For those of you who don’t know what erotic fan fiction is … well basically it is poorly written stories penned by disturbed social misfits where they have characters from books, movies, and television get it on. If you ever wanted to read about a Harry Potter threesome with Hermione getting railed from both ends by that Giant dude and Hans from “Die Hard” well you can find it on the interwebs.

So today I would like to unveil my new story, well the start of it anyway.

“Gonzo fucks the Olsen Twins”

It was a dark and stormy night in Manhattan, one where you could taste the pain and despair of the city on your tongue. Two young waifs walk down an alley looking to drown the pressures of fame with some cheap bourbon and some even cheaper thrills. The clicks of their heels echo through the alleyway, finally the sound stops as they reach an unmarked door.

“Is this it?” Mary Kate purrs with excitement.

Ashley quickly slaps her sister across the face, “I don’t know, I haven’t been here before you fucking idiot. Christ, the shit I have to do to get you laid you worthless piece of crap.”

Mary Kate’s eyes well up but she swallows hard and pulls herself together. She quietly thinks to herself that this probably won’t be the first time she is going to be swallowing hard this evening. A sense of anticipation and glee overtake her, she is turned on, partly from the flesh of her sister hitting her and partly from what is about to come.

The two women push the door and walk into a dimly lit bar. This place isn’t one that you would take your family or even your worst enemy. Throughout the bar you see people that have lived a hard life full of broken dreams, misspent youth, and times in the hoosegow. Both women walk through the bar slowly, checking out the patrons but avoiding eye contact.

Finally they stop in the corner at a booth occupied by a lone individual. His face and body is obscured by the shadows but one can still make out one appendage, his large and crooked nose.

Mary Kate looks into the booth, “I hear you like to party.”

Gonzo leans forward, “What are you guys into?”

“I’d like to snort coke off your nose,” Mary Kate whispers while Ashley takes a step forward and stumbles into the booth, her face almost in Gonzo’s crotch.

“And I’d like to snort a combination of Adderall and diet pills off of your… wait is it as crooked as your nose?”

That is all I have for now… I really think I am onto something.

What pair of fictional characters would you like to see/not see bang?

I have to say I completely love the entire Balloon Boy thing and I hope his dad doesn’t go to jail. There aren’t enough hoaxes pulled off anymore. Saying that whatever celebrity, one that is probably either slightly washed up or unheard from for a while, is dead doesn’t constitute a hoax. However faking your son’s disappearance coupled with an exciting balloon chase totally kicks ass.

Everyone is piling on the guy because of his blatant attempt to use this to gain a reality show yet we celebrate Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian for flashing their beavers and taping their sexual escapades with people that most girls hammered in a bar wouldn’t let touch them. At least this guy did it with some gusto and the threat of the death of a preschooler. That takes talent, working a video camera and acting like a whore doesn’t.

Actually I think the whore path to fame has totally worn out. America has grown tired of these antics and really craves for something pure. So we have turned to children, which has led to Octomom, Jon and Kate, and Balloon Boy. (So much for pureness.)

Now that I can’t fuck my way into the spotlight and the fact that kids take too long to develop I need to think about what is coming next and how to become the leader in that category. I know being a complete idiot and walking around with an extra chromosome while looking for a date is cool (see any VH-1 show) that won’t last long either. So I have to figure out how I can land a reality show:

1) Exploitation of animals- I have decided to wear an all kitten coat this winter. The kicker is that the kittens won’t be dead; they will just be attached to the coat. People will pet them and feed them… There might be an issue with feces but what the hell you can’t smell through a television. Each week I could find a new way to exploit an animal for personal attention… I can’t wait for Rhino week.

2) Race baiting- We are supposed to be living in a “post racial America” but anyone that has turned on cable news or watched five minutes of a tea party video knows that is far from the case. “Our use of the term coon is totally humorous.”

So why don’t I try to recreate the movie “Soul Man” and use it to prove that we don’t live in a post racial society? What is that I smell? An Emmy in the reality category or maybe that is the potential cross burning on my lawn?

3) Drug Trafficker- For some reason when people do something on reality television the law doesn’t apply to them. How many times have we witnessed someone driving drunk, punching, and other things where the people have no repercussions? So why can’t we do something super illegal and film it the entire time with the logic that we are taping a reality show? Murder for hire? Drug Mule? Prostitute? Wall Street CEO… The possibilities are endless.

