Dear Miss Manners,Dear Mr. Finstock,

I have one relative and one dear friend who each insist on knowing where I was or what I was doing when I fail to answer their telephone calls, whether it be at home or on my cellular device. Often times I am simply trying to complete a task, such as balancing my checkbook or checking out at the grocery store, before engaging in a telephone conversation.

Sometimes I simply do not wish to share my personal information and am looking for a polite response that does not accommodate their need to know every detail about my life.

The dear friend is a bit pushier than my relative and will try to goad me into giving her the information as to my whereabouts when I missed her call. I am well into my 40s, with my own career and home, and I don’t think I owe folks a minute-by-minute detail of my day, if I am simply unavailable once in awhile.

Please help me with a polite way to let them know that not all of my business is their business.

Miss Manners always starts her reply with something like Dear Gentle Reader. Personally I like Dear Abby columns because people create dumb names… Whatever. I am just going to start my reply with something simple.

Sup Yo,

All joking aside I hate this situation. Because of technology today people feel that they should be able to get a hold of you when and how they want. When they can’t they want to know you weren’t able to talk to them. A cell phone has turned into a digital leash and it I hate it.

However you need to use this as an opportunity and not see this as an annoyance.  Give answers that they absolutely would not want to hear. This will eventually turn them off and away from asking such questions. Here are a few sample answers you can give, feel free to borrow them.

-I was taking a massive dump. We call it dropping the Huxtables off at the pool here at my house.

-Honestly, I was feeling a bit randy while making a salad and took the cucumber into the bedroom for a little stolen moment. Do you do anything like that?
-Dear I was trying to figure out how to get these bloodstains out of my gloves. This has turned into a weekly occurrence and I don’t want to toss another pair out.

Use any of these. I am sure they won’t ask after you give them one of these reasons.

Dear Miss Manners, Dear Mr. Finstock,

What are the guidelines for inviting guests to a second wedding? Ten years ago I was married and I was divorced three years ago. My fiancé has never been married. He wants a large wedding with 250 guests at a lakeside resort. All of my family lives on the other side of the country and I am hesitant to send invitations to anyone other than my parents, siblings and close friends. However I’m so happy to have met this wonderful man and want to include everyone in our celebration. Is it inappropriate to invite people to more than one wedding?

Sup Yo,
Nothing like trying to exploit your friends and relatives again with asking them to give you a second set of gifts. Just think ten years have past most of them probably have better jobs now than they used to and can afford better shit. Also I have to call bullshit to this question, no guy wants a wedding with 250 friends that he invited. I can’t think of one single friend of mine that wanted that many people total at a wedding let alone for one side. Heck, I can’t think of a friend that wanted an actual wedding at all.

I really think this is about you wanting to have the wedding you never got and wanted to pin the excuse on your husband to be. Either way it is a bad idea. I think you should have a small ceremony and a wild party that you can invite as many people as you want to it. You don’t need to milk friends and relatives.

It is either that or you are a black widow hell bent on mating and then killing your new husband for insurance money. By having a large wedding it only makes it so more people are attached to you. If you keep it small there will be less questions raised when he dies on the honeymoon… I am onto you. Actually you can’t be that clever you wrote into Miss Manners. Or are you crazy like a fox? This is all too complex, I need a chart.

How do you deal with people that ask you questions about where you were?

Q: I really like my friend’s boyfriend and I think he likes me because online he started telling me how good looking I was and that if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he would go out with me but he doesn’t want to cheat on his girlfriend. What should I do?
Feeling Guilty, AL

A: Wait, when you say he doesn’t want to cheat on his girlfriend you mean your friend. Don’t say girlfriend because that somehow lessens the fact that she is your friend. Anyway, this helps establish the fact that women all secretly hate each other and it starts at an early age. Guys will not go after other guy’s girlfriends; it is just a written code that will get you disowned by society if violated.

Women though treat 90% of their friends as totally disposable and worthy of getting rid of if a desirable man comes along.

