Last year when Twilight came out I wrote a blog entitled “If you are an adult and excited to see Twilight you are an idiot”. Over the year since that abortion of a film came out things have changed. The world has been taken over by “sexy vampires” in fact I think every show in the CW lineup next year is going to involve different mythical creatures but with the spin that they are hot. I can’t wait to see Heather Locklear get banged by the Loch Ness Monster.

Also the adults… wait when I say adults I should just say lonely women with a gaping void in their life….  Their supporting of Twilight has increased leading to levels of defensiveness that is amazing to me. Here are some of my favorite excuses of why adults are getting sucked into the Twilight series have been:

It is an easy read- So is Clifford the big red dog. It doesn’t make it okay as an adult to have it on your night stand.

Remember just because something is easy doesn’t mean it is right. I had to have that explained to me after taking home a girl that was blacked out drunk at the bar one time in college. Apparently “easy” in that case could potentially double for date rape. So using that logic when you read “New Moon” and the other Twilight books you are date raping your mind… Or something like that.

The book wasn’t as good as the movie; I’m really only a book fan-This is my favorite defense of an adult’s love of the Twilight series. Everyone readily admits the first movie wasn’t the best quality film so they defend the book is something high brow and high quality, which it isn’t.

If I give you a piece of shit to eat and you microwave said piece of shit it is still a piece of shit. Saying that the original piece of shit tastes better is kind of a pointless debate because no matter what you are defending a hot pile of dung.

Let’s say you go see “The Road” which is based off of an award winning book and say that the movie wasn’t as good as the book. That is logical. That is okay because we are talking about a grown up book with adult themes and written for someone with a reading level above one of a tweens.

I’m into the whole vampire thing- Fair enough but why pay attention to crappy Vampire stuff when you can watch something like “True Blood”? Wait you are reading the Twilight series which leads me to think you aren’t smart so you don’t have a good job and thus can’t afford HBO. Sorry.

If you said you were a “True Blood” fan I could understand it is so much better than the Twilight series because:

-People have sex (Abstinence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder)

-Kristen Stewart isn’t anywhere near the series… Worst. Actress. Ever. My right nut has more personality.

-Dakota Fanning isn’t in it. I have clearly determined that Dakota Fanning is an evil robot, we can’t let the evil robots take over the world.

-A gay man is behind it. (I guess in more ways than one.) You see the Twilight series is created by a Mormon woman and really what have the Mormons given us culturally? The Osmonds… Did we ever really need the Osmonds? The Mormons also can’t dress, they have no sense of style, no sense of humor, no personality, and believe in magic underwear.

On the other hand gay people gave us Richard Simmons and Portia de Rossi. They are hilarious, have an amazing sense of fashion, and continually contribute culturally.

Really where would you rather live Utah or Fire Island? Nobody wants to live in Utah.

In summation if you are an adult and excite to see New Moon you are a moron.

We lost a few celebrities this year. One guy that molested children and owned a chimp…  then there was some other people that did some stuff. All of them though couldn’t hold a torch to a man… no a legend… that we lost over the weekend.  (Except maybe Bea Arthur.)

Ken Ober the former host of one of the single greatest TV shows ever on MTV, “Remote Control” died over the weekend.

I’ve professed my love of “Remote Control” before. The show taught me that my encyclopedia like knowledge of pop culture was worth something. My sense of humor was shaped a little bit by the show. Teaching me that apparently sarcasm was funny and it led to Kari Wuhrer sitting next to you.

(Note: Being sarcastic does not lead to Kari Wuhrer sitting next to you in middle school. Just a girl with green boogers in her nose and a kid that you made fun of for shitting himself on the bus in the forth grade.)

Also the show introduced me to Colin Quinn, Adam Sandler, and Dennis Leary.

Half the time I missed out on the double entendre because I was like 10-12 when the show was on but whatever, at least I was learning stuff about “I Love Lucy” and music videos. Ober was the ultimate game show host. He deftly cracked wise, talked to his mother upstairs, and managed a three ring circus of people that routinely showed up half in the bag for every show.

Next to Chuck Berris he was the single greatest game show host of all time.

(Take your Richard Dawson and Bob Barkers and jam them up your ass.)

The Labor Day edition of Remote Control where they did a telethon for gingivitis:

All class… Trying to fight for a disease that doesn’t get talked about enough…. (If only he could have had more time.)

I always secretly hoped that I could host a new version of “Remote Control” or the “Gong Show”. Now I know that isn’t going to happen and I have to just learn to appreciate the genius that was Ken Ober.