Personally I am a big fan of the drug mule one. When I am at the border and the drug dogs are going ape shit I can just explain that the 75 condoms that I swallowed full of H is for a reality show. Genius? I think so.

So now that whores and children are out of the picture as a way to become a reality star what is next?

My personal policy has been to just buy the cheapest thing possible and get the hell out of their way. They feel happy because they pushed some crappy stuff on me and I feel okay because I boosted their spirits so that they can be told “no” for the next two hours.

This was a pretty harmonious balance until Saturday when it all got messed up.

The Boy Scouts have deployed a new technique that I don’t approve of but it totally work… Yup, you guessed it, station the one MILF out of the entire group of parents to work with the boys.

On Saturday I went to the supermarket to pick up a few things so I could stay glued to the couch for the remainder of the weekend convalescing. After grabbing what I needed and breezing through the self checkout line I was giddy that I was going to get home to watch the start of college football when I was approached by two kids. In fact that kids didn’t really say anything, they just kind of stood there and looked awkward while the MILF came in and started pitching me popcorn.

Her slightly unbuttoned shirt and rosy demeanor wasn’t something I was expecting or prepared for. In fact it was overwhelming. Within two minutes I was buying $25 worth of microwave popcorn that I could probably buy in a supermarket for under $10.

As one of the snot filled kids handed me the box, probably giving me H1N1 I stumbled out of the store not knowing what hit me. With each step I took to the car I grew more and more upset. The kids didn’t sell me or even ASK me to buy anything it was the MILF and she was using stripper-selling techniques.

Stripper selling techniques 101

1) Shove tits in face

2) Smile

3) Talk in a sexy voice

4) Get guy to buy you anything you want

How did I fall for this? How was I blinded to what was going on? It boiled down to the fact that her breasts were utterly fantastic and they were deployed in an area where I wasn’t expecting them. In a strip club you can resist the stripper selling techniques, in a bar with some trashy girls you can as well, Vegas… sure. You expect cleavage to be shoved at you. Outside of a supermarket on a Saturday morning… well that is just a sneak attack.

So Boy Scouts of America I have to say it is on. Next time a scout comes to my door to sell me anything I am pissing on them from the second floor. That is of course unless you send a MILF out with them. Bastards.

First of all there were more women at the event than men (10 men vs. 14 women), which I guess was good for me especially when you break down the women.

4 of the 14- In Roman times these four women would have been tossed off a cliff so they didn’t weaken the gene pool.

2 of the 14- I call this the “I wear horribly inappropriate clothing for my body type” group. We come in all shapes and sizes, I am far from slim and far from morbidly obese but I recognize what I can and can’t wear clothing wise. When your cleavage and fat roll combine together to make a breastgut, which you show off by wearing the tightest shirt possible than you need an intervention

4 of the 14- Dateable, attractive, and I would go on a real date with them.

4 of the 14- The other four are severely lacking a personality and probably are owners of multiple cats.

4 out of 14 isn’t horrible I guess. I should also point out that 2 out of 14 were psychiatrists. I am not sure what that tells you about that field of study. On the flip side this is what I was up against. (Not including myself.) Now mind you this is just based off of looks, I didn’t actually talk to any of the guys.

2 out of 10- Two of the guys were pretty well put together. Groomed and dressed decently. You can tell they showered, which can’t be understated.

1 out of 10- A guy wearing a Cosby sweater.

1 out of 10- The event was for people 29-39. There is no way this guy was under 45. In fact he looked like the dad from “Just the Ten of Us”.

1 out of 10- Shaved head, goatee, and an arm sleeve of tats, the bad boy of the group. He had a ton of attention before the event started from the ladies that were there early. Women love guys that potentially suffer from hepatitis, it is just a fact.

4 out of 10- I am going to just assume that they were virgins.

The format was that each person would go on a ten minute “date”. Guys would rotate through table by table while the women stayed stationary. Each person was given a sheet where they wrote down notes and had a check box if they wanted to go out with that person. Each party involved protected these sheets like nuclear launch codes. I wish I could say that each date was memorable and interesting but it was far from the case. Here are some of the highlights.

-“The Party of No”- Occasionally you could sneak a look at the other person’s sheet. I caught one sheet by someone that fell into the cat group. She had met with seven guys so far and gave them all a no. This really made me think a couple of things. First thing is: how bad were those other seven guys? The second thing is what the hell were her criteria? Did she realize she is on the path to dying completely and utterly alone? Did she think her cats would not like the guy?