Obviously you must keep this trend going and get him to dump her. Perhaps sending him slutty pictures via IM and telling them to let his girlfriend discover them. Also you have the whole cell phone option, next time they are out on a date together send him some dirty pictures of you. It will be sure to cause a breakup.

Q: There’s this guy who likes me a lot. At first, I was totally flattered, but the more I got to know him, the more I realized he wasn’t my type. Now he’s in my face wherever I go — even though I’ve let him know I’m not interested. My friends don’t understand. They think I’m lucky and should be jazzed that he’s paying me so much attention to me. How can I let him know that I really want him to back off and leave me alone?
Bugged, AK

A: Wait he just shows up where ever you go? You have what most people call a gentleman caller that is bat shit insane. However you need to use this to your advantage and get him to do things for you in order to win you over. Is there a girl you go to school with that you especially despise? Have him rub her out for you. Doing poorly in a class? Get your stalker to threaten the teacher.
Turn this creepy situation into something really positive. Of course you can’t write him or acknowledge him in public so when he gets caught for all of this you can just say that he is insane and has never talked to you. Remember when you take advantage of people you don’t want to be tied to them.

Q: “My boyfriend wants to make out and do other sexual things all the time. He said he will wait until I want to do them, but then he will go and bug me about doing stuff with him. I don’t like to do that kind of stuff, and I don’t want to. I tried telling him, but he just doesn’t get it. What do I do?”
Nikki L., Muskegon, MI

A: Nobody like a tease Nikki, nobody likes a tease. You see if you don’t give in and do something you are not the appropriate age for or don’t feel ready for he is going to dump you and find a girl that will. Then he will brand you as a tease, tell everyone at school, and you will have to start sitting at a table with all the freaks and outcasts. At that point you will be forced to choose one of two paths. The first is that you reverse fields and start just giving it up to everyone and anyone. Of course you will be branded as a slut and will probably get knocked up but whatever. Or you could withdrawal into a pit of loneliness, eat your feelings, don’t talk to anyone, and become a lesbian by the time you reach college because boys have emotionally destroyed you.

Now neither really sounds appealing does it? So just give it up to avoid either of those horrible outcomes. (Note: The mental anguish you may suffer for doing something you aren’t ready for isn’t as bad as the other two options and it is usually something years of therapy can take care of.)

Q: My dad caught me making out with my boyfriend and he freaked out. I’ve had to sneak around to see my boyfriend ever since. It’s not fair. I love him so very much and I really want to marry him, but I’m young and so is he. I’m willing to wait, but I don’t think it’s right that my dad is keeping two people who are in love away from one another. It’s so difficult, I don’t want to hurt my family, but I’m in love. Please help.
Upset, Virginia

A: Now if you were from West Virginia I would assume it was your cousin and that is why your father was so upset. But since you aren’t I am at a loss. The first person you fall in love with and want to marry while in school is usually the best person to spend the rest of your life with. I mean I doubt you will have doubts at age 20, 25, 30, 40, 50, and every day after that until one of you is lowered into the ground.

We all know the person that we are at 15 is the person we are destined to be for the rest of our lives. So I say run away, go to a state where you can legally marry, file for emancipation from your parents, and start a family. College, a vocation, or a high school diploma… who needs it when you have true love! Just remember any adult that tells you differently doesn’t have your best interest in hand or knows how it feels to be young and in love.

And now for the question I want you to answer:

Q: My boyfriend smokes pot and drinks a lot. I’m afraid that he’s going to get hurt. He tells me that nothing is going to happen to him. What can I do?
Terrified, Neb.

Do your worst…

1) Jackie you are a syndicated humor columnist with a long history of copy writing. How did you get into writing humor? Who are some of your influences?

To tell you the truth, I started writing humorous pieces more as a form of self-therapy than anything else. I was going through a difficult time, and I decided to write down some of the funny things that had happened in our family as something to pass on to my children. I was already working as a technical writer and doing some freelance writing as well. When the stories made my family and friends laugh, I got up the nerve to send them out to some regional publications, and they were published. I started writing more humor essays and after about a year, I sent several samples out to newspapers, suggesting they take me on as a columnist. Most of the papers rejected me, but several did take me on, and by some miracle, after three years, I still have all the original ones plus a few more. My column is also published on about a half dozen websites, which is probably the only way it’s going to survive, given the state of newspapers today.