Independence Day – 1996

Critical Analysis: A movie star (Will Smith) kills a bunch of CGI aliens and stuff in order to save us from the end of the world as we know it.

Godzilla – 1998

Critical Analysis: A movie star (Matthew Broderick) battles a huge CGI monster and its CGI offspring in order to save us from the end of the world as we know it.

The Patriot – 2000

Critical Analysis: A movie star (Mel Gibson) fights off the evil Red Coats to save Americans from the end of their way of life as they know it.

The Day After Tomorrow – 2004

Critical Analysis: A movie star (Dennis Quaid) attempts to save his movie star son (Jake Gyllenhall) in the midst of a CGI holocaust of effects that signal the end of the world as we know it.

10,000 BC – 2008

Critical Analysis: A bunch of nobodies battle horribly-rendered CGI animals and travels to horribly-rendered CGI locations in a quest that will determine whether life for their tribe will end as they know it.

2012 – 2010

Plot Analysis: A movie star (John Cusack) and his family try to survive a horribly-rendered version of the end of the world as we know it.

Final Analysis: Emmerich’s got some set of balls on him.

You dying does not help me out. That means less traffic, less fame, and me one step further away from making a sex tape with Carrie Prejean entitled, “We All Mistakes: Breast Implants, Sex Tapes, and Screwing Bobby Finstock are all Christian-like”. In order to prevent the slide that could happen I have decided to take matters into my own hands and copy the strategy of Saturday Night Live and the Country Music Awards to attract a younger audience…. More Taylor Swift.

Now I know some of us older folks are sitting there saying, “Why not Miley Cyrus?” I thought she was the teenage girl of the moment. Oh it couldn’t be further from the truth there are three simple reasons why Taylor Swift is the way to go:

1) She has better teeth.

2) Her father isn’t Billy Ray Cyrus.

3) Taylor Swift shits unicorn tears mixed with fairy dust and baby laughter. While Miley is a bratty Disney stooge that will be pregnant before she is twenty and will be yet another cautionary tale of why we don’t let rednecks get famous. (See the Spears family.)

So from here on out each blog post will have a gratuitous Taylor Swift mention and picture. Perhaps even throwing in a video a week.

Additionally there will be other changes.

1) More Boy Talk- Who ‘s hot and who’s not? Who is your weekly crush object? You can’t say the werewolf from Twilight because he is mine.

2) Increased news about “sexy vampires”- Between True Blood, Twilight, a new movie that I have zero desire to see, and a show on a network that I didn’t know existed except for it having three-way sex on the Gossip Girl. Nobody is sick of the sexy vampire thing… Hot? You bet. Brooding? Of course. Mysterious? No doubt. Logical stories and a replacement for all your failed relationships? YES!

3) Sparkles. Lots and lots of sparkles.

What is your level of excitement when it comes to these changes?

The philosophy of “snitches get stitches” has been hard wired into urban society for years. Music, movies, and television (check out “the Wire”) all have basically enforced the “snitches get stitches” logic. Instead of don’t rat people out it has turned into there will be repercussions if you rat someone out. Or as someone on Springer would say, “cut a bitch”.

Now normally I can go along with this idea. Sometimes problems are best handled within a group of people, two events over the last month kind of shattered that but I wouldn’t blame the “snitches get stitches” logic.

Event 1: In Florida a group of teens doused a kid with rubbing alcohol and lit him on fire after he told the police one of the kids stole his father’s bike. Apparently they stole the bike after the kid did not pay them $40 for a video game. I guess they never watched “A Bronx Tale” :

Colagero: This guy Louie Dumps over here, you know, he owes me twenty dollars. It’s been two weeks now, and every time he sees me, he keeps dodging me. He’s becoming a real pain in the ass, should I crack him one or what?

Sonny: What have I been telling you, sometimes hurting someone ain’t the answer. First of all, is he a friend of yours?

Colagero: No, I don’t even like him.

Sonny: You don’t even like him. There’s your answer right there. Look at it this way, it cost you twenty dollars to get rid of him. Right? He’s never gonna bother you again. He’s never gonna ask you for money again. He’s out of your life for 20 dollars. You got off cheap. Forget about it.

(The new going rate for owing someone twenty dollars is no longer a beating. It is burns on thirty percent of your body. So if you owe forty that is sixty percent, plus another five for good measure. So I guess for Madoff they are going to shove a flamethrower up his ass about 1,000 times in a row.)

