Don’t believe me, well consider the totally scientific evidence:

1.  In earlier times, African American men could never aspire to the heights of serial killerdom.  Go ahead, name three African American serial killers.  Can’t do it, can you.  That’s because the elitist White Man reserved this most heinous of crimes for himself, guarding it jealously.  The inherent self-esteem issues caused by years of racial bigotry meant that no African American male would have dreamt that someday he too could slay a dozen hookers and hide their bodies in a crawlspace.  The Anthony Sowell case smashes this long-held relic from the Jim Crow days and promises to ring in a new era where all men, black and white alike, are free to chop women to bits and store them in freezers, basements and makeshift crypts.

Anthony Sowell: The Rosa Parks of Serial Killers

2.  The very fact that Sowell could get away with killing 10 people serial style represents a huge leap forward in terms of the relationship between African Americans and law enforcement.  Time was when only pasty white dudes could go undetected as they slaughtered and cannibalized their way through a community.  20 years ago Sowell would have been locked up years earlier for some serious infraction such as a broken tail light or dating a white woman.  Certainly he never would have made it out of jail after his first rape conviction.  Point is: finally, FINALLY, law enforcement has evened the playing field.

So even as we mark this dark deed, it’s a bright day indeed for America.  First a black president, and now a black serial killer.  “Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, we are free at last.”

I believe that the guy did his time and deserves a second chance so playing in the NFL is fine.  But getting an endorsement deal is just one step too far in my book. You see while I think what he did with the whole dog-killing thing is morally wrong and disgusting it isn’t the reason I want to boycott Nike. (Really when anything called a “rape stand” comes into play that is a pretty bad sign.) Personally I am pissed because he is a guy that plays seven plays a game and is nothing more than a decoy and a backup quarterback. Why is mediocrity getting rewarded?

If he became a superstar again I wouldn’t give a shit, more power to him. But he isn’t and frankly he isn’t going to be. (I have a more accurate completion percentage than Vick.) Basically he is getting an endorsement deal because he is getting a lot of press and is controversial. If being controversial and being an active or former athlete is the basis for an endorsement deal what athlete is next?

Charles Barkley- Sir Charles arrested for driving drunk and when he was pulled over said he was headed around the corner to get a blowjob. Maybe Nike should sign him… wait he is already under contract. (But that is totally awesome and he should be celebrated. So I guess we can cross him off the list.)

Kenny Powers- Racist, steroid user, drug abuser, and responsible for knocking Reg Mackworthy’s eye out of his head, Powers is still less reprehensible than Michael Vick.

Leonard Little- Killed a lady while driving drunk with a .19 BAC, he still plays for the Rams and received a whopping 90 days in jail. Nike could do a special line of shoes for him and Donte Stallworth with a Breathalyzer built right into the heel.

That Dude at the Beginning of The Last Boy Scout- The wide receiver at the beginning of the movie that took a gun out of his pants and started shooting other players… Oh I forgot he shot himself…. Forget it.

On a side note, I was going to off myself in front of a stadium of 75,000 people I would have come up with a better line than, “Ain’t Life a Bitch.”

I know you can all sense my extreme outrage and perhaps I should have felt like this earlier. Sure there are plenty of other reasons to boycott Nike. But frankly I have been a Nike guy for a long time so I just ignore those.

This was my reaction in the past.

Friend: Hey Bobby, you know a seven year old in a cage that gets one meal a day and make .13 an hour made those shoes?

Me: Well tell him he did a good job if you ever meet him.

This is my reaction now.

Friend: Hey did you hear Nike signed Mike Vick to an endorsement deal?

Me: That is fucking outrageous, insulting, horrible for humanity, and just makes me feel dirty every time I put a pair of shoes on. I am so boycotting them.

So uh… who is jumping on this train?

The fact that he finally was arrested or his story didn’t really shock me or anything, I have known about his life story for a long time now. (which is a pretty messed up one) I don’t know what he will be remembered for more? Polanksi has directed some great movies including winning an Oscar for “The Pianist”. He was married to Sharon Tate who was killed by the Manson family in California while eight months pregnant. Then you add in the fact that he hasn’t lived in the United States for over thirty years because he had sex with a 13-year-old girl and plead guilty for having sex with a minor. (But skipped town when it looked like the judge was going to issue a stiffer sentence that what was agreed upon.) What really kept my attention reading the article were some of the statements in it.