My influencers are all very recognizable names: Erma Bombeck, Dave Barry, Garrison Keillor. I think I’ve read every word written by those masters of the craft.

2) Obviously what you can write in a newspaper column versus what we write on here on this blog is night and day as far language, content, and length. I kind of look at it like comedians working on HBO versus the Tonight Show. At times do you ever feel restricted working in the newspaper medium as far as what you can and can’t write?

Yes, all the time, especially because most of the newspapers that publish my column are community papers with pretty conservative standards. It’s not like I write anything very risqué, but I have written things that my newspapers would not print. I wrote a piece about my husband’s, er, complaints about the frequency of certain marital activities. It came out of a fight we had where I got really mad at him because he wasn’t helping out as much around the house as much as I thought he should. He made some comment, and I grabbed a nearby bottle of Formula 409 spray and slammed it down on the counter in front of him and said “Formula 409 is foreplay, baby!” I wasn’t saying it as a joke, I was being sarcastic and I was definitely angry. But later, I ended up turning that comment and the episode into a Do and Don’t List for men. It has become one of my most popular online columns, and it ran in several magazines, but most of my newspapers wouldn’t print it.

(My husband kept a bottle of 409 on the nightstand in our bedroom for a while as a joke. I think that’s as close as he ever came to actually using it.)

3) Are there any topics that you find overused and inherently unfunny because of how often people use them as a crutch? (Personally I never need to hear another airline travel joke again.) Also what words, sounds, phrases, and topics do you just find naturally funny and drawn to?

I think mommy humor is becoming so ubiquitous that it’s losing the power it had when Erma Bombeck was doing it virtually alone. I still write quite a bit of mom humor myself, but I try to find some quirky angle to set it off from the rest in some way. I’m not sure how well I succeed at that, but I do think we’re in danger of having so much humor about raising kids that everybody just stops reading it.  The man versus woman thing is also pretty well saturated, although people still find it funny. But I’ve heard and read enough humor about the differences between the genders to last a lifetime. It has to be something really unique to make me laugh now.

As you can probably tell from my writing, I love alliteration. When used properly (not that I always manage that myself), it’s naturally funny.  The ‘K’ sound is supposed to be naturally funny and I think that holds true. I once interviewed the founder of the Spanx hosiery company (the men reading this may not know the name, but I’ll bet the women do), and she told me her college marketing classes taught her the value of the K sound in a company name, as well as the value of just a hint of something ‘naughty,‘ which is also one of the things that makes people laugh. So she named her new company Spanx, a brilliant move. Topics that are naturally funny are sex – of course – and the most basic living situations like family, marriage, even bodily processes, all the universal experiences that everyone on the planet can relate to.

4) One of my favorite targets is the Parade Magazine insert from the Sunday paper. The questions in the opening cover about celebrities (which I contend are made up but lets say people actually send them in) make me question the collective intelligence of the country. As a newspaper columnist that hears from a wide range of readers, what is the overall quality of the mail you receive and how often do you lose faith in humanity after reading it? Who should we fear more the anonymous blog commenter of new media or the crackpot that actually takes the time to write a letter to newspapers?

Most of the mail I get is from smart, perceptive people. I know this because they find me funny. I don’t usually lose faith in humanity after reading my mail. (Reading the daily headlines is a different story.) I get more fan mail than hate mail, but when I do get hate mail, it’s usually because someone takes everything I say way too seriously and doesn’t catch the tongue-in-cheek part. So I sometimes lose faith in people’s humor perception. More often, though, I act like a typical female and blame myself for not making it clear enough for everyone to get. I definitely fear the anonymous blogger more than the crackpot who still takes time to write letters to newspapers. That’s because when even the crackpots give up on newspapers, all the newspapers will disappear.