Event 2: A girl in California was raped by 16 fellow students outside of a school dance all while other students watched, nobody attempted to stop what was happening or call the police. The police were notified after the news and pictures were circulated through the area via text message. The girl that finally called police was interviewed by CNN and said that snitching was looked down upon where she lived but she felt like it was the right thing to do. You should have seen what she was wearing. (I hate rape logic.)

People were quick to blame the whole “anti-snitching” movement on this but I disagree. I think it has to do more with teenagers getting everything they want, when they want it, and not understanding moderation.

When I was growing up we didn’t douse kids with rubbing alcohol or attempt to recreate the ear-cutting scene in “Reservoir Dogs”. No we walked to school through two miles of snow after watching one of the four TV channels we had, waited until gym class where we would give a kid a few wedgies mixed with a couple of kidney punches then call it a day.  The punishment fit the crime.

And as far as gang rape went… Uh… I think that was really saved for the football team in the shower doing something nasty to a freshmen or the semi retarded team manager like in the movie “Radio”. (That was the plot of the movie wasn’t it? Never saw it.) I don’t think I can say the punishment fit the crime… uh… maybe I should move on.

The point I am trying to make is that we don’t need kids to tell on everyone or that they shouldn’t learn that keeping their mouth shut is sometimes the best for them and society. Instead they need to learn moderation and the only one that can do that is parents. So the next time you catch a kid smoking make sure you make them attempt to smoke and entire box of cigars. If they get in trouble lock them in a closet for a weekend or beat them with wire hangers.

Wait a second…

Don’t believe me, well consider the totally scientific evidence:

1.  In earlier times, African American men could never aspire to the heights of serial killerdom.  Go ahead, name three African American serial killers.  Can’t do it, can you.  That’s because the elitist White Man reserved this most heinous of crimes for himself, guarding it jealously.  The inherent self-esteem issues caused by years of racial bigotry meant that no African American male would have dreamt that someday he too could slay a dozen hookers and hide their bodies in a crawlspace.  The Anthony Sowell case smashes this long-held relic from the Jim Crow days and promises to ring in a new era where all men, black and white alike, are free to chop women to bits and store them in freezers, basements and makeshift crypts.

Anthony Sowell: The Rosa Parks of Serial Killers

2.  The very fact that Sowell could get away with killing 10 people serial style represents a huge leap forward in terms of the relationship between African Americans and law enforcement.  Time was when only pasty white dudes could go undetected as they slaughtered and cannibalized their way through a community.  20 years ago Sowell would have been locked up years earlier for some serious infraction such as a broken tail light or dating a white woman.  Certainly he never would have made it out of jail after his first rape conviction.  Point is: finally, FINALLY, law enforcement has evened the playing field.

So even as we mark this dark deed, it’s a bright day indeed for America.  First a black president, and now a black serial killer.  “Free at last, free at last, thank God almighty, we are free at last.”

For those of you who don’t know what erotic fan fiction is … well basically it is poorly written stories penned by disturbed social misfits where they have characters from books, movies, and television get it on. If you ever wanted to read about a Harry Potter threesome with Hermione getting railed from both ends by that Giant dude and Hans from “Die Hard” well you can find it on the interwebs.

So today I would like to unveil my new story, well the start of it anyway.

“Gonzo fucks the Olsen Twins”

It was a dark and stormy night in Manhattan, one where you could taste the pain and despair of the city on your tongue. Two young waifs walk down an alley looking to drown the pressures of fame with some cheap bourbon and some even cheaper thrills. The clicks of their heels echo through the alleyway, finally the sound stops as they reach an unmarked door.

“Is this it?” Mary Kate purrs with excitement.

Ashley quickly slaps her sister across the face, “I don’t know, I haven’t been here before you fucking idiot. Christ, the shit I have to do to get you laid you worthless piece of crap.”

Mary Kate’s eyes well up but she swallows hard and pulls herself together. She quietly thinks to herself that this probably won’t be the first time she is going to be swallowing hard this evening. A sense of anticipation and glee overtake her, she is turned on, partly from the flesh of her sister hitting her and partly from what is about to come.

The two women push the door and walk into a dimly lit bar. This place isn’t one that you would take your family or even your worst enemy. Throughout the bar you see people that have lived a hard life full of broken dreams, misspent youth, and times in the hoosegow. Both women walk through the bar slowly, checking out the patrons but avoiding eye contact.