“Polanski was accused of plying a 13-year-old girl with champagne and a sliver of a quaalude tablet and performing various sex acts, including intercourse, with her during a photo shoot at actor Jack Nicholson’s house. He was 43 at the time.”

I am confused about the photo shoot thing. Was she there to be in the photo shoot or was there a photo shoot occurring in general and she just happened to be there? Anyway… I will save the obvious, “Where the hell were here parents?” diatribe for later.

I always wondered about this: who under the age of 25 would want to sleep with a weird 43 year old European guy that wasn’t really that attractive? I guess that is where the drugs come into play. Giving a 13-year-old champagne and part of a lude is the equivalent of Will Ferrell shooting himself in the neck with the tranquilizer gun in “Old School”.

Also the various sex acts statement cracks me up. It says intercourse and then you have to assume some oral but I wouldn’t add them together to say “various”. What else happened? Was there a Cleveland Steamer performed or perhaps a Hot Carl? What constitutes “various sex acts”?

Nicholson was not at home, but his girlfriend at the time, actress Anjelica Huston, was.

According to a probation report contained in the filing, Huston described the victim as “sullen.”

“She appeared to be one of those kind of little chicks between — could be any age up to 25. She did not look like a 13-year-old scared little thing,” Huston said.

I have admitted that I have a horrible time guessing the age of various people. But how the hell do you not just know a 13 year old girl is young and of a questionable age? Getting a 16-18 year old confused with a 21 one year old… sure…. But a 13 year old for a 25 year old? I decided I had to hunt on the internet to find a picture of what she looked like at 13, thankfully CNN provided the victim’s name (Samantha Geimer).

Yeah I can see how they totally fucked that up. Using this scale of age guesstimations means that Megan Fox is 45. Also do you think Polanski sees what she looks like now and wants to take back the whole thing? My question is do you think was destined to be this ugly or did the whole losing your virginity to a weird Hollywood director at age 13 play into it?

Samantha Geimer filed court papers in January saying, “I am no longer a 13-year-old child. I have dealt with the difficulties of being a victim, have surmounted and surpassed them with one exception.

“Every time this case is brought to the attention of the Court, great focus is made of me, my family, my mother and others. That attention is not pleasant to experience and is not worth maintaining over some irrelevant legal nicety, the continuation of the case.”

Oh a focus on your parents, you don’t say? I wonder why that could be? Perhaps letting you attend a photo shoot at Jack Nicholson’s house in the 70s and not being there to supervise might draw the attention of some people. That would be like a kid going over to Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston’s place earlier this decade unsupervised or the Neverland Ranch at anytime during the last 15 years. Who the hell let’s a situation like that happen?

As a parent you pretty much have certain parameters that you need to operate under.

1) Don’t let your kids near unlocked firearms.

2) Don’t let them play with matches.

3) Don’t let them ingest anything that you keep below the sink.

4) Don’t let them go over to Jack Nicholson’s house unsupervised.

So I guess here parents were complete failures or something… Wow this post went entirely too long.

How many sex acts need to occur to be considered “various sex acts”?

Anyway, I have decided to step in and help out our government building on the best idea I have heard proposed and it came from…. Sarah Palin. I know… I know… I wouldn’t trust her to bake me cookies or even breed a kid with the right number of chromosomes but she has concocted the best idea I have heard yet… Death Panels.

Sure she pulled this out of her ass by twisting end of life counseling (suggested for the bill by a Republican) into something totally barbaric but I have to say she unintentionally stumbled into a great idea that I think we need to expand on. We should call it a “life or death panel” and here is what it should cover.

This panel decides:

1) If you are over the age of 75 and can’t drive worth a shit. You are slowing down traffic and causing accidents, even preventing me from getting to where I need to be on time, well you need to die. Everyone in the United States is afraid to take away your license and your freedom so I say we should just skip to the next step and eliminate you from the planet.

Result: Florida trims their population in half.

