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What if I had an addiction, how would it go down?

Published by Kevin on March 31, 2008 in Things I Think About. 1 Comment

(Sorry if you are getting this post again, I moved setups and encountered an error losing all the comments to this post.)

I was thinking the other day about people that have eating disorders and how it must suck if they didn’t end up being really thin. Personally I believe that anything worth doing is worth doing right, well except spelling and grammar. Would there be anything worse than throwing up after every meal and still being severely overweight?

If I had an eating disorder and wasn’t really thin I would be super pissed. I would probably go jogging with like thirty garbage bags on me when it is 95 degrees out or something like that. So this got me thinking if I had other addictions, disorders, or other issues how I would want things to go down.

Alcoholism- If I was going to be a hardcore lush (noticed I said hardcore because I think I was a regular one for awhile), I would have to be like Nick Cage in “Leaving Las Vegas”. It looks like he had fun drinking himself to death and hooking up with a hooker for the entire month, so much better than like Mickey Rourke in well… anything.

Drug Addict- See this is a little dicey because I don’t want to blow a guy for crack money, that isn’t the way I would see things going down. Also I don’t want to hustle like Bubbles on “The Wire”, you know like stealing metal to sell as scrap or stuff like that. So the only thing left would be the out of control stripper that stays up for like four days on end doing drugs and dancing in one giant cycle. Eventually I would have to hit rock bottom and sell a relatives’ television or something.

Cutter- I think I would have to have a Hello Kitty lunchbox to keep my shit in. I don’t know why but is just sounds appropriate.

Kleptomaniac- Basically I would want to cross-dress as a pregnant lady and smuggle random items into my stomach like on the “Been Caught Stealing” video by Jane’s Addiction. Also if I was going to nab stuff I would make sure to always grab Oreo Double Stuff cookies, I don’t know if there would be anything more rewarding than sitting down at the end of the day after stealing a ton of shit and having some double stuff action.

Ok I am off to buy some stripper heels, ten bottles of vodka, a hello kitty lunchbox, and some maternity clothing.

If you had a severe addiction or mental health problem how would you want it to go down?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com

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If A Story Involves a Nipple the Person Needs to Be Hot

Published by Kevin on March 28, 2008 in News. 33 Comments

This morning I was sent a story on MySpace about a woman that was forced to remove her nipple ring by the TSA at the airport. I read the story but there wasn’t a picture, so my mind was aflutter of a naughty twenty-year-old girl upset that she had to remove her nip rings. I was all ready to write about how this ladies nipple did not pose a national security threat and by god I was going to volunteer to inspect them. Of course I was going to ignore how over the top it was or the violation of privacy, we are talking about breasts here not humans rights.

I had jokes lined up about nipple rings and stories about girls that I have dated that have had them. I was even going to throw a Janet Jackson reference in there for good measure. This was going to be a rip-roaring blog with tons of nipple references and me salivating over them like a 13-year-old boy. Sounds like fun right?

Well I ended up going to CNN.com and read the story on there which had a picture of the lady and my world came crashing in on me, she wasn’t young and hot:

nipple ring lady

That totally took the wind out of my sails, I almost openly wept over this. It was so disappointing; I want my sexual harassment stories to involve women that will eventually pose in Playboy in order to keep the story in the national spotlight well longer than it needs to be.

I have several preconceived notions when I read titles of news stories and if they aren’t met it really upsets me. Anything involving an airline and inappropriate sexual behavior has to involved women under the age of 25 that are hot. If something involves a serial killer it must be about a guy in his late 30s or early 40s that is white and looks like a dude that works at Kinko’s that isn’t allowed to talk to customers.

Here are a couple other expectations I have:

-If the story involves a drug kingpin I expect the guy to look like the Fratelli brother they break out of jail in the beginning of Goonies. I don’t know why I just do.

fratellis

-If someone finds something that looks gross in their food like a finger or large amounts of pubic hair I expect them to look like the maid from Will and Grace.

-Any other crime that is written about I automatically assume that it is a black person with a bandana on his head.

In my mind Tupac is responsible for every major crime over the last 20 years.

(I’m kidding, I blame ODB.

odb

Neither are really dead, just committing a massive crime wave.

So this blog was supposed to be about a hot girl with nipple rings and ended up with ODB between a woman’s thighs. I have no idea how we got there.

Shouldn’t a story about nipple rings involve someone hot?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com

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I Hate Hearing Lottery Stories

Published by Kevin on March 27, 2008 in News. 19 Comments

You would think a really heart warming and feel good story is a lottery story, where some person randomly won enough money to set them up for the rest of their lives. However that is one story type that makes me cringe. Personally next to engagement stories a lottery story is the worst story you can hear. First of all I freely admit I would be a total prick if I won the lottery, which is probably why I never will. (Ignoring the massive mathematical odds against me and the fact that I never purchase any tickets, my karma is really what is holding me back.)

