A couple of weeks back I ran a contest asking people to answer one of the questions from Seventeen Magazine. I totally forgot to name the winner.
The winner is…. LOTNorm. Why his post? A) It is funny B) It is so long I can give it it’s own blog post and allow me not to have to write anything original today!!!
Here is his entry on how a teenage girl should explain to her mother that she is pregnant:
First on question 4, come on Kevin you know 16 year old aren’t snowballing yet… unless they’re related to Britney Spears. Then it’s a ritual. It’s amazing how many 16 year olds write into Seventeen magazine for answers. It’s like they think they’re just one year away from knowing it all.
Now to answer the question.
Q: “What is the best way to let my mom know I’m pregnant?”
–AnonymousBy not sending this question in anonymously. You could start there, but since you obviously didn’t do that and are probably just some fat guy who likes roleplaying I’ll amuse you. If you want to tell your mom you’re pregnant there’s just three easy steps to follow:
1)Tell her you got Billy Ray Cyrus tickets for the two of you. She’s gonna be so excited she’ll probably piss her pants due to the incontinence she suffers from all those years of alcoholism. By the time the two of you go to the concert and she realizes it’s Hannah Montana she’ll have already got duded up in her blue jean vest, camel toe inducing cut-off shorts and Supercuts mullet hairdo. So she’ll try to sit through it but the vibration from shrills of preteen girls will just agitate her bladder causing multiple trips to the restroom, but the long lines will force her to the men’s room where she’ll run into none other than Billy Ray himself. She’ll start hitting on him, completely forgetting she has to piss. He’ll try to run but the last year of riding his daughter’s coat tails have weakened him. She’ll straddle him, which reminds him of when he played the bull at roleplaying parties (you know what I’m talking about). She’ll start pissing all over him and this’ll get him excited leading to one hell of a mullet flopping achey breaky lineorgasming. They won’t know whether they’re cumming or going.
When she returns to your side this is when you suggest leaving for a tittybar down the street, which she’ll be fine with because she’s still horny and always been a bit of a closest lesbo. Besides, it’ll give you a chance to use that fake ID she got you. Once at the bar you tempt her with fuzzy navels and margaritas but she’s too distracted by the thought of “does it really feel like carpet?”. So you slip a stripper twenty bucks to go all Salma Hayek in From Dusk Til Dawn on her and pour that shit down her leg and into your mom’s mouth. Now that she’s officially off the wagon, the two of you will go on a binge of alcohol and taint sweat culminating in an incestual mother/daughter striptease (which is what will later be on YouTube). Now go home and flop her down in her bed and pretend it never happened.
2)Wait two weeks until you overhear her on the phone telling her cackling buddies that she’s totally pregnant with Billy Ray Cyrus’ baby. Don’t say anything. Wait the additional two weeks that it’ll undoubtedly take her to finally tell you. Lay on a guilt trip about how she’s a whore and the only reason she’s keeping it is to exploit a has been singer. After she cries that you’re wrong and mistakes happen to all of us but every baby deserves the right to live, you hug her and cry into her mullet laden shoulder.
3)Now is when you tell her.
Congratulations LOTNorm, you win a $25 gift cert to Amazon or Itunes and a copy of the ebook Power of a Social Network: BlogCatalog which is being donated from MattNuts.com.
This is going up at Humor-blogs.com
I write about the stuff we all think but don't like to talk about.