2) If you are about to have a kid and you have the intelligence of most table condiments well… You need to come to the panel. At the panel we will put you up against a chicken in a game of tic-tac-toe and if you lose it proves that you are too dumb to have a child. We will hook you up to a shop-vac and take care of everything right there, including super gluing your vagina closed so you don’t have to waste tax dollars by coming in front of the committee again.

Result: We stop the plot of “Idiocracy” from actually happening but probably lose ¼ of the United States population. West Virginia becomes the first “ghost state” ever.

3) Your need an organ donation? We decide any disputes that might arise. If multiple people are up for an organ here is how we are going to decide it.

a) If they are a celebrity we consider your body of work. If it sucks, say you are DJ Qualls, we are giving the new liver to the pedophile you are up against.

b) If there are no celebrities involved we evaluate both of your lives. If you are tied after that we decide by… no not a fight to the death, we aren’t barbaric. No we decide by a game of Sorry! Not only we not have to apologize for putting you through this because the game says it all we get a good laugh every time one of you sends someone back to the start.

You are welcome America; I think I just started us off on the right foot.

Anything else we should consider for the death panels?

All of that has come to an end though as of last Friday… I don’t know if it came to an end in a negative/gross way or in a “this is so fucking awesome it can never be topped way”. Let me tell you the story.

Over a decade ago a Michigan women name Aimee Louise Sword gave her son up for adoption. Years later said women decided to track down her son…. So boring and normal right… Wait it gets better. She didn’t track him down to take him out for ice cream or explain to him why he was adopted or clear up questions he had… No she tracked him down to screw his brains out.

What are you in here for? Oh I gave my son a rim job.

What better way to make up for turning your back on your kid and giving him up for adoption than to let him slide into your stink ditch? How motherly…

This now tops every “teacher sleeping with their students” story ever. (Florida is so off the hook.) However there are so many questions that this entire story brings up:

1) Did he know that it was his biological mother? How do you talk yourself into that if you did know? “She might be my biological but she really isn’t my mother.”  Or is it one of those things where you are a teenager and really don’t care where he sticks it?

2) Is she fat? (Not that there is anything wrong with that.) This is more for spank bank purposes. I only found three pictures of her. The mug shot is one of those MySpace/Facebook style photos that don’t show the body and is totally top down. The other two are all upper body but one reveals fat arms, but she doesn’t have a fat face… I am just curious.

3) Do you think we have this all backwards and he seduced her? I mean she hasn’t been a parent or anything she doesn’t know what’s what… Kids are tricky little shits that try and get away with anything they can especially when it comes to bedtime.

Dude: My adoptive mommy blows me before I go to bed.

Aimee Louise Sword: Aw that is sweet she blows you a kiss.

Dude: Uh, no she puts my junk in her mouth.

Aimee Louise Sword: Oh… I haven’t raised a kid I don’t know how it works. Well I hate to ruin your typical routine, whip it out.

How many therapy sessions is it going to take for this kid to get his shit together when he becomes an adult?

I’m not going to beat around the bush here on this one. The damn thing is everywhere now, and let’s face it, Jon and Kate Gosselin getting a divorce is not really “news”.

Divorce in any case is shit, throw in 8 children who know little more than having television cameras waved in their faces all the time, well, I smell years of therapy (and am secretly kicking myself in the balls for not following through with my drunken college decision one night to pursue a degree in Psychology…which I forgot about until, well, now).

I’ve read quite a few pieces on the divorce and it is the usual crapola. Kate thinks the relationship is “irreconcilable” and over, despite her onscreen berating of Jon. Jon states his disappointment publicly, all the while pouring the coal to a 23 year old honey with a size 44 bustline to match her 44 IQ. And in the mix is the Junior VietCong Army. Sad story right?

What I do find amusing in this whole sordid affair is the stance that America has taken on the issue divides right down the “sex” lines.

Women see Kate as an independent, successful woman with a set of apples for taking control of a situation most don’t understand and dealing with the adversity of having so many kids plus a husband who is a “retard”.

Men see Kate as a controlling bitch who is so out of touch with reality, is money grubbing, frigid and a beast of a cow hell bent on personal success at the cost of everyone around her.

I’ve only seen a few snippets of the show over the years and this latest clip of Kate denying her thirsty, whiny brat daughter water while sipping a drink of water in front of her.