5) Do you find that you observe things differently being a writer specifically a humorist?

Definitely. I seem to notice things that “normal” people don’t and I seem to have a strange way of looking at things – an overly dramatic way, as my dad would tell you. It’s made me an oddball to my family and those generous people who consent to be my friends. But it comes in handy when writing humor.

You can check out Jackie at her website www.jackiepapandrew.com, she also has a book of her columns out in the next few months.

Q) Seeing Meryl Streep sing, dance, and act in Mamma Mia! made me wonder: Is she the last of the triple threats?–Eric Lachance, Jupiter, Fla.

A) This might be the single worst question they have ever used. This would infer that Meryl Streep is the last performer that sings, dances, and acts. Of course this is minus half the cast of Chicago or Moulin Rouge or whatever crappy musical you want to throw out there. Also we need to forget anyone that might make it big off of Broadway. Look I know Mama Mia! just came out on DVD and Parade is probably getting paid a boatload to promote it but they could have went with a better question like, “Do you think Meryl Streep cries herself to sleep knowing she was in Mama Mia!?”

Q) Does O.J. Simpson still receive his NFL pension now that he’s in prison?–Barbara Young, Miamisburg, Ohio

A) I am going to play this one straight because I was shocked by the answer. OJ makes up to 15-60,000 a MONTH in prison because of his various pension plans from acting and playing sports. Yup that is right he makes more than probably 95% of the people that read this blog make in a year in one month.

You make commence vomiting on yourself now.

Q) What’s the significance of the red rubber bracelet Eva Longoria Parker wears?–Colleen Senf, Jamison, Pa.

A) Hello the Steven Colbert wrist strong campaign…. Oh wait… it has something to do with Latin Women’s Breast Cancer. Well that isn’t as fun. I am sticking to the Colbert story.

Q) The seven Osmonds just gave a farewell concert, but with all of their descendants, won’t a new generation carry on?–Cindy Hargis, Brownstown, Mich.

A) You know I have been watching the show Big Love for a lot of years now and actually lived in a community in Southern California that had a lot of Mormons so I kind of consider myself an expert on them and their religion. The Osmonds will be around for a while because people keep forgetting about the three rules you need to follow when dealing with Mormons.

1. Keep them away from water. If you get them wet they have a shit ton of kids.

2. They hate bright light. They super large teeth and magic underwear reflects the light so they try and avoid it.

3. The most important rule. No matter how much they cry, no matter how much they beg, never, never feed them after midnight. If you do they will take on another wife and the odds are she will be underage.

You see if we followed these rules when dealing with the Osmonds they would be long gone by now.

Q) Of the contestants on America’s Got Talent, who’s been the biggest success?–Giselle Brabb, Rocklin, Calif.

A) Really the big winners are anyone who has never watched the show. Based off that criteria I consider myself a huge success.

Does anyone care about a single person they asked a question about this week?

A) India is one of those countries that I know exists but I pay no attention to unless I am bitching about a call center representative or making the famous “feather not dot” joke. I am sure there is some solution that involves Angelina Joile and a shit load of donations but honestly I have no interest in mapping a solution out unless it is a final solution. (Whoops, poor terminology, moving on.)

Q ) Do you think The Sopranos will ever be turned into a feature film?–Dale Gregory, Union, N.J.

A) Besides Little Steven who is touring with Bruce Springsteen who from the cast has a real and steady job? A few people are doing stage work or are appearing on shows that will be canceled shortly. (I am looking at you Michael Imperioli.)

One of my favorite things is when actors that are on a long running show or movie franchise say they want to distance themselves from the character they play. You pretty much don’t hear that from anyone on the Sopranos cast except James Gandolfini.  It’s not like these guys have the greatest acting range ever. The guy that played Paulie Walnuts can only star as “the Italian guy” in so many commercials. He isn’t going to be up for roles as the tender grandfather any time soon.

“I know I had my differences with that kid…but maybe I didn’t do right by him neither. If you were his dad, I was his Dutch uncle. And what the f**k did I do but get pissed off? Fight with him over c**ksuckin’ f**kin’ money. And break his balls when he tried not to have a drink…or a little taste o’ snow.”