-“Miss Overly Enthusiastic” There is nothing worse than fake enthusiasm. When you play up the fake enthusiasm to a super level that is blended with desperation and the smell of someone’s ovaries drying up it is frightening. Personally I want women to be completely aloof and not interested in anything over someone that is interested anything I say or put in front of her.

(This is what the conversation sounded like in my head.)

Me: So I made toast this morning.

Her: TOAST is the single greatest thing ever!!!!! What did you put on it? Please say grape jelly, please say grape jelly… Do you think our kids will like grape jelly? Please fill me with your seed.

-“You don’t mind if I eat?” The weirdest moment came when one of my dates had a plate of food delivered to her, which she promptly destroyed right in front of me. Is there anything more attractive than watching someone knock back a baked potato like they have been stranded on an island for a decade? She couldn’t wait an extra half hour to eat? This has to be some sort of violation of speed dating protocol. Can someone dig up Miss Manners and ask her?

-“Shelly Duval” One of the last few “dates” that I had was with a woman that looked like Shelly Duval. All I could think about was “The Shining” which led me to think about those creepy little girls. It freaked me the fuck out.

In the end on my little sheet I checked that I would like to be set up with three of the people. They have to check on their sheet that they are interested in me in return in order to be set up on a “date”. I don’t know if I really would want to go out with any of them and the checkmarks are more to feed my ego and see if I was right by picking them. Of course if none of the three checked their boxes and I am told nobody is interested in me I won’t leave the house for the year and will probably urinate it various bottles that I will store in my pantry.

Have you, would you, or could you ever do speed dating?

Like most other heterosexual men and lesbian women, I went to see Transformers 2 this summer. Anyone who says that movie was good should be shot in the face with an M66 or stabbed in the gut with the sword from Halo. There was one good thing about this movie, but five bad things. And I do mean bad:

5. The plot sucked butt. Major butt. In the first movie, Megatron was like the shit. Can i cuss? Not sure. Anyway, he was the shit. In this movie, there was some new guy called ‘the Fallen’ and the cube was like irrelevant. Made the first movie seem kinda pointless. And, Shiola Bluff still isn’t hot! Then you had like a robot that looked like a hot blonde chick….where did that come from?

4. Why so cheesy! You know, when they like bring up the music and slow everyone down for that extra dramatic effect, when all they were doing is running. If Megan Fox was topless, I would totally understand the point, but she kept her clothes on.

3. Megan Fox kept her clothes on.

2. They made Starscream look like a punk. If you watched Transformers like as a kid, chances are Starscream was like the coolest thing since pockets and the most awesome thing since me. Did I tell you? I’m awesome. Anyway, like they just made him look like he stanked.

1. We have come to the number one reason why Transformers sucked. Drum roll….cause the parents were just plain annoying. Come on!…the mom ate one weed brownie and was high 10 seconds later. It takes a little longer than that to work. And weed doesn’t make you crunk, it frees your mind and make you creative. It also relaxes you and makes ‘Charlie and the Chocolate Factory’ the greatest movie ever to watch. Giving my mom weed would make her the coolest mom ever, not the most annoying.

The only reason Transformers was awesome is cause Megan Fox is hot. It disappointed me that she kept her clothes on, but I would still do her. I’m sure my husband wouldn’t care that I said that, cause he wants to do her too. She just doesn’t know that she could get this. I would go into detail, but I’m sure none of you guys would enjoy that ramble.

-discord in a relationship

-someone to lose political office

-a police officer to be embarrassed

-the discovery of someone’s secret porn career

Now at the event that shall not be named I was told that I was, “running for the governor of the new south” because I was being extremely sociable, buying drinks, and….

-paying for body shots off of people of the opposite sex

-leading a recreation of a donkey show I have seen in Mexico

-staging a reenactment of the Miggs greeting Clarice scene in Silence of the Lambs

-dancing to the greatest hits of Loverboy

I am disappointed that I am not allowed to talk about it. Personally my favorite part was.

-having a “sword fight” while taking a piss

-paying for a fat stripper to distract my friend while taking a billiards shot

-telling Matt LeBlanc I loved him in the monkey movie

-disproving everything about Mormonism

So you can recreate what you think the story is and know going that no matter what you chose it wasn’t as great as the actual event.

why don't boys like me?