I can’t say that I really give a shit either way. Maybe I just like seeing men and women get so bent out of shape at each other over something so asinine and ridiculous as a TV show that made two people more money than I could ever dream of simply for procreating. I mean, maybe I need to lay the pipe to a eight women, get them all pregnant and we can have TLC film me working as an port-a-john cleaner/jizz mopper while I live in a box so I can pay child support.

What do you think about these people? Or don’t you think about them at all?

Now the time has come where our beloved Bobby has entered into that zone of life that he never, ever imagined, where all his sacred thoughts, perverted and twisted acts and downright debauchery of all things sacred to man have come to a screeching halt. As my wife unintentionally entered the Bob’s mother, my sister and the woman whose very loins dropped that 14 lb head, gut of a Greek god (fully bloated), and the owner of the “Herman” onto the world of Facebook, she has joined the 21st century, totally and forever keeping the mother’s hand on the author’s doings, writings and all things bullshit. The reasons’ this is sweet are as follows:

1. You had it coming…all those years, all those years when we heard how you were doing so great, your grades were exceptional (Bobby graduated from the longest named college in the state of California, not to mention that before they turned into his alma mater, it was a nut house, and they accredited the inmates, so that American Histories of Television professor you had was actually a hobo who watched every channel piped into his ward, 24/7 and remembers’ when Brutus and Bluto were the same person)…when we sat at all those seasonal gatherings and had to wait for your over-nourished and under educated body to arise at 3 pm so we could have the traditional family dinner, while you rambled on and on about your current mountings of the opposite sex (I won’t mention the duck and……………wait, I just did)….while “Mom” sat by with her Betty Crocker smile and dinner, all this for her little boy.

Skank...

2.Your sister is laughing all the way to Tijuana…I can see it now, as she drives with her current tattooed, coked-out, one toothed, three eyed “client” to the land of pharmaceutical heaven, and after she pays the guy for the lip balm to clear up that nasty “cold sore”, she gazes into her laptop (which isn’t busy at the moment….her lap that is), and to her astonishment, here is her published and highly touted brother, reading how as you explain to your mother about the girl, the midget (sorry….vertically challenged individual) and the subway…you may be Mom’s favorite now, but the time is now for you to run and hide.

3. Now it’s my turn….  ha  that’s all I’ve got and now you realize that all those times’ when you cried and hollered and screamed “I’m telling my mother” will now forever live on in your scary little world plus the fact she now knows’ what you do every day, and you are not working at that home in Boston where all those 90+ year old people who had coronaries’ after the Red Sox won their rings’.

So rather than just punch in and go on a diatribe about how I think Susan Boyle is giving Simon Cowell the best blowjobs he has ever had, I will hit on a few topics and just ease my way back into the Pointless Banter pond.

Susan Boyle

Speaking of Susan, I don’t quite get the fuss. Don’t get me wrong, Susan Boyle can sing the shit out of 99% of anyone on planet Earth. Her rendition of I Don’t Know the Name Of That One Song Because It Is Ancient on “Britain’s Got Talent” blew me away, and that is no small feat considering that I find fault with everyone’s singing performances outside of my own karaoke nightmares masterpieces, including one recent one involving a twelve pack of Milwaukee’s Best and New Edition’s “Mr. Telephone Man”.

I guess what I mean about the “fuss” is that if anyone thinks for one second that these judges did not know she would come out on stage looking like Miss Field’s and sing her ass off, then you are a complete asshat. Was she good? Yes. Does she deserve the attention is getting? Sure. Just don’t pander to the stupid people of America (see: Bama, -Ala) and tell us that she was a “shock”. But she should have won you bastards.

Hispanic Bottle Return Day

This might be a little regional specific, so all three of you PB readers from the great state of Michigan will completely get this one. The rest of you will have to just hold your breath until I get to my next take, which may or may not include me bashing on PETA.

Today I went into my local grocery store/cheap clothier/Emo Starbucks to return bottles I had drank/collected over the past few weeks. You see, in Michigan, for soda and beer bottles & cans, we get to return them to food places and get $0.10 for each one. This is clearly documented in the Seinfeld episode “The Bottle Deposit”, and before you haul off and say, “that’s fuckin’ sweet, man! Michigan must rock”, know this…

Half of our people are unemployed, every business is bankupt and our governor reminds everyone of the Principal from the movie “Uncle Buck”.

