Instead of writing some long boring biography about me I decided to break things down in highlights. First let’s examine me by the numbers:
1-Number of times I sharted at work and had to leave to go home and change.
2-Times I was hit in the thigh in a high school baseball game leading to my only appearance in the local sports section.
3-Place I finished for my pumpkin painting contest for cub scouts, fucking racists.
4-Times I masturbated to pictures Rupaul before I found out she was a he. Now it is time for the long, boring, about me section that nobody ever reads.
Some Important Facts About Me
-I can’t snap or whistle but I can blow a mean double bubble.
-I can roll my tongue but can’t cross my eyes which I wish was the other way around.
-My sister and I were born on the same day three years apart, which I still think is the worst birthday present I ever received.
-I have scored a basket in basketball, a goal in both hockey and soccer but have never hit a home run in baseball during a game (bar league softball does not count) but I was hit twice in the thigh in the same game. Which I think is personally more impressive because what are the odds of that?
-I started out going to college at the second largest concrete structure in the world (the pentagon is first and SUNY Albany is second).
Here is where I am supposed to describe myself and my life so total strangers can evaluate and judge me. I believe we are the summation of our stuff, our tastes, and our knowledge, now having said that I want you to know that I know all the lyrics to the “Humpty Dance”. I would like to think that I am not a very complicated person but after reflecting on what to write here I have discovered that I am a train wreck….. Damn these profiles.
-I can and do like to cook
-I like to laugh and consider myself funny
-I like competition
-I think anything that can be bet on
-Soccer really isn’t boring to watch if you are watching quality teams. Something in like the European Champions League, or even maybe a good English Premier Division match would count.
-There are good articles in playboy… no really there are.
-The only good news on TV is the BBC World News
-Homestarrunner.com, Genius if you haven’t been there stop reading this and go…. Seriously! Watch a Strong bad e-mail or two. It might change your life. Okay, maybe not, it will probably just suck you in and piss away two hours of your life.
-I am great at useless trivia and reading the Snapple fact of the day from the cap of a bottle of Snapple makes me happy.
-I can nail just about any movie quote… although I have been stumped a few times lately.
-There is nothing better when your girlfriend leaves your apartment but it still smells like her (note: I am talking about general odor not well…um you know)
-I think I am solid poker player, but everyone thinks they are good at sex and poker.
-Learning is something that never stops … I never believed my teachers when they told me that but they were right
-I am a good DJ but I have NO other musical talent, and not even spinning.. I can just change cds with a good music selection… So after further thought, I guess I don’t have any musical talent
-Sitting in a baseball stadium on a summer afternoon is one of the greatest things you can do to waste three hours
Random Item 2
Things I Dislike
-Larry King should be shot… I think my 4 year old nephew could ask tougher questions. He probably would follow every answer he didn’t like with a really funny and weird face, possibly spitting juice at the interviewee.
-I think My Big Fat Greek Wedding was horrible, seriously it was not funny. Furthermore, Lost in Translation was grossly overrated. There I said it. I did not like Lost in Translation all that much.
-Parents and animals love me it’s their daughters/owners that are the issue
-Glitter is the worst movie ever made, ok I only watched ten seconds of it but come on… It’s Mariah Carey now if it was crazy TRL Mariah Carey going through a breakdown I could sit through that for two hours easily.
-I think MTV is really the downfall of American youth culture, bad music has been pushed on people to a level that is unheard of even surpassing the disco ear …… but I can’t stop watching real world will anyone ever beat Frankie from the San Diego season? I mean come on… It was reality TV gold. Don’t go old school and throw Puck in my face, he has nothing on Frankie…..NOTHING.
-Fox News is evil
-Question: why do people write checks in the fast lane at the supermarket…… I hate that
-I have railed on Ashlee Simpson for months…. Her mistake on SNL just confirmed that I am never wrong about these things. Of course I did buy the Vanilla Ice album and I though Jodeci was the second coming of Stevie Wonder but I was young and stupid.
-Making spaghetti does not include using ragu as sauce
-This is for everyone in Southern California- YOU EAT BLUE CHEESE WITH YOUR CHICKEN WINGS NOT RANCH DRESSING.
-I hate the smell of theme park water
-I have an irrational hatred of Paris Hilton, JJ Reddick, small dogs, and Fez.
-I feel like a loser when I am forced to go into starbucks and I order hot chocolate because I don’t drink coffee, furthermore their hot chocolate is shit… It is all about Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf or whatever starbucks jr is called
-Monopoly and Risk when finished make you wonder what happened to the last four hours of your life.
-Why is the handicapped stall the farthest stall in the bathroom?
-Does anyone have respect for Fred Durst?
-Who is dirtier Carmen Electra or Pam Anderson I can’t decide? (note this was an old random thought it has been answered….It is Paris Hilton)
-Why do people in Southern California not understand that Kobe Bryant is not a good person?
“I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.”-Lloyd Dobler from Say Anything
“There is an exalted ideal toward which we can reach: the event itself in its human intelligibility, its unity, its diversity. I know how far from it I have remained.”- Ranke