Relationships…wait…I shouldn’t even say relationships…how about just “women”? Women were pretty disposable to me. Not because I thought I was better than them, or that I had the dick supreme (is that on the value menu at Taco Bell?), but because I wanted to screw with impunity to make up for lost time/missed opportunities. And that’s what I did.

After a certain point, though, I felt that being a male whore wasn’t right and I should enter into “relationships,” albeit with ones that I wrote the rules for. You know, rules like:

-Rule number 57: I can sleep with whomever I want and you shall not know about it but don’t even think about talking to a cute boy because I will go apeshit.

-Rule number 3: The desires of my penis outweigh anything logical or emotional.

In other words, I was a guy that was 20 years old.

I am totally going to have sex with you and forget that you existed.

I started dating a girl back home in Western, NY when I was back for one summer. “Beth” was just out of high school and getting ready to go to college in Rochester. I had just finished my sophomore year at Albany and was preparing to move into a house with two girls, one that just so happened to be my ex-girlfriend. “Beth” was loyal, caring, and overall a pretty cool chick, which meant that I could totally run over her and get away with it. (Meanwhile if she was demanding, high-maintenance, and a total bitch, I probably would have bent over backwards for her at that time in my life.)

Originally I was pretty loyal to Beth, driving back and forth to visit her in Rochester when I was going to school in Albany. For the most part things were going well, except for a few rare instances of me being a dick. You know, like wanting to drive to Buffalo at two o’clock in the morning while shitfaced because the bars were open for another two hours. (She cried and jumped on my hood so I wouldn’t go.) Or having her pick me up at a golf tournament where I had finished the tournament in my boxers. Then there was me convincing her to let me stick it in her poop shoot because she was on the rag and I was horny. (I did drive three hours to visit her… so that makes it okay right? ) You know, really sweet things that women appreciate.

All of that, though, paled in comparison to what I did one night over the winter. I had come back one weekend  when her school was on break. Beth had invited two friends over that she went to gigh school with, Lisa and Kristie. Lisa dated one of my friends over the previous summer and for the most part was a relatively quiet girl; Kristie was a girl that I had art class with in high school. We had a weird flirty relationship but nothing had ever, would ever, or will ever happen (she has ended up well out of my league at this point in life, albeit severely emotionally damaged). It was just an odd situation – there was some sort of attraction there but she was a train wreck and I was dating her best friend…oh, and I was a complete asshole. Along with her two friends, my friend John came up to visit from his college and we all planned to play some drinking games and hang out.

As the night progressed, we all got pretty sloppy. Asshole turned into circle of death…circle of death turned into truth or dare. Truth or dare turned into Kristie and Beth making out on the couch. When this happened, my friend John gave me a look as to say, “Holy shit this is really going to happen tonight with the three of you.” I returned the look with nod; I was on a mission to get Kristie naked and in a bed with Beth. At the time it sounded like a reasonable goal but looking back it is about as realistic as clean coal.

For some reason the drinking games stopped and the girls wanted to watch something lame on television. John and I went into another room to watch the beginning of “Full Metal Jacket.” (Note I said beginning, because nobody wants to watch the whole thing.) Beth and Kristie came into the room about half an hour later talking about something that involved Kristie kissing me. Beth told her that she knew she always wanted to and that we should just get it out of the way this once. I was sitting on the floor and Kristie had to semi-straddle me to give me a kiss. Beth was a little upset and stormed off. As Kristie laughed and left, John and I did a fist bump. Everything was coming together without me even doing anything, except getting shitfaced and watching a  movie with a racist drill instructor.

Another half hour passes and Kristie came by the room we were watching the movie in to tell us that she was going to bed. She lingered by the door for a minute and walked into the room. I looked over at John, and he just nodded at me, because we both knew what that statement and linger meant. It came off as an invitation, opportunity, and a very calculated risk. (Wait… I could barely speak, I couldn’t calculate shit.)

What was I to do?

So many people

Fast forward to early morning March 18th, I am waking up in a strange apartment naked with a girl next to me. Of course I am still drunk but I think that I may have had the greatest sexual performance of my life the previous night. Well since I was really drunk it might have been horribly awful but in my mind it is the greatest performance of my life. The question is how did I get there?

On one St Patrick’s Day back when I was living in Geneseo I tested out my theory of drinking about halfway through the day to tolerate St Patrick’s Day. I believe it was on a Friday that year and I taken the day off of work to insure that I was going to have the maximum amount of fun. My friends and I started drinking early. One of my friends Jay told me about a girl that was in his biology lab class that I should meet, her name was Jamie. Jay said it just so happened that she was going to be out at our favorite bar that night. He talked Jamie up and said she was a major lush like I was so we would hit it off. (Apparently he knew what I liked.)

