For those of you who don’t know what erotic fan fiction is … well basically it is poorly written stories penned by disturbed social misfits where they have characters from books, movies, and television get it on. If you ever wanted to read about a Harry Potter threesome with Hermione getting railed from both ends by that Giant dude and Hans from “Die Hard” well you can find it on the interwebs.

So today I would like to unveil my new story, well the start of it anyway.

“Gonzo fucks the Olsen Twins”

It was a dark and stormy night in Manhattan, one where you could taste the pain and despair of the city on your tongue. Two young waifs walk down an alley looking to drown the pressures of fame with some cheap bourbon and some even cheaper thrills. The clicks of their heels echo through the alleyway, finally the sound stops as they reach an unmarked door.

“Is this it?” Mary Kate purrs with excitement.

Ashley quickly slaps her sister across the face, “I don’t know, I haven’t been here before you fucking idiot. Christ, the shit I have to do to get you laid you worthless piece of crap.”

Mary Kate’s eyes well up but she swallows hard and pulls herself together. She quietly thinks to herself that this probably won’t be the first time she is going to be swallowing hard this evening. A sense of anticipation and glee overtake her, she is turned on, partly from the flesh of her sister hitting her and partly from what is about to come.

The two women push the door and walk into a dimly lit bar. This place isn’t one that you would take your family or even your worst enemy. Throughout the bar you see people that have lived a hard life full of broken dreams, misspent youth, and times in the hoosegow. Both women walk through the bar slowly, checking out the patrons but avoiding eye contact.

Finally they stop in the corner at a booth occupied by a lone individual. His face and body is obscured by the shadows but one can still make out one appendage, his large and crooked nose.

Mary Kate looks into the booth, “I hear you like to party.”

Gonzo leans forward, “What are you guys into?”

“I’d like to snort coke off your nose,” Mary Kate whispers while Ashley takes a step forward and stumbles into the booth, her face almost in Gonzo’s crotch.

“And I’d like to snort a combination of Adderall and diet pills off of your… wait is it as crooked as your nose?”

That is all I have for now… I really think I am onto something.

What pair of fictional characters would you like to see/not see bang?

First of all there were more women at the event than men (10 men vs. 14 women), which I guess was good for me especially when you break down the women.

4 of the 14- In Roman times these four women would have been tossed off a cliff so they didn’t weaken the gene pool.

2 of the 14- I call this the “I wear horribly inappropriate clothing for my body type” group. We come in all shapes and sizes, I am far from slim and far from morbidly obese but I recognize what I can and can’t wear clothing wise. When your cleavage and fat roll combine together to make a breastgut, which you show off by wearing the tightest shirt possible than you need an intervention

4 of the 14- Dateable, attractive, and I would go on a real date with them.

4 of the 14- The other four are severely lacking a personality and probably are owners of multiple cats.

4 out of 14 isn’t horrible I guess. I should also point out that 2 out of 14 were psychiatrists. I am not sure what that tells you about that field of study. On the flip side this is what I was up against. (Not including myself.) Now mind you this is just based off of looks, I didn’t actually talk to any of the guys.

2 out of 10- Two of the guys were pretty well put together. Groomed and dressed decently. You can tell they showered, which can’t be understated.

1 out of 10- A guy wearing a Cosby sweater.

1 out of 10- The event was for people 29-39. There is no way this guy was under 45. In fact he looked like the dad from “Just the Ten of Us”.

1 out of 10- Shaved head, goatee, and an arm sleeve of tats, the bad boy of the group. He had a ton of attention before the event started from the ladies that were there early. Women love guys that potentially suffer from hepatitis, it is just a fact.

4 out of 10- I am going to just assume that they were virgins.

The format was that each person would go on a ten minute “date”. Guys would rotate through table by table while the women stayed stationary. Each person was given a sheet where they wrote down notes and had a check box if they wanted to go out with that person. Each party involved protected these sheets like nuclear launch codes. I wish I could say that each date was memorable and interesting but it was far from the case. Here are some of the highlights.

-“The Party of No”- Occasionally you could sneak a look at the other person’s sheet. I caught one sheet by someone that fell into the cat group. She had met with seven guys so far and gave them all a no. This really made me think a couple of things. First thing is: how bad were those other seven guys? The second thing is what the hell were her criteria? Did she realize she is on the path to dying completely and utterly alone? Did she think her cats would not like the guy?