Finally they stop in the corner at a booth occupied by a lone individual. His face and body is obscured by the shadows but one can still make out one appendage, his large and crooked nose.

Mary Kate looks into the booth, “I hear you like to party.”

Gonzo leans forward, “What are you guys into?”

“I’d like to snort coke off your nose,” Mary Kate whispers while Ashley takes a step forward and stumbles into the booth, her face almost in Gonzo’s crotch.

“And I’d like to snort a combination of Adderall and diet pills off of your… wait is it as crooked as your nose?”

That is all I have for now… I really think I am onto something.

What pair of fictional characters would you like to see/not see bang?

I have to say I completely love the entire Balloon Boy thing and I hope his dad doesn’t go to jail. There aren’t enough hoaxes pulled off anymore. Saying that whatever celebrity, one that is probably either slightly washed up or unheard from for a while, is dead doesn’t constitute a hoax. However faking your son’s disappearance coupled with an exciting balloon chase totally kicks ass.

Everyone is piling on the guy because of his blatant attempt to use this to gain a reality show yet we celebrate Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian for flashing their beavers and taping their sexual escapades with people that most girls hammered in a bar wouldn’t let touch them. At least this guy did it with some gusto and the threat of the death of a preschooler. That takes talent, working a video camera and acting like a whore doesn’t.

Actually I think the whore path to fame has totally worn out. America has grown tired of these antics and really craves for something pure. So we have turned to children, which has led to Octomom, Jon and Kate, and Balloon Boy. (So much for pureness.)

Now that I can’t fuck my way into the spotlight and the fact that kids take too long to develop I need to think about what is coming next and how to become the leader in that category. I know being a complete idiot and walking around with an extra chromosome while looking for a date is cool (see any VH-1 show) that won’t last long either. So I have to figure out how I can land a reality show:

1) Exploitation of animals- I have decided to wear an all kitten coat this winter. The kicker is that the kittens won’t be dead; they will just be attached to the coat. People will pet them and feed them… There might be an issue with feces but what the hell you can’t smell through a television. Each week I could find a new way to exploit an animal for personal attention… I can’t wait for Rhino week.

2) Race baiting- We are supposed to be living in a “post racial America” but anyone that has turned on cable news or watched five minutes of a tea party video knows that is far from the case. “Our use of the term coon is totally humorous.”

So why don’t I try to recreate the movie “Soul Man” and use it to prove that we don’t live in a post racial society? What is that I smell? An Emmy in the reality category or maybe that is the potential cross burning on my lawn?

3) Drug Trafficker- For some reason when people do something on reality television the law doesn’t apply to them. How many times have we witnessed someone driving drunk, punching, and other things where the people have no repercussions? So why can’t we do something super illegal and film it the entire time with the logic that we are taping a reality show? Murder for hire? Drug Mule? Prostitute? Wall Street CEO… The possibilities are endless.

Personally I am a big fan of the drug mule one. When I am at the border and the drug dogs are going ape shit I can just explain that the 75 condoms that I swallowed full of H is for a reality show. Genius? I think so.

So now that whores and children are out of the picture as a way to become a reality star what is next?

My personal policy has been to just buy the cheapest thing possible and get the hell out of their way. They feel happy because they pushed some crappy stuff on me and I feel okay because I boosted their spirits so that they can be told “no” for the next two hours.

This was a pretty harmonious balance until Saturday when it all got messed up.

The Boy Scouts have deployed a new technique that I don’t approve of but it totally work… Yup, you guessed it, station the one MILF out of the entire group of parents to work with the boys.

On Saturday I went to the supermarket to pick up a few things so I could stay glued to the couch for the remainder of the weekend convalescing. After grabbing what I needed and breezing through the self checkout line I was giddy that I was going to get home to watch the start of college football when I was approached by two kids. In fact that kids didn’t really say anything, they just kind of stood there and looked awkward while the MILF came in and started pitching me popcorn.

Her slightly unbuttoned shirt and rosy demeanor wasn’t something I was expecting or prepared for. In fact it was overwhelming. Within two minutes I was buying $25 worth of microwave popcorn that I could probably buy in a supermarket for under $10.

As one of the snot filled kids handed me the box, probably giving me H1N1 I stumbled out of the store not knowing what hit me. With each step I took to the car I grew more and more upset. The kids didn’t sell me or even ASK me to buy anything it was the MILF and she was using stripper-selling techniques.