Q) I assume more than one pooch played Marley in the hit film Marley and Me. Am I correct?–Sally Weinstein, Aventura, Fla.

A) Please don’t breed Sally. Ever. Actually it took them years to film because they had to wait for the dog to age making it one of the most expensive productions ever.

Q) Many of today’s screen beauties have that pillow-lip look. What percentage of Hollywood lips are enhanced?–Bill Spitalnick, Newport Beach, Calif.

A) 67.3% according to the book “The Bill James Plastic Surgery Abstract”. James, who revolutionized baseball statistics, has brought his mathematical skills to Hollywood and plastic surgery. Did you know women with enhanced lips hits 4 times better with runners in scoring position than actresses without enhanced lips?

Hey Spitalnick where did you think we were going to get actual stats from on this?

Q) Why did Khandi Alexander leave as the autopsy expert on CSI: Miami?–Emma Freeman, Fort Worth, Tex.

A) Very good question. The easy answer is because she has a new show coming out on HBO but that isn’t the truth. It is really a little known fact that David Caruso has some very racist sexual fetishes. All I know is that I heard rumors about an Aunt Jemima outfit, syrup, a toaster, and his testicles. Far be it for me to judge but I wouldn’t blame her for leaving the show either, Caruso can’t be that attractive dressed as Aunt Jemima.

Does anyone actually like David Caruso?

1) When you’re having a bad day, your boyfriend:
Listens to you gripe but interrupts with stories about his day.
Tells you to get over it because lately every day is bad for you.
Tells you how wonderful you are and buys you ice cream.

My answer: Where is the fourth option where I just tune out the entire conversation while eating a mandarin orange fruit cup and mentally debating if I would sleep Jamie Lee Curtis? Also I would like to add that answer three leads to years of them “eating their feelings” don’t be an enabler!

2) Your friends like your boyfriend because:
He’s a big flirt and calls them “pretty.”
He knows their names and talks to them when he runs into them.
He’s nice to them (and you!) when you’re all hanging out in a group.

My answer: Really do I even need to answer this? It is option three because of the “group option”. I think you know where I am going with this. Cue the funky baseline, the cheesy dialogue, and fill the kiddie pool with KY. Being the lone guy in a group of female friends is the worst position to be in. You know they don’t want you there because you are making them hold back from their typical conversation of nicknaming every guy they dated and tackling explicitly about your junk. That’s right ladies, I am onto you!

3) You and your guy are studying for chemistry and he says:

(I reject the question on principle girls can’t participate in science. Any that do should be stoned as a witch. Note: Apparently that answer is still only correct in Afghanistan.)

4) Your celeb crush on Robert Pattinson is a little much, but your boy:
Took you to see “Twilight,” and lets you guys about Rob’s good looks and hot accent every now and then.
Gets upset when you mention Rob or any other guy.
Went with you to see “Twilight,” but doesn’t like it when you talk about him otherwise.

My answer: Bwahahahaha… Twilight. Me seeing Twilight, funniest thing I have ever thought about. Actually the correct answer is that we have the “if I ever have a chance to sleep with this celebrity I can and you can’t get mad talk.” My choice? Bea Arthur of course.

5) The meanest thing your guy has ever done to you was:

Have the waiters at your fave restaurant sing Happy Birthday – it was embarrassing.
Yelled at you during an argument, calling you stupid.
Not call you for three days during one of your fights.

My answer: I have never done number one, I have never called a girl stupid but I did attempt to sleep with her best friend while she was in the same apartment, and I have gone weeks without calling on principle alone. Yes, I realize I am a massive asshole and should die alone.

6) It’s your big gymnastics meet and you’re really nervous. Your boyfriend:

(Wait… my girlfriend in this hypothetical situation does gymnastics? Please strike everything from the record. Unless she is super underdeveloped and hasn’t gotten her period yet because he parents treat her like veal.)