Like this story that was on Good Morning America about a Welsh winner of the lottery that promptly returned to work at McDonald’s because he was bored. He said there was only so much relaxing one person could do and wanted to return to work with his friends. In the story they talk about a group of lunch ladies that won over 90 million dollars in a power ball lottery and most returned to work.

Now I get that you would get bored, I couldn’t just sit at home and do nothing everyday just because I didn’t have to work. But why would you return to your old regular job. Wouldn’t you maybe purchase a McDonald’s? Or maybe open up a bar or something? I covered the five things I would buy if I became disgustingly rich before and I still stand by that list.

So what am I getting at? I want to hear this interview just once in my life when someone wins the lottery.

(at a crazy lavish party with John a young lottery winner)

ABC News: So John you just won thirty million dollars what are you going to do with all that money?

John: Well I got it all up front and I am you know just having fun with it. I really can’t say much more than that.

ABC News: You have been lavishly spending your money ever since you won, an exhibition game against the New York Knicks, multiple massive parties, heck… you even have rented out the most expensive hotel in New York and are remodeling it. Why are you spending your money so freely?

John: (giggling) I can’t really say, you know… I just like to have fun.

ABC News: One might say you are needlessly recreating the movie Brewster’s Millions for the heck of it.

John: What is Brewster’s Millions?

ABC News: It is a movie where a man gets thirty million dollars and has to spend it in a month in order to receive an even larger amount of money.

John: (turns to his friend) Wait, that was a movie? So I am not really going to turn this into $300 million by spending it all in a month? You told me that this was a typical thing for millionaires? I have like $1,500 left… You son of a …

(camera cuts out as John kills his friend)

Now that is a lottery story I want to hear.

Where do you stand on lottery stories?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com

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I Have to Admit I Don’t Like Courtney Cox

Published by Kevin on March 26, 2008 in Celebrities. 57 Comments

I was watching The Riches last night on FX and there was a preview for this week’s Dirt on it. My skin started to break out in hives and I began to hyperventilate because I had to look at Courtney Cox. There isn’t an actor or actress alive that I dislike more, well except maybe Wilmer Valderrama but that is because he defiles every young starlet in Hollywood.

Now people that are fans of Friends always get a little defensive when I express my dislike of her. So let me lay out my case.

1) Friends was one of the most overrated shows in the history of television- The show was only really funny when Chandler and Joey were heavily involved. Plus it didn’t gain traction until it was forced upon Seinfeld fans. After Seinfeld went off the air Friends relied on a ridiculous amount of “stunt casting” to remain important, every new minor character introduced was a star or a fading star from Tom Selleck to Reese Witherspoon. The only show worse at doing that was Will and Grace. Nothing smacks of desperation like stunt casting or my friend Aaron asking us to go to a strip club and saying he would pay for our lap dances because he was so lonely.

Before you get all defensive Friends fans put the best ten episodes of Friends up against the best ten episodes of Seinfeld, Cheers, Curb Your Enthusiasm, All in the Family, The Simpsons, South Park, or the Cosby Show and it just doesn’t hold up.

2) Like I said Friends was overrated and Monica was the most annoying character on the show- Monica embodied everything I wouldn’t want in a woman: bossy, neurotic, anal, annoying, uptight, bitchy, whiney, and just the fact that her voice is grating. Because I don’t have the mental capacity to separate people from their TV character I imagine that she is somewhat like that in real life.

Just like I think Leo DiCaprio is mentally disabled from his role in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, that isn’t exactly a bad thing. When he does well in a movie I sit there and think, “Not bad for a retarded kid.”

And speaking of the retarded…

3) She married David Arquette- Every time I see him interviewed I just sit there and think how stupid he is. For some reason I get the impression that he is a guy that touchs things with his hand and then licks his hand to see what that thing taste likes.

david arquette

“Court this door handle tastes icky.”

“Honey, you aren’t supposed to lick your hand after touching a door handle.”

I have a feeling that conversation happens once a week in their home.

4) Her career choices have sucked- She has 47 credits on IMDB.com and out of those 47, only five of those are worth watching. Basically every one out of ten things she is in is worth watching, that is a lower percentage than Sinbad.

5) There is something really plastic about her-

Here she is in the Bruce Springsteen Video “Dancing in the Dark”

courtney cox dancing in the dark

Here she is now…

courtney cox

She just looks plastic. There is something not natural about her face, maybe it is the sucked out cheeks from years of puking up everything she eats.
I don’t know what it is, I can’t put my finger on it but I just don’t like it.

I really don’t have an ending to this. I mean I could say let’s round up a posse and lynch her but that wouldn’t be appropriate. Wait since when have I ever been appropriate, time to take this bitch down.

Am I right on this or totally wrong?