Stripper selling techniques 101

1) Shove tits in face

2) Smile

3) Talk in a sexy voice

4) Get guy to buy you anything you want

How did I fall for this? How was I blinded to what was going on? It boiled down to the fact that her breasts were utterly fantastic and they were deployed in an area where I wasn’t expecting them. In a strip club you can resist the stripper selling techniques, in a bar with some trashy girls you can as well, Vegas… sure. You expect cleavage to be shoved at you. Outside of a supermarket on a Saturday morning… well that is just a sneak attack.

So Boy Scouts of America I have to say it is on. Next time a scout comes to my door to sell me anything I am pissing on them from the second floor. That is of course unless you send a MILF out with them. Bastards.

First of all there were more women at the event than men (10 men vs. 14 women), which I guess was good for me especially when you break down the women.

4 of the 14- In Roman times these four women would have been tossed off a cliff so they didn’t weaken the gene pool.

2 of the 14- I call this the “I wear horribly inappropriate clothing for my body type” group. We come in all shapes and sizes, I am far from slim and far from morbidly obese but I recognize what I can and can’t wear clothing wise. When your cleavage and fat roll combine together to make a breastgut, which you show off by wearing the tightest shirt possible than you need an intervention

4 of the 14- Dateable, attractive, and I would go on a real date with them.

4 of the 14- The other four are severely lacking a personality and probably are owners of multiple cats.

4 out of 14 isn’t horrible I guess. I should also point out that 2 out of 14 were psychiatrists. I am not sure what that tells you about that field of study. On the flip side this is what I was up against. (Not including myself.) Now mind you this is just based off of looks, I didn’t actually talk to any of the guys.

2 out of 10- Two of the guys were pretty well put together. Groomed and dressed decently. You can tell they showered, which can’t be understated.

1 out of 10- A guy wearing a Cosby sweater.

1 out of 10- The event was for people 29-39. There is no way this guy was under 45. In fact he looked like the dad from “Just the Ten of Us”.

1 out of 10- Shaved head, goatee, and an arm sleeve of tats, the bad boy of the group. He had a ton of attention before the event started from the ladies that were there early. Women love guys that potentially suffer from hepatitis, it is just a fact.

4 out of 10- I am going to just assume that they were virgins.

The format was that each person would go on a ten minute “date”. Guys would rotate through table by table while the women stayed stationary. Each person was given a sheet where they wrote down notes and had a check box if they wanted to go out with that person. Each party involved protected these sheets like nuclear launch codes. I wish I could say that each date was memorable and interesting but it was far from the case. Here are some of the highlights.

-“The Party of No”- Occasionally you could sneak a look at the other person’s sheet. I caught one sheet by someone that fell into the cat group. She had met with seven guys so far and gave them all a no. This really made me think a couple of things. First thing is: how bad were those other seven guys? The second thing is what the hell were her criteria? Did she realize she is on the path to dying completely and utterly alone? Did she think her cats would not like the guy?

-“Miss Overly Enthusiastic” There is nothing worse than fake enthusiasm. When you play up the fake enthusiasm to a super level that is blended with desperation and the smell of someone’s ovaries drying up it is frightening. Personally I want women to be completely aloof and not interested in anything over someone that is interested anything I say or put in front of her.

(This is what the conversation sounded like in my head.)

Me: So I made toast this morning.

Her: TOAST is the single greatest thing ever!!!!! What did you put on it? Please say grape jelly, please say grape jelly… Do you think our kids will like grape jelly? Please fill me with your seed.

-“You don’t mind if I eat?” The weirdest moment came when one of my dates had a plate of food delivered to her, which she promptly destroyed right in front of me. Is there anything more attractive than watching someone knock back a baked potato like they have been stranded on an island for a decade? She couldn’t wait an extra half hour to eat? This has to be some sort of violation of speed dating protocol. Can someone dig up Miss Manners and ask her?

-“Shelly Duval” One of the last few “dates” that I had was with a woman that looked like Shelly Duval. All I could think about was “The Shining” which led me to think about those creepy little girls. It freaked me the fuck out.

In the end on my little sheet I checked that I would like to be set up with three of the people. They have to check on their sheet that they are interested in me in return in order to be set up on a “date”. I don’t know if I really would want to go out with any of them and the checkmarks are more to feed my ego and see if I was right by picking them. Of course if none of the three checked their boxes and I am told nobody is interested in me I won’t leave the house for the year and will probably urinate it various bottles that I will store in my pantry.

Have you, would you, or could you ever do speed dating?