Anyway, we have a huge Hispanic population here, why I don’t know. But we do. And it has become apparent to me that every single Hispanic family in my area considers it great family time to go to their local Meijer on a Sunday and return approximately 1,944 Dos Equis beer cans while the rest of their family runs around thinking the dairy coolers are there for their amusement.

Look. Before you get all huffy and pissy and accuse me of being an insensitive dick hole and a racist, understand this: I love Hispanic cultures. I have lots of Hispanic friends (because this excuse always works, right?). I love them so much I even know there is more than one Hispanic “culture”. I speak Spanish. I love Corona. I love burritos. I love the fact that Hispanic people all have tinted windows and their last names or memorials written into the back of their 1996 Grand Am’s, and they all have tattoo’s in places I didn’t think tattoo artists could legally touch without the courtesy of a reach-around.

Besides I am Polish and we fought the German Army with a Pack Mule and a water pistol and expected to win, so I have no room to talk.

But for the love of all that is holy, please tell Lil’ Pepe to keeps his hands off of my milk while deciding it is good fun to lick the inside glass because it “Se siente mejor que sexo con mi primo”.

PETA

They suck. Any questions? Moving on…

Angelina Jolie and Madonna

Hags. Angelina, how the fuck can you be pregnant every damn week? And if your not pregnant, how the fuck can you be wishing to adopt another kid from some country where “clean drinking water” is considered a liquid that doesn’t have any visible feces floating in it? I say this because you aren’t denying the rumors pasted on the covers of National Enquirer and Star magazines, and if those fish wraps aren’t paragons of literary truth, I don’t know what is.

And Madonna, just because you had a decent number of hit songs dating back to when I eagerly looked under girls skirts by dropping coins and had a Vat of Vaseline under my bed (which might have been yesterday…hmmm), and you now speak with a British accent despite being from DETROIT, that does not give you the right to supercede a nation’s wishes, not to mention laws, to collect another brat from the nation of “Whatarecondoms”.

Both of you. Knock it the fuck off. We live in a country where poor people pro-create all the time in order to get more Gubment money. Adopt one of those kids. Or are our kids here not good enough? Have you seen Detroit lately? It’s a step below “Fecalmatter, Cambodia”. So, if you like those kids, you’ll like ours.

Is there anything else I missed? How the hell have you all been? Finstock…don’t fire me yet.

We'll name the lead crow Jim, nobody will be offended.

The blame it on the Negroes strategy has been deployed numerous times throughout the history of the United States some of these stories are more famous than others, hell Bob Dylan mumbled a song about an instance (and mutilated the facts a bit). To me though in what is supposed to be “post racial” America (which is bullshit) we need to start accusing other people that “all look alike”. African Americans have shouldered the false accusations long enough. Here are some suggestions next time you want to falsely accuse someone of something.

This is what I got when I googled old asian women...

1) Old Asians Females- You can’t tell me that one hunched over old female Asian lady doesn’t look the same as every other old hunched over Asian lady. When you get a bus full of them going to an outlet mall or a casino all hell can break loose. The problem with convincing police officers that you were robbed/mugged/abducted by an old Asian lady is that it is going to make you look like a complete pussy.

Rachel McAdams or Elizabeth Banks?

2) Elizabeth Banks/Rachel McAdams- I can’t tell them apart. Banks has a man like looking jaw at times and that is what I use to tell them apart but if I don’t have the right angle or right lighting it is a lost caused. Of course trying to explain to the police why Elizabeth Banks and Rachel McAdams brutally assaulted you because you are trying to cover for the guy in your chemistry class that just date raped you after a night of drinking is a hard sell.

3) Midgets/Mongoloids- While you really can’t get midgets or mongoloids mixed up between the two groups themselves (Corky did not look like one of the people of Oz) you can get them mixed up within their own groups. The downside to this is explaining how either group pulled of a crime because the police aren’t going to take you serious when you name either group.