This is going up on Humor-blogs.com even though it is only partially funny

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Who is the next Internet Icon? Chuck Norris jokes are dead

Published by Kevin on March 25, 2008 in Celebrities. 53 Comments

I’m sick of how the internet has built up Chuck Norris and random other pop culture references without my permission. If you have been surfing around Rick Astley has really been gaining momentum over the last year.

rick astley chart

Personally I think we need to have a voice and determine the next arcane reference to become hot. Here are some people I would like to put up for your consideration.

sam the butcher

Sam the Butcher from the Brady Bunch

Positives: The Beastie Boys immortalized him with the lyric “like Sam the Butcher bringing Alice the meat”, in the song “Shake Your Rump”. This could possibly be a big boost to the butcher profession, which has been dying out. We could run the euphuism of meat = your junk into the ground.

Negatives: He is dead in real life, so um… no random pop culture appearances. Also I don’t know if the young ones have watched as many Brady Bunch shows as my generation.

cledus snow

Cledus Snow from Smokey and the Bandit

Positives: He was a country singer and has songs we can include in referencing him. He has some pretty quotable lines in the movie and in the third installment he actually plays the bandit. Also he had a basset hound name Fred in the movie, basset hounds are just funny.

Negatives: A pretty old reference and it involves country music, which is never a good thing.

buddy lembeck

Buddy Lembeck from Charles in Charge

Positives: The loveable but idiotic friend of Charles. He has retained some pop culture cache by appearing on some reality TV shows. Plus he is ultra Christian now, which makes it even more fun to make inappropriate comments about him and Nicole Eggert having forced sex or him drugging her.

Negatives: The Christian thing is a double-edged sword; we could all end up in hell.

bj mckay

BJ McKay from B.J. and the Bear

Positives: A monkey is way cooler than a basset hound. The theme song from the show makes most people go into convulsions and swallow their tongue.

Negatives: Two truck drivers enter, one truck driver leaves. I think they negate each other and this show is way too random of a reference. But the power of Greg Evigan should never be debated.

rocky iv

Dolph Lundgren

Positives: Action star with a ton of shitty movies under his belt. Should have won the Oscar for Rocky IV, where he played the husband to Brigitte Neilsen who is one Amazon like bitch. Also I saw him at the LA Airport, so it makes my picture worth something.

Negatives: We already have had an action star get a run with this.

mindy cohn

Natalie Letisha Sage Green from the Facts of Life

Positives: We haven’t had a web popular female and she could be a groundbreaker, like if Hillary gets elected President. Wait she won’t get elected she will just destroy the electability of current front-runner by slinging mud. Anyways, she is also a little round and shows that you don’t have to be a muscular/or slightly gay man in order to be a pop culture reference.

Negatives: I don’t know how you can go with Natalie when Blair also makes a strong case… And we can’t forget Tootie… Plus you know George Clooney would get on the band wagon and say how much he was on the show, I need a little less Clooney in my life.

Would you like to nominate anyone to be the next pop culture icon? What do you think about the people nominated so far?

This is going up at humor-blogs.com

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5 Important Lessons I Learned Over the Weekend

Published by Kevin on March 24, 2008 in Wisdom. 32 Comments

These are the lessons I learned while going out drinking for my birthday on Saturday night.

1) There is a bar in Boston with really tall urinals- I’m not exactly a short guy as I stand 6ft tall but this Saturday night I ran into a set of urinals that was like almost even with my junk. Of course I was hammered when using said urinals so maybe I was kneeling to take a piss.

2) If you think the urinals are short it isn’t a conversation that you need to try to strike up in the men’s room- I broke the guy code and started talking to people when they were urinating. Bad form… I know. But the urinal size was really bothering me. Of course I got no reaction from anyone in the bathroom except for a couple of looks that basically said, “If you keep talking I am going to kill you.”

3) Tesla’s cover of “Signs” sounds so much better when you are hammered- There was a cover band at the bar we were at playing various songs from the last fifteen years. The combination of booze and the band’s ability made a lot of crappy songs palatable, you know when they played things by “Third Eye Blind” or “Creed”. Of course nothing was better than their rendition of “Signs” it was so good that I felt like I needed to sing along… Damn you alcohol.

Ronnie James Dio

4) When you see an old guy that looks like Ronnie James nobody under the age of 30 is going to get the joke- There was this old rocker dude in the bar that looked like Ronnie James Dio. I made the reference to my date who returned a blank look back at me, so I told the people around me and just got back a, “Who?” Jokes aren’t funny if people don’t get the reference.

5) When you sign your tab at the end of the night make sure to take your credit card- After signing your tab you are supposed to take you card with you. Not leave it on the bar for possibly everyone else in the bar to use.

Note: At least on bartender in every bar is nicknamed “Sully”.

Did you learn any important lessons this weekend?

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