in it? Of course you could always lose out and get stuck with a letter to Santa or a Publisher’s Clearing House packet.

“What did you get?’

“Dammit… a BMG CD of the month, the Jonas Brothers. You?”

“Naked pictures of a chick that a girl is sending to her boyfriend in the Army!”

“Score!”

4) Spin the wheel and make a deal- Well pretty much know what we are going to pay for postage before we go. Why not make it interesting and create a wheel that we spin that will determine the postage by chance? Throw in some prizes like Victoria Secret catalogs and other random things on the wheel and now you take the routine and make it utterly sublime. I’d find a reason to mail something everyday if I knew there was a game of chance mixed with prizes. Who wouldn’t?

What would you do to make the post office more fun?

CoEd Naked- Nothing says sexy like double entendre based around a common activity. The CoEd naked shirts have covered sports, programs, and activities. The question I have is has any guy ever picked up a woman wearing one. Is there an additional degree of difficulty in doing that if you are wearing a shirt that says, ”CoEd Naked Law Enforcement: Against the wall and Spread Em”?

Hyperpcolor- Hypercolor was a line of t-shirts that changed color when you touched them with something really warm or cold. The debuted in the late 80s and were semi popular in the early 90s. My friend Jeff had one and I had to say the thing never worked. Although I am sure there were a lot of females that had their breast groped in order to see if those shirts really worked.

You know… they made shorts maybe I should invest in a pair or two.

The regrettable band shirt- Just about everyone I that I know that has been to a concert owns a regrettable band t-shirt. This is a t-shirt that you just can’t throw away because of the memories it holds but will probably never wear it again. Well unless it becomes a cool retro t-shirt to wear than you will be trying to sell it on e-bay and saying that the hole in the armpit adds to it’s authenticity.

Big Johnson T-Shirts- If you think the CoEd Naked line was tacky just wait until you see it’s competitor Big Johnson. I really think the whole creative meeting went like this.

Executive 1- We need a new t-shirt design.
Executive 2- How ‘bout a shirt with women with big ole titties and a dorky guy talking about a business but he really means his cock.
Executive 1- It is better than those happy face t-shirts we haven’t been selling since 1981. Let’s run with it.

No Fear- I am going to come clean right now and admit that I owned two No Fear T-shirts. One of them said, “Second Place is the First Loser…. NO FEAR.”

This probably explains why I didn’t have a real girlfriend until my junior year of high school.

What are some t-shirts you regret ever owning? Have you ever owned any of the above?

I’m talking about couples with Facebook pages. (Or MySpace, which is now the “once cute but now crystal methed out” version of social networking sites.)

Now, I am not referring to, “I’m in a relationship with…” parts of a persons page. I am referring to the two people that went out of there way to create, populate and maintain an entire page of them together.

Look, people. I get that you want to live in perfect harmony with each other and you are cutesy and since you are now a couple, you share everything together, you do everything together, you would like the internet world you relate to know that you two are happily fucking in the privacy of your own apartment.

Well, I say “eat my ass.” And knock it the hell off.

Is your individuality so lost in the wind now that you can’t even have a singular page, Mr. and Mrs. Missionaryposition from Rawcock, Idaho?

What posseses you, Rich-n-Judy Shitonmyface from Onceavirgin, Oregon, to remind us constantly that you are together so much that you can’t even separate virtually?

Is one of you that fucking stupid that you cannot create a page for yourself, you know, so that YOUR friends can find you and YOUR friends can see how YOU are, not the both of you?

Now, there are two kinds of people behind this nonsense. And since they are clearly in the minority of this online world, I think I’m pretty safe.

One is the uber-sanctimonious, “It should be all about ME in OUR relationship now” type.

Usually a woman, she is so insecure with her own personality that she feels much safer just adopting her husband or partners persona to mesh and make something resembling interesting, if not special. In most cases, the man has no idea the amount of work that was involved in this by his rabbit boiling, Fatal Attraction type S.O., other than she has warned him of not inviting his “former” best friend Vinny “Forty Shots” Drunkenpuken from adding them as a friend because of the way he violently vomited shellfish all over their wedding cake during their reception at the Friars Fuck Golf Club…nine years ago.

Then there is Super Jealous Guy.

The husband that lays down the law in his own house damn it! He won’t allow any wife of his (see: property) to maintain any kind of horseshit like MySpace or Facebook because there are trolls everywhere and THEY ALL want to lay the pipe to his wife!

And this is false of course, because either his wife is a). a butterface pig that has Indian Corn for teeth and a mullet or b). a disease riddled whore. Regardless, as was overheard at the 14th Annual Pancake Breakfast and Liquor Luge Race, held at the Buttplug, Alabama VFW, “She ain’t never gonna have one of them pages on that fangled interweb unless I am part of it so I can see who she’s talkin’ to. HEY WOMAN! OINK YOUR FAT ASS ON OVER AND GET ME A BEER AND A DOUBLE SHOT OF WHISKEY, MISS PIGGY!”

Regardless, 95% of us have our own social networking pages, our own personality, our own life so to speak, and that is the way those great founders wanted those pages to be like. But since the squeaky wheel gets the grease, well, all I can say is STOP!

Then again, if people in relationships would stop fucking around on their significant others, none of this would be an issue right? Meh…it still would be.

Next stop? People who have nothing but pets in their photo albums.

What say you? Do these pages drive you nuts or is it just me?