7) What is the best quality about your boyfriend?
His good looks and sense of humor.
His caring attitude and how he always knows what to say.
His social connections

Answer: I think you can all tell by the humility, grace, and tenderness that I have shown throughout this combined with what God has given me… I have none of the three. Damn.
Results: I don’t want to look, I am afraid this is going to put me into a shame spiral where I will have to eat all my feeling or visit strip clubs for a week straight. No guts, no glory…

Apparently I am a bad boyfriend. There is a long synopsis written in italics that I am too lazy to transcribe.

How accurate are the quizzes in any female magazine? 5%, 25%, 100%?

Q) Why is Gwyneth Paltrow rarely seen with husband Chris Martin? —Lori Cullen, Lexington, Mass.

A) You know that is a very good question. I hate to say it but you are right they very rarely appear in public together. Is it because of paparazzi? Is it because they are on the outs? Or is it because Chris Martin is kind of a douche?

The whole uniform thing is a bit much. When the military like garb is worn it is usually the time when I start disliking the individual. (Unless they are actually in the military.) Also if they talk about themselves in the third person or if they give themselves nicknames it is time for me to stop caring.

Q) Glenn Close is great on the FX series Damages, but when will we see her on the big screen? —James M., Buffalo, N.Y.

A) Yeah I can’t believe all the roles she is missing out on for 61 one-year-old women on the big screen. Oh wait that’s right. There aren’t any.

Um James… I never knew you were such a big Gleen Close fan.

Q) I’d never heard of the new American Idol judge, Kara DioGuardi. What can you tell me about her? —L. Powers, Oregon City, Ore.

A) These are the types of questions that just crack me up when it comes to Parade Magazine. We are supposed to believe that a person took the time to e-mail this question or hand write it. Like they are sitting in there in their home and wondering who is Kara DioGuardi and how can they can find out about her? They then think that their only possible source of information on her is an insert in the Sunday paper. That is less believable than any plotline on “Nip Tuck”.

It is questions like these that show how the questions are completely planted by PR or networks. Because… guess what show just came back on their air? This is what kills the entire premise of the questions being sent in by readers. Wow I am way to upset about this.

Q) Will Smith became a Hollywood star after the ’90s sitcom Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. But what happened to the three actors who played his wealthy cousins? —K. Kat, New York, N.Y.

A) Who cares about either of the female cousins? Carlton is still working by starring in .gif files found on message boards everywhere.

He is at the apex of his career. Actually that was “Silver Spoons”, the train in the house rocked.

Q) My pals and I had bets on whether Britney Spears would make a full comeback by the end of 2008. Do you think she’s back? —Christi Conroy, Virginia Beach, Va.

A) I have a really hard time envisioning a bunch of women sitting down and creating a bet around Britney making a full comeback. Not because I think women don’t gamble or that they don’t gossip but because the structure of this bet is impossible if more than one person is involved.

I think these would be much more enjoyable bets to make:

-When does she fire her father as manager?
-Who has the next baby first her or her sister?
-When is her next stint in rehab?
-How many more albums does she release before posing in Playboy?

Now does anyone want to bet? What Britney related bets would you like to propose?

To kick off the year I am going to dip into the well and interview my friend Ashley Steel again, an adult movie star, about some random things.  My questions and comments are in bold.

1) This is your second set of five questions… the first person ever to repeat. (I will even spell your name correctly this time.) What are the chances of you saying in your next movie, “Pointlessbanter.net makes me want a strawberry shortcake”?

Honestly? I’m scared to ask what a Strawberry Shortcake actually is. Knowing you, If this has anything to do with Poo, I’m gonna say no! I do have to say though you have peaked my curiosity… Am I gonna regret this?

(That is officially the greatest video ever made.)

2) The synopsis for your film “No Dicks in this Flick” says, “The title says it all…” Really does the title say it all? Or is it like “Weekend at Bernie’s” where so much more happens than just spending a weekend at Bernie’s?

With no dicks, a lot can happen. Although with dicks a lot can happen too. I’m gonna say the title definitely doesn’t say it all, unless the title says “Lots of hot chicks eating pussy while pounding each other with dildos and strap-ons while men watch and drool”, in which case the title DOES say it all.