When I was a young buck coming up through the “system” I remember girls that tried to overdose on Advil, that wore frumpy sweatshirts because they were ashamed of their bodies, or fucked every guy that moved (except me) to gain some sort of acceptance that daddy wouldn’t give them. However I don’t remember any girl or anyone ever talking about cutting. Sure maybe someone occasionally put a cigarette out on their arms like any reasonable person but nobody was whipping out their Hello Kitty lunchbox full of razors and carving up their inner thigh. It seems like it has come about really in the last 10-15 years and I honestly don’t get it.

If you look into the history of self-mutilation this has been discussed since 1880 and even categorized into different variations in the late 1970s but I wasn’t aware of it happening so it must not have happened. (I call this my virgin theory. As far as every girl I date goes they are virgins because I have never watched them have sex, participate in gangbangs or service an entire Navy ship. For certain things if I wasn’t there to see it happen it didn’t… like the holocaust.)

I think the uptick of this type of behavior can be squarely blamed on TV and movies because most of these girls would have never thought about doing it. Why you ask? Because teenage girls are totally fucking stupid and have almost zero ability to think for themselves in most instances, this explains the Jonas Brothers, Twilight, and anything-involving Ricky Martin for the first half of his life.

I can’t imagine a 15 year old girl sitting at home bathing in self loathing and then think, “Hey why don’t I go downstairs, grab a razor, and cut my inner thigh.” They aren’t that creative unless they are cutting up a Seventeen magazine and making a collage. Instead they see a movie like Secretary or watch an idiot on the Real World that gets hammered and decides to cut herself for attention. (Of course the example girl’s completely psycho behavior, desperate need to have constant attention, and everyone’s complete hatred of her is often glossed over… or is it?)

So I say to various media outlets that you need to change how you portray female teenage angst. Here is what you should try to emphasis instead of cutting.

1) Promiscuous behavior is a completely acceptable way for self-validation.

2) If you have problems overcoming your self-hatred to act in a promiscuous manner you should totally look into drinking heavily so you can prepare yourself.

3) Eating disorders are okay just don’t get too thin. Exposed ribs aren’t sexy.

4) Self-mutilation isn’t okay because guys don’t like scars.

(Or maybe there should be less glorification and more honest discussions about it… eh… What fun would that be?)

I should have been a guidance counselor.

I believe that the guy did his time and deserves a second chance so playing in the NFL is fine.  But getting an endorsement deal is just one step too far in my book. You see while I think what he did with the whole dog-killing thing is morally wrong and disgusting it isn’t the reason I want to boycott Nike. (Really when anything called a “rape stand” comes into play that is a pretty bad sign.) Personally I am pissed because he is a guy that plays seven plays a game and is nothing more than a decoy and a backup quarterback. Why is mediocrity getting rewarded?

If he became a superstar again I wouldn’t give a shit, more power to him. But he isn’t and frankly he isn’t going to be. (I have a more accurate completion percentage than Vick.) Basically he is getting an endorsement deal because he is getting a lot of press and is controversial. If being controversial and being an active or former athlete is the basis for an endorsement deal what athlete is next?

Charles Barkley- Sir Charles arrested for driving drunk and when he was pulled over said he was headed around the corner to get a blowjob. Maybe Nike should sign him… wait he is already under contract. (But that is totally awesome and he should be celebrated. So I guess we can cross him off the list.)

Kenny Powers- Racist, steroid user, drug abuser, and responsible for knocking Reg Mackworthy’s eye out of his head, Powers is still less reprehensible than Michael Vick.

Leonard Little- Killed a lady while driving drunk with a .19 BAC, he still plays for the Rams and received a whopping 90 days in jail. Nike could do a special line of shoes for him and Donte Stallworth with a Breathalyzer built right into the heel.

That Dude at the Beginning of The Last Boy Scout- The wide receiver at the beginning of the movie that took a gun out of his pants and started shooting other players… Oh I forgot he shot himself…. Forget it.

On a side note, I was going to off myself in front of a stadium of 75,000 people I would have come up with a better line than, “Ain’t Life a Bitch.”

I know you can all sense my extreme outrage and perhaps I should have felt like this earlier. Sure there are plenty of other reasons to boycott Nike. But frankly I have been a Nike guy for a long time so I just ignore those.

This was my reaction in the past.

Friend: Hey Bobby, you know a seven year old in a cage that gets one meal a day and make .13 an hour made those shoes?