-“Miss Overly Enthusiastic” There is nothing worse than fake enthusiasm. When you play up the fake enthusiasm to a super level that is blended with desperation and the smell of someone’s ovaries drying up it is frightening. Personally I want women to be completely aloof and not interested in anything over someone that is interested anything I say or put in front of her.

(This is what the conversation sounded like in my head.)

Me: So I made toast this morning.

Her: TOAST is the single greatest thing ever!!!!! What did you put on it? Please say grape jelly, please say grape jelly… Do you think our kids will like grape jelly? Please fill me with your seed.

-“You don’t mind if I eat?” The weirdest moment came when one of my dates had a plate of food delivered to her, which she promptly destroyed right in front of me. Is there anything more attractive than watching someone knock back a baked potato like they have been stranded on an island for a decade? She couldn’t wait an extra half hour to eat? This has to be some sort of violation of speed dating protocol. Can someone dig up Miss Manners and ask her?

-“Shelly Duval” One of the last few “dates” that I had was with a woman that looked like Shelly Duval. All I could think about was “The Shining” which led me to think about those creepy little girls. It freaked me the fuck out.

In the end on my little sheet I checked that I would like to be set up with three of the people. They have to check on their sheet that they are interested in me in return in order to be set up on a “date”. I don’t know if I really would want to go out with any of them and the checkmarks are more to feed my ego and see if I was right by picking them. Of course if none of the three checked their boxes and I am told nobody is interested in me I won’t leave the house for the year and will probably urinate it various bottles that I will store in my pantry.

Have you, would you, or could you ever do speed dating?

why don't boys like me?

When I was a young buck coming up through the “system” I remember girls that tried to overdose on Advil, that wore frumpy sweatshirts because they were ashamed of their bodies, or fucked every guy that moved (except me) to gain some sort of acceptance that daddy wouldn’t give them. However I don’t remember any girl or anyone ever talking about cutting. Sure maybe someone occasionally put a cigarette out on their arms like any reasonable person but nobody was whipping out their Hello Kitty lunchbox full of razors and carving up their inner thigh. It seems like it has come about really in the last 10-15 years and I honestly don’t get it.

If you look into the history of self-mutilation this has been discussed since 1880 and even categorized into different variations in the late 1970s but I wasn’t aware of it happening so it must not have happened. (I call this my virgin theory. As far as every girl I date goes they are virgins because I have never watched them have sex, participate in gangbangs or service an entire Navy ship. For certain things if I wasn’t there to see it happen it didn’t… like the holocaust.)

I think the uptick of this type of behavior can be squarely blamed on TV and movies because most of these girls would have never thought about doing it. Why you ask? Because teenage girls are totally fucking stupid and have almost zero ability to think for themselves in most instances, this explains the Jonas Brothers, Twilight, and anything-involving Ricky Martin for the first half of his life.

I can’t imagine a 15 year old girl sitting at home bathing in self loathing and then think, “Hey why don’t I go downstairs, grab a razor, and cut my inner thigh.” They aren’t that creative unless they are cutting up a Seventeen magazine and making a collage. Instead they see a movie like Secretary or watch an idiot on the Real World that gets hammered and decides to cut herself for attention. (Of course the example girl’s completely psycho behavior, desperate need to have constant attention, and everyone’s complete hatred of her is often glossed over… or is it?)

So I say to various media outlets that you need to change how you portray female teenage angst. Here is what you should try to emphasis instead of cutting.

1) Promiscuous behavior is a completely acceptable way for self-validation.

2) If you have problems overcoming your self-hatred to act in a promiscuous manner you should totally look into drinking heavily so you can prepare yourself.

3) Eating disorders are okay just don’t get too thin. Exposed ribs aren’t sexy.

4) Self-mutilation isn’t okay because guys don’t like scars.

(Or maybe there should be less glorification and more honest discussions about it… eh… What fun would that be?)

I should have been a guidance counselor.

One of the parts of the practical joke involves an infamous Fleshlight. For those of you who don’t know what a Fleshlight (NSFW) is it is basically a Flashlight where the light parts are removed and replaced with a plastic vagina, mouth, butt, or for the private types the “stealth” model. I ordered the Fleshlight for this joke and it is now sitting on my kitchen table staring at me through its single eye. In my lifetime I have never created a contraption to screw or used any type of toys for my solo personal “play with myself” time but I am debating if I should take the plunge.