With midgets you should be able to physically dominate them. As far as them handling a firearm it is near impossible with their small stubby hands…. unless there is a special gun manufacturer that specializes in making weaponry for midgets? Maybe they call themselves “sawed off firearms”… Who knows?

As far as mongoloids well… they do have retard strength, which could provide an excuse for physical domination. But the mental deficiency is something that you should be able to overcome by offering a hug or a baseball. (Everything I learned about retarded people came from “Something About Mary”)

In the end it looks like there isn’t another group of people that white people logically can blame for made up crimes. I’d like to apologize to all the African Americans out there; it is a bum rap and kind of a shitty deal. I think your only hope is a massive increase in the Samoan population. Those bastards are all huge, have a tribal tattoo, and facial hair. In fact maybe you should go and grab a bunch of them against their will and bring them here… uh, strike that.

Well at least we have a black President.

Will we ever find another group of people to randomly blame crimes on?

The Della site is chock full of female-friendly information to help me buy my new Dell computer. It even offers handy Tech Tips, geared to women! Let’s check them out, shall we?

1. Get smarter: It’s easy to turn your netbook into a completely portable eBook reader. You can download the free Adobe Digital Editions software to manage your eBooks or access more than 28,000 free books at Project Gutenburg.

Books?  I thought it was just my job to shut up and look pretty.

2. Get healthier: Track your exercise and food intake at free online sites like Fitday. Use your mini to track calories, carbs and protein with ease, watch online fitness videos, map your running routes and more.

Sitting behind a computer screen has long been the key to fitness.

3. Eat better: Find recipes online, store and organize them, and watch cooking videos.

Wait, I thought I was supposed to be watching my food intake. Now I’m supposed to be in the kitchen. This computer stuff is awfully confusing. No wonder Cathy is always so stressed.

Tina Fey is the only person who ever made this funny.

4. Get organized: Remember the Milk is a free, tweakable online task manager that’s easy to use: you track your time, make lists and send yourself remembers with Google Calendar and Google Tasks. Lifehacker is a great place to find out about the latest online productivity tools to make your life simpler, easier and better.

Clearly men have superior intellect that has no need of task managers and time management tools. But as a woman, I need to “send myself remembers” to remind me of my “brain ideas” (men, you have these too, but they are known as “thoughts.”)

Malibu Stacy knows! "Thinking gives you wrinkles!"

5. Chill out: Stressed? Your mini can be your meditation buddy as you take mini-breaks throughout your day (schedule them, with reminders, on your calendar). You can find free guided meditations, download meditation podcasts, watch yoga videos, create soothing slideshows of images and music and even bliss out to Visible Earth images courtesy of NASA.

Hang on, ladies, there’s too much thinking going on! We don’t want you putting together too many of those brain ideas into coherent thought sentences that may spell out trouble in the long run. Here, look at the pretty pictures!

6. Travel smarter: Your lightweight, packable netbook can transform your traveling experience, whether you’re commuting across town or backpacking the globe. Use your netbook to vlog and blog about your journey; translate your blogs into other languages; help you convert currency; track the weather; collect, edit and upload photos; entertain you in airports, trains and buses.

A computer can keep me connected while I travel? Next you’re going to be telling me that they make phones that don’t have to be plugged into the wall!
7. Stay in the clouds: “Cloud computing” is a buzzword for what your mini does best: save money and time by using free online apps for everything you need-meaning you don’t need to buy, install or update a bunch of space- and memory-hogging applications on your computer itself. No matter what operating system you have, it’s easy to find free and low-cost streaming media and online apps. Use Google Docs to create and share spreadsheets, presentations, reports, forms and more; edit, store and share your photos online as well. Any time you need to transfer data to or from your mini, you can stream it, port it via removable SD cards or USB flash drives or plug in an external drive.

Wait, I thought it was a diet, exercise, productivity planner and relaxation device. You mean that I CAN USE IT LIKE AN ACTUAL COMPUTER?!

As a woman, I understand that companies are going to want to market to me as a vagina with legs, but does it have to be a dumb vagina with legs?

Dear Dell: I want a computer that’s fast. That’s cheap. That’s plug and play and comes with a built-in video camera.

And maybe that’s pink.

(I am a woman, after all.)

What do you think?