Jamie did show up at the bar after going to a party around what I am estimating was 11pm. So conservatively speaking I had been drinking for close to 7-8 hours at that point and was pretty plastered. Jay introduced us and Jamie was equally inebriated. The girl was pretty good looking (at least in my drunken stupor she was) and lots of fun, I was instantly attracted to her so I needed to make a pretty good first impression.

So what did I do to impress her? What did I do to land her bed and have it  lead to this virtuoso performance later that night? Well we talked for a while but I couldn’t tell you one single sentence that was said between us. All I remember are the following events:

-Recreating the dance to “Shout” from Animal House including lying on a beer soaked barroom floor doing the alligator.
-Singing a song on one knee to her while punching my friend who was trying to tell me to stop.
-I may or may not have ripped off the t-shirt under my dress shirt Hulk Hogan style.

Those are the only things that I remember about that night except for one other little tidbit. When we got back to Jamie’s place she said that we both smelled the like the bar and should take a shower together. We did just that and Jamie decided that she needed to shave her no no touchy spot right in front of me in the shower. All I could say when she did that was, “That is so Porn Star.”

The next morning I snuck out of there hung over. Mostly because I knew I had to go get sick because of the amount of alcohol I ingested that night. I ran into Jamie two weeks later at the bar with both of us pretty drunk and we recreated the magic from St. Patrick’s Day except this time at my apartment. (She stayed and snuck out after I left for work.) It happened again two weeks later back at her place with me leaving to go golfing early in the morning. We never exchanged numbers, we never had a conversation sober, we never looked at each other sober and we never had a fight. Plus I am pretty sure we don’t even know each others last names. (Classy, huh?) I would like to consider it my most successful relationship ever. I didn’t screw up even once. Okay except for maybe the Hulk Hogan t-shirt rip.

The Moral of a Story- Drink early on St. Patrick’s Day and don’t try to turn a certain kind of relationship into something it isn’t.

What was your favorite St. Patrick’s Day ever?

A few years back one of my best friends got married, well thankfully he got married because that was in high doubt after his bachelor party… but that is another story for another day. In his wedding party was my entire group of friends that lived with me in Geneseo, so we all decided to go stag to the event to maximize the optimum fun, plus none of us wanted to deal with our girlfriends that weekend.

The wedding went smoothly and it was a nice ceremony which took place an hour away from us in Buffalo. After the ceremony there was like a three hour gap before pictures and the reception, it was decided the best course of action was to get totally and utterly ripped with half of the bridal party at a dive bar near the reception. This stellar idea led to the following things:

-A drunken wedding toast- I remember starting it out with the Gettysburg Address and just going from there… I had to have sounded like Paula Abdul, well just the slurred speech not the annoying voice.

-Kevin Inappropriate Moment 1- Me taking the bride’s hot and very married sister to the other wedding reception in the building and dirty dancing with her to “Let’s Get it On” with a crowd of people around us cheering us on. They actually asked us to stay at their reception and ended up buying us shots at their bar, I didn’t need the shots really because it led to…..

-Kevin Inappropriate Moment 2- The bride’s cousin mounted me in the very open dj booth while I was requesting a song and proceeded to make out with me which was caught on video tape to be preserved throughout time. I am really just counting down the days until that bad boy is put up on youtube.

Now instead of staying at the reception and going out in Buffalo that night, basically with all of us being able to hook up we get the bright idea to drive back to Geneseo to go out to our favorite bar. Do this day I can’t figure out the logic behind it, I think we figured that we would roll like the rat pack because we were wearing our tuxedos.

When we arrived in Geneseo I apparently called my girlfriend and told her to meet me back at my place for some late night lovin’, at the time she wasn’t 21 yet so she couldn’t get into the bars so I was still free to make mistakes with girls that had a totally casual moral attitude. While at the bar I think I talked a ridiculous amount of shit to every female in there, I was wearing a tux so I felt like a pimp. Apparently during this time I invited a certain young lady to my house, who had been there before when I was single, which led to:

-Kevin Inappropriate Moment 3- My girlfriend was in my bed waiting for me when we returned from the bar, at that point I drunkly mauled her or made sweet romantic love, depending on whose point of view you want to take. As soon as our romantic interlude was over my drunken invite opened my bedroom door which led to multiple, “Who the fuck is she” questions. Needless to say things didn’t end well, the rest of the night including jewelry tossing and a lot of swearing with me trying to pass out.

Lesson learned: Sometimes you really do want to stay in Buffalo…

Do you guys have any great stories in wedding hook up history?

NOTE: I posted this as a bulletin the other day but I figured I would put it in here, I got into grad school on Thursday to the first place I applied to. Hopefully I will have some choices once the application process is completed but I just wanted to share that with you guys.