Basically I have had no desire to bang plastic, although I did briefly have a desire to screw Pam Anderson, which may count as the same thing in the minds of some people. However I haven’t had an opportunity to and I wonder if I should man up and just use it once to see what it is like. I sat down and wrote out a “for” and “against” list on why I should use the fleshlight.

For

-I may like it

-I try new things all the time to document it for this website, why stop now?

-I won’ t have to take it to dinner

-How funny will it be that when we use it in the practical joke I can throw this comment in, “Yeah I fucked it too”?

Against

-I may like it leading to an obsession with banging inanimate objects.

-I am going to have to clean it

-Will their psychological ramifications?

-How many times will I be able to take people bringing it up to end arguments or potential girlfriends reading it?

So I leave it up to you good readers, Fleshlight or No Fleshlight?

I think the key phrase that describes my results would be, “a total fucking disaster”. And no, I did not use the above site.

We all know that people who put themselves out there on dating sites lie like Kim Kardashian on silk Reggie Bush encrusted sheets. That is no secret. From body size, to weight, to occupation and income to penis size, nothing ever measures up to reality and I know that there are 10 disappointing “she told me she was an athlete…but a lineman for the Jets???” stories for every success.

It didn’t take long before I figured out that my odds, time and money we’re better spent at the local boob bar buying dancers heavy-handed Martinis with a roofie mixer than sit and wait for a message from seemingly non-existent ladies. (Note to everyone: Only three people actually exist on Yahoo Personals out of the 100,000 profiles. Me, one woman from Albuquerque and a guy named Jeffery I. Bowelsyndrome. It’s now fact. Because I say so.)

Needless to say, I quit that shit and for the past three years have relied solely on meeting women through ordering pizzas from Fat Tony’s Pizza and Gambling and hoping the delivery person was a) female, b). was mildly attractive and c). did not mind my opening the door with my pants around my ankles and $20 bill tucked into my cock ring.

“C” was not done every time, by the way.

Flash forward to now. I dick around on Facebook a lot in my own version of “Hey…I know you! Didn’t you hump a flag pole with a vat of Crisco in High School?” game. And I’ve noticed more of late that there are sure a lot of ads in the sidebar…dating ads. Like Facebook has joined cahoots with my laptop to remind me that my love life is as active as an old woman’s bowels before buying Activia Yogurt.

But, one thing that really jumps out at me is that it seems like these dating sites aren’t even trying anymore. Their job is to get lonely guys like me to click their link because the “single, hot, 27 year old slender woman that likes to drink Pinot Grigio under the stars” actually looks like she wants ME and me alone. But tell me…

Why did they use a picture of Nancy Kerrigan as that 27 year old the other day? I wish I could have saved that page because I swear it was her. I scrutinized and scrutinized that photo and I know it was…I’m not that stupid you know. I was just plain disgusted. I mean, it’s bad enough that the eHarmony commercials never feature an attractive couple hooking up, but now they put a picture of Nancy Kerrigan circa 1994 as the thumbnail and expect me, a former athlete in my mid-30’s, not to know it was that Mickey Mouse hating bitch?

Goddamn it. Now I know that one of two things are absolutes in this thing called online dating:

1). Every single dating site is nothing but a bunch of lying sacks of shit bullshit artists with zero product that works, kind of like cock pills and Sham Wow or…

2). Nancy Kerrigan is single again and is using the age old online dating tactic of using a 15 year old photo in an attempt to not look like an old hag, even if she still looks like the race horse she was back when Jeff Gillooly went all Mark McGwire on her knee cap.

Either way, put a little effort into it, dating sites. The teens and 20 somethings with hope in their eyes don’t need to know they are being bamboozled…yet.

Anybody want to hook up with me on FB?

Since I wrote that paper I was approached by a friend to potentially expand on the paper and turn it into a documentary, which has fell through. I even toyed with expanding it into a book or something of that nature, even doing some research on these social networks, the legality, and how people are leveraging it. (Who am I kidding I don’t have the chops to write an actual book.) In that period of time I have exchanged messages with some people in “the hobby”. Two weeks ago a friend in the “hobby” invited me to a meet and greet. This is where people get together as friends (no business transactions or other illegal activities) and they have a few beers in the backroom of a well-respected establishment.