(Note: that is the exact plot line of Weekend at Bernie’s 2.)

3) Sasha Grey is the talk of the entertainment industry after being cast in the new Steven Soderberg movie. She is being marketed as being uber intelligent and I personally think she comes off as a condescending bitch after seeing her interview on Tyra Banks and G4 TV. Knowing your educational background what do you think of her? Is it a faux intelligence where she is acting too cool for school?

To be honest, I really don’t follow industry news or media at all… but thanks to the wonderful availability of virtually anything you want via the net, I found some clips of her on the Tyra Banks Show… to be honest I am the last person to judge anyone. I didn’t think I was gonna like her before I started the video, but actually, I think she came off really well. Unfortunately with the editing and such, they really made porn look bad in general but these girls do love the abuse and violence and things. It’s exactly what gets them off. They want it on and off camera. I am not personally into it but I sure as hell will defend her right to want it however she wants it. With biased shows and a public waiting for someone to tell them how they should think, it makes it pretty easy to turn someone’s personal freedoms into a circus act. That being said, she IS 18… but carries herself well, ESPECIALLY for a Porn Star. Having been in the industry for 4 years and having worked with countless young women, the fact that Sasha can form a comprehendible sentence is impressive, let alone make a point. I do hold a BA from UCLA and have countless educational references myself, but as far as Sasha goes, at 18 and as a Porn Star, she is virtually a genius!

(Judging people is fun… I was hoping to illicit a catfight here. That didn’t work.)

4) Did you make it through the entire “Two girls one cup” video? If so did you grade the girl’s performances? Do you do that when you see porn? Like I judge other blogger compared to myself do you sit there and call other people “hacks” or watch people and get impressed by their performances?

Let me tell you, I did go to college… which is why I did NOT watch the video.. Nope.. Still haven’t seen it and don’t plan on it. I know I know… but think of it like this… It’s kind of like when someone says to you “Hey this smells horrible… here smell it.” Ummm, NO. Why on earth would I smell it when you just told me it was so unpleasant? As for judging a performance, I am not much of a critic. If it turns me on, then I assume its good, even if they don’t cheat to the camera. I do notice sometimes though when the girl isn’t really getting off… that makes any porn video difficult to enjoy, although I do think as a girl I just notice those things more. We just know when another girl is faking it. You can almost smell it!

(I am going to leave the smell it line alone, I am sure there is a joke in there somewhere.)

5) Do you ever go to urbandictionary.com for fun and read through the perverse sexual acts and put a price tag on it? Has anyone ever attempted a Birmingham Booty Call on screen before, if not would you consider it?

I am a fan of Urban Dictionary… although I don’t find reading through perverse sexual acts a useful past time for myself. Now, having looked up my first perverse sexual act, solely because of this question, I’d have to say no one has ever attempted a Birmingham Booty Call on or off screen. I do want to add, that this is absolutely disgusting… and I wonder how on earth you came across this yourself. Maybe I should re-read the beginning of your question to figure that out! Regardless, I’m not even going to entertain the possibility of considering this!

(*Puts cell phone away with a dejected look on his face* maybe next time.)

If you want to check out Ashley you can follow her here:

SFW

Twitter.com/ashleysteel
Myspace.com/AshleySteel
http://www.karmastudent.com/blog/

NSFW

http://www.sendashleytocollege.com/

Also I would like to welcome Ashley to pointlessbanter.net, once every month or two she will be doing a segment called “ask a pornstar” you can send in your questions via the contact form on the site. This should be slightly entertaining.

It worked for Morgan Spurlock the director of “Super Size Me” who now has a show on FX and has obtained funding for other movie projects. Spurlock dared to ask, “What would happen to me if I ate McDonalds for an entire month?” Predictably the result was not good. But then again anyone that is not functionally retarded could have probably told you that. I asked my five year old nephew what would happen and he stated that, “you would poop a lot.” That would have been my answer as well. Sure Spurlock pushed it to a point where his organs were potentially going to shut down but we all knew the results wouldn’t be good.