Me: Well tell him he did a good job if you ever meet him.

This is my reaction now.

Friend: Hey did you hear Nike signed Mike Vick to an endorsement deal?

Me: That is fucking outrageous, insulting, horrible for humanity, and just makes me feel dirty every time I put a pair of shoes on. I am so boycotting them.

So uh… who is jumping on this train?

The fact that he finally was arrested or his story didn’t really shock me or anything, I have known about his life story for a long time now. (which is a pretty messed up one) I don’t know what he will be remembered for more? Polanksi has directed some great movies including winning an Oscar for “The Pianist”. He was married to Sharon Tate who was killed by the Manson family in California while eight months pregnant. Then you add in the fact that he hasn’t lived in the United States for over thirty years because he had sex with a 13-year-old girl and plead guilty for having sex with a minor. (But skipped town when it looked like the judge was going to issue a stiffer sentence that what was agreed upon.) What really kept my attention reading the article were some of the statements in it.

“Polanski was accused of plying a 13-year-old girl with champagne and a sliver of a quaalude tablet and performing various sex acts, including intercourse, with her during a photo shoot at actor Jack Nicholson’s house. He was 43 at the time.”

I am confused about the photo shoot thing. Was she there to be in the photo shoot or was there a photo shoot occurring in general and she just happened to be there? Anyway… I will save the obvious, “Where the hell were here parents?” diatribe for later.

I always wondered about this: who under the age of 25 would want to sleep with a weird 43 year old European guy that wasn’t really that attractive? I guess that is where the drugs come into play. Giving a 13-year-old champagne and part of a lude is the equivalent of Will Ferrell shooting himself in the neck with the tranquilizer gun in “Old School”.

Also the various sex acts statement cracks me up. It says intercourse and then you have to assume some oral but I wouldn’t add them together to say “various”. What else happened? Was there a Cleveland Steamer performed or perhaps a Hot Carl? What constitutes “various sex acts”?

Nicholson was not at home, but his girlfriend at the time, actress Anjelica Huston, was.

According to a probation report contained in the filing, Huston described the victim as “sullen.”

“She appeared to be one of those kind of little chicks between — could be any age up to 25. She did not look like a 13-year-old scared little thing,” Huston said.

I have admitted that I have a horrible time guessing the age of various people. But how the hell do you not just know a 13 year old girl is young and of a questionable age? Getting a 16-18 year old confused with a 21 one year old… sure…. But a 13 year old for a 25 year old? I decided I had to hunt on the internet to find a picture of what she looked like at 13, thankfully CNN provided the victim’s name (Samantha Geimer).

Yeah I can see how they totally fucked that up. Using this scale of age guesstimations means that Megan Fox is 45. Also do you think Polanski sees what she looks like now and wants to take back the whole thing? My question is do you think was destined to be this ugly or did the whole losing your virginity to a weird Hollywood director at age 13 play into it?

Samantha Geimer filed court papers in January saying, “I am no longer a 13-year-old child. I have dealt with the difficulties of being a victim, have surmounted and surpassed them with one exception.

“Every time this case is brought to the attention of the Court, great focus is made of me, my family, my mother and others. That attention is not pleasant to experience and is not worth maintaining over some irrelevant legal nicety, the continuation of the case.”

Oh a focus on your parents, you don’t say? I wonder why that could be? Perhaps letting you attend a photo shoot at Jack Nicholson’s house in the 70s and not being there to supervise might draw the attention of some people. That would be like a kid going over to Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston’s place earlier this decade unsupervised or the Neverland Ranch at anytime during the last 15 years. Who the hell let’s a situation like that happen?

As a parent you pretty much have certain parameters that you need to operate under.

1) Don’t let your kids near unlocked firearms.

2) Don’t let them play with matches.

3) Don’t let them ingest anything that you keep below the sink.

4) Don’t let them go over to Jack Nicholson’s house unsupervised.

So I guess here parents were complete failures or something… Wow this post went entirely too long.

How many sex acts need to occur to be considered “various sex acts”?

This week an Ohio amusement park prepared for their annual Halloween decoration including a celebrity graveyard with the likes of Michael Jackson, Teddy Kennedy, and…

Steve McNair.

Nothing says Halloween like recreating a murder suicide.

Do you think for the Michael Jackson one he had an IV going to his arm and was surrounded by a bunch of little boys?