At first I declined, then I accepted, then I hesitated… I kind of felt dirty going to something like this, like I am doing something seedy or maybe I thought I was above it? Then I thought, “When the hell am I ever going to have an opportunity to go something like this again? There is going to be some good material.” I manned up, took a shower, drank enough beer to kill a small horse, and headed over to the event.

Here are my observations:

1) Women in the business like to grab your junk- The person that invited me told me that I would be the youngest and best looking guy there. Which I was, but it was like the equivalent of me going to a Mormon summer camp and being the biggest drinker. This made me semi popular with the ladies there. Apparently women in the hobby don’t run into a lot of guys like the old Bobby Finstock. So they greeted me in a different way, I guess they don’t shake hands they just grab your junk… Mine was grabbed a little too much for my taste.

2) The men weren’t complete freak shows- Except for the strange Indian guy that was super short and apparently had a thing for feet. Who would have thought the creepy looking short guy would have an odd fetish? Shocker.

3) Their stories are like car wrecks, I don’t want to look or listen but I just can’t turn away- There were so many great stories that they shared with me. One included a guy that asked to borrow a skirt from the “provider” and proceeded to release his love junk in said skirt, while attempting to wear it, after some heavy petting. Apparently the girl didn’t want it back, I wonder why?

The next night I returned to the world of dating and Match.com dates, it felt like I had just returned from a foreign country. Well a foreign country where men wearing skirts and jizzing in them  is the norm… (I am looking at you Scotland.)

Would you have gone to this event?

I have played multiple sports in my lifetime, I have walked through major cities in Europe, I have hiked, and I have drank an metric shit ton of beers while golfing to the point where I had to go to ER for potential alcohol poisoning. All of those events were much easier to deal with. Going on that many dates in that period of time was the most exhausting thing I have ever been through. It seriously felt like I had another full time job, the e-mail correspondence alone took hours a day to deal with.

Why go on that many dates with different women in that period of time? Why do you touch the iron as a child even though your parents tell you that it is hot? Why do you drink milk that is expired for the first time? Why do you sign up for an environmental mailing list that gives your name out to every tree hugging organization ever? You do these things because you or in this case I… I am a complete dumbass.

What did I learn about dating, life, and myself by doing this?

Talking about yourself gets really boring, in fact it gets to the point where you just tell random stories that pertain to nothing because it is better than talking about the same shit over and over again. I tried to turn the conversation as much as possible to my dates but eventually you have to talk about yourself. It feels like I have an entire routine down now when I talk about the standard things like work, how many homeless people I have killed, my thoughts on Poland’s growth, would I slap my Grandmother if she dated Kit Bond, and the amount of sexual partners I have had. (Note: Only one of these things was discussed on a date.)

For entertainment purposes I tried to go to the same restaurant a few times so I could feel like the lead character in John Tucker Must Die. Sadly I didn’t have the same waitress at either place, but it would have been awesome if I did.

Eating dinner out and drinking at least three drinks on each date makes you gain weight. I put on four pounds during this whole experience. WTF is that? So I decided to become bulimic to even things out.

Boston is filled with bandwagon sports fans. Never in my life have I met so many people in a week that are all excited about the Celtics playoff games but never watched a regular season game. I wonder if this is just a women thing or a Boston thing or some odd combination of the two.

At the end of all of this I am still dating, only one of the women that I went on the 8-date odyssey with ended up with a second date. I will give a breakdown of the 8 later this week.

Oh and in case you were wondering: $550. Yes I pay for all my first dates.

I don’t have a question that pertains to this so: Do you think crack is really whack?

Men can’t hide their major loser issues. (Well…unless the guy is a complete and utter sociopath.) If the guy is psycho, a dick, classless, or just kind of a loser you can almost tell right off the bat. (Usually they will be sending you a picture of their junk within two conversations. That is a good tell tale sign.) The reason being is that men aren’t smart enough to conceal it. They just don’t have enough foresight and strategy when it comes to this. And I think for the large part a lot of guys are just socially unaware of a lot of things when it comes to dating.  If you want a guy to plot the takeover of a small country through political, social, and military means they can handle it but having them plot out a three-date strategy of not being a douche bag if they are one is impossible.

Sure maybe they clean the bathroom a bit more because they know you are coming over initially or aren’t as big of a pig but in general I think you can size men up rather quickly. Especially if you talk to them a bit or exchange e-mails a little before you initially meet.