While I thought Spurlock was kind of a jackass for doing the whole McDonalds experiment he has been surpassed by two teachers from San Diego that have decided to see if they could eat for a dollar a day for an entire month. They aren’t doing it for “any political reasons” but just to see if they can do it. Of course they started a blog to document the whole thing. You know just so their “friends and family” can be stay updated on what they are doing.

Yeah I mean I start blogs for my friends and family to track what I am doing. Also I make sure to put a “sponsor us” button at the end of the post. Because nothing says “just for friends and family” more than a sponsor us button. Perhaps they should sell t-shirts and hoodies just incase their families and friends want to “support” them.

These two teachers are now all over the press giving interviews about the important lessons they learned from subsisting the following diet for 30 days.

Breakfast: Oatmeal
Lunch: Homemade bread with a 1 tablespoon of peanut butter and 1 of jelly
Dinner: Bean and rice burrito

Plus they would also sprinkle in some Tang to make sure they didn’t get scurvy per the request of one of their mothers.

Guess what the lessons were? They felt tired, crabby, unhealthy, weak, and  lost an unhealthy amount of weight. Really? You didn’t feel full of energy, chipper, and ready to take over the world? They weren’t running triathlons fueled by this diet? Thank you for reinforcing what we learned about food consumption in the fourth grade.

Of course the press continues to eat it this up and continues to fuel the stupidity. Since the economy is in the tank they run this story about two employed school teachers living off a dollar a day not out of need but just to see what would happen. They ask them hard hitting questions like, “What couldn’t you afford?” I don’t know… how about everything? The teachers always say something about fresh fruits and vegetables (one or both are vegans). But really what does this prove or show to people? That if you chose to eat on a dollar a day you would have a shitty menu? Or how about, hey if you just lost your job this is what you potentially have to look forward to if you don’t find a job and run out of public assistance! There was no point to what they did yet they are being covered as a legitimate news story.

Whatever happened to just growing a garden and shutting the hell up?

The teachers say that they are planning new experiments in 2009 so they can remain in the public consciousness and show us that if you eat the same thing for the entire month you can be famous.

Time for me to go buy a shit load of fruit cups and if they try to copy me you can bet your ass I am suing them. (Hopefully that will get me on Court Tv at least.)

On a scale of 1-10 what level of douchebag did they reach?

You know I can’t say that I have ever picked up an underage girl nor would I want to. But I think if you went about it here are some of the things you need to consider.

1) While the idea of a van sounds cool it actually is a little creepy

The free candy van is just an internet joke, nobody would actually enter one. Vans without windows just remind people how the governor’s daughter was abducted at the start of “Silence of the Lambs.” On a side note whenever you are out in a bar and see an overweight girl signing “American Girl” to you just kind of laugh to yourself and think about that movie? (Is it just me?)

2) Kids don’t respond to candy or puppies these days like the used to

Back in the day it was much easier to get the attention of underage girls. A cute puppy, sweets, and dolls were usually more than enough to pick up chicks. Now kids are drinking earlier, more technologically advanced, and way smarter. So you either have to buy them booze or get them an I-pod.

3) Mustaches are automatically a deal breaker

No matter how much you ultimately want to give someone a mustache ride it is a deal breaker with dealing with anyone under the age of 35.

4) Hanging out in front of the school is probably a bad idea

While you would think the natural place to pick up an underage girl is out in front of her school it is probably a bad idea. You know with the whole law enforcement and multiple adults around thing. It is all about the mall and malt shops or that is what the creepy old guy that lives down the street told me.

5) Going over to her parent’s house for dinner is something you should pass on

Nothing would blow your cover and be more uncomfortable than going over to her parent’s house for dinner. Well unless you live in the south where it would be socially acceptable. While she might pressure you that she wants to show you off to her parents and let everyone know about your relationship you probably should curb that idea.

So there you go, happy hunting and I hope you burn in hell for breaking the law.

Any tips that you would like to share?