Women on the other hand don’t let the crazy out right away. Through conversation there might be slight hints or red flags but women do a very good job of avoiding certain topics or framing something that could be damaging. It isn’t that women are intentionally trying to mislead but it is just that throughout most of their lives they have learned the importance of presentation and tact.

Here is where the problem lies with all of this. Women will date a jerk/psycho/loser because they might be attracted to a certain part of the person or frankly they just want some level of attention. They already know the guy is what he is but they just ignore it for some reason but eventually when they want out they fear leaving this dude because he will either stalk then or self-destruct. On the other hand guys just get lulled into a relationship with crazy girl because the nut job side doesn’t and when the sex starts (crazy girls are better in bed) it blinds them across the board thus keeping them in the relationship way too long.

In the end nothing good happens you either end up with a rabbit boiling on your stove or having to fake your own death and swim to safety to start your new life.

What do you think? Does this theory hold water?

So instead I am going to offer something special to all the people that have read my blog for years. I am willing to clone my penis for you using this kit (site NSFW) I found online. Straight males don’t get disgusted and bail out yet. There are benefits for everyone involved.

Here is my sales pitch. Please choose the category you fall under and read the applicable sales pitch.

Women- We all get lonely. You know it and I know it. We also all have needs. What better way to cure your loneliness and desires than hopping on the Internet to read a poorly written blog by me all while using your official pointlessbanter.net dildo? Nothing I say… nothing.

Gay Men- This is the closest my penis will ever get to a male asshole. Might as well get what you can.

Lesbians- I know you tend to like oversized black dildos to use on your partners. (If I am to believe what pornography has taught me.) So this is kind of a hard sell because I am not oversized nor will my flesh like reproduced penis be black. So I guess the only upside is to use this as a gag gift before you muff dive on each other.

Straight Men in a relationship- A lot of men are threatened by the idea that their wife or girlfriend owns a sex toy. I say that you purchase one of these to give to them so you can say things like, “At least mine isn’t that small.” Or my favorite, “You leave me and you will be forced to use THAT all the time.”

Straight men not in a relationship- You can throw this at children that mess up your lawn, a cat going through your garbage, or hide it in your roommates bed as a practical joke.

So there you have it people. How can you turn down an offer that good? For $75.00 you can own your own Pointlessbanter.net penis.

Please note: Slackmistress styled fleshlights. Matt Warren asshole molds, Donkeysosa anal beads, and Armand Assante’s Left Ventricle cock rings are all in development.

Who is ready to order?

Of course some people see these tools, toys, and gadgets and don’t want to spend the money. Instead of buying that tube of Astroglide they decide that they can roll the dice by buying some PAM off the shelf. Instead of buying that dildo they look for phallic looking shampoo bottles.

And instead of using a high powered dildo attached to a power saw (without a saw blade) they decide to just put the saw blade into a dildo and cut their partners nether regions like these idiots:

LEXINGTON PARK, Md. – Some sexual experimentation landed a southern Maryland woman in a hospital with injuries tough to imagine and even more difficult to forget.
Maryland State Police airlifted the 27-year-old woman to Prince George’s County Hospital Center early Sunday morning after she was injured in an incident involving a sex toy attached to a saber saw blade, TheBayNet.com first reported.

The man who called 911 about the incident admitted attaching the sex toy to the saw and then using the high-powered, homemade device on his partner, according to the St. Mary’s County Sheriff’s Office.

The saw cut through the plastic toy and wounded the woman, according to TheBayNet.com. The injuries were severe enough for medevac, but the woman was released from the hospital Monday and is recovering from her unusual injuries.

Investigators talked to the woman, who told them she suffered the injuries during a consensual act and that she and her partner were trying something new and no crime was committed, the sheriff’s office said.

Now I am not a construction guy, I don’t own a lot of power tools, but I can grasp the basic concept of how a saw works and could right off the bat tell you that this probably wasn’t a good idea. Haven’t these idiots ever cut a roll before? If you hold the roll and insert a knife into said roll then move the knife back forth you will probably cut through the roll.

Instead of a hand holding the roll in this case you have a vagina, instead of a roll you have a rubber cock, and instead of a knife you have a saber saw blade. The general principles still apply. The blade will cut through.

I guess there is a silver lining to this. The genital mutilation that occurred will probably stop them from breeding, which is really a good thing.

Now excuse me while I go fuck my fleshlight hooked up to a jackhammer.

Are you just convinced at this point that 95% of the population is functionally retarded?