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Fearless Prediction For The Cast of Teen Mom

By: Bobby Finstock on 02/3/10 @ 8:47 am

Along with Jersey Shore MTV scored another breakout hit with their show “Teen Mom” which depicts the lives of four girls from their series “16 and Pregnant”. Allegedly the show is supposed to turn teens off from getting knocked up but when they think they might be able to score a reality TV show deal out of it… well I think it kind of defeats the purpose. (Also it doesn’t hurt that the website has huge baby picture galleries and writes about their stories in such a positive light).

Last night they held the reunion show, which I saved on my DVR. (BTW, saw like four minutes of it. Who the hell put on their makeup? It looks like their face was blasted by the clown makeup gun.) Before I sit down and watch it I want to put on my judgmental prick hat and make some fearless predictions for the future of these girls.


The big news from this season for Maci was that she was splitting up with her boyfriend/baby daddy Ryan. These two absolutely despise each other and tried to gut it out for “the sake of their child” but it isn’t happening. Now Maci faces an unknown future while watching all her friends go away to school and her dreams getting crushed.

Prediction: Out of all the girls on the show Maci will be fine. I could cite her motivation and drive, which she has, but in reality it comes down to one thing… her parents have money and are supportive. Money doesn’t buy happiness but it sure as shit provides a way to bail your daughter out of a costly mistake that could have haunted her for the rest of her life. I think she will live a fairly solid life and stay off the pole.


Probably the least likable person on the show in my opinion, Farrah lives with her parents and attempts to continue to lead the same life she did before getting knocked up. With no baby daddy in the picture she relies on and shits all over her parents. She is currently in Junior College for some restaurant management bullshit and slaves at Buffalo Wild Wings instead of getting a real job that has more consistent pay. But at least it allows for her to go out and meet boooyyyzzzzz.

Prediction: Allegedly Farrah is dating Pauly D from the Jersey Shore. (Although I don’t see how that is possible.) She is the most likely to pose for Playboy or do anything remotely possible to stay in the spotlight. Her mom got arrested for kicking the crap out of her after their 1,459,988th fight but honestly she probably deserved it on some level. She is the type of person that will skate through life never knowing the repercussions of anything she does and using people to get what she wants. She will be stripping within five years. (I guess all that time in high school cheerleading will pay off.)


Catelynn and her string bean boyfriend gave up their child for adoption when the evaluated the odds that their daughter’s life would be absolutely horrific because both families they come from are walking definitions of white trash. She is probably one of the more sympathetic people on the show because she did the right thing by giving the kid up for adoption. Also a tragic figure because she really already has two strikes against her in the game of life (poor + shitty family). The third strike came when her boyfriend proposed to her on the season finale and she said yes.

Prediction: You see a life of tragedy laid out ahead of these people. First of all she needs to break away from the kid she gave up for adoption, she got a tattoo of her daughter’s name and footprint that she gave up for adoption. Ugh, so classy and a really dumb permanent reminder, yet a good conversation starter for the entire rest of your life. Combine that with her getting engaged at 17, which is a divorce waiting to happen. Poor intelligence, poor family history, and just living in a messed up situation Catelynn at best can dream of managing a fast food restaurant someday and hoping her home doesn’t get wiped out by a twister again. She isn’t cute enough to strip and take the Farrah path. The sad thing is she is probably the most sympathetic person on the show and overall has a really good spirit.


Amber was a “party girl” that dropped out of high school and got knocked up. She along with her babby daddy Gary has fueled the concept of “fat people are worthless and lazy”. These two are the least likeable couple of the show and Gary is a few notches below Farrah as the least likeable person on the show, while he does work a lot to support his kid he also does nothing in the way of childcare when he is home. With no support from her parents, no ability to pay childcare, and really no ability to work Amber lives off of government assistant and is allegedly preparing for her GED. (Which she has been preparing for like two years.)

Prediction: Not too much different from Catelynn’s future except for mixing in early onset diabetes. Also you really don’t feel sorry for these two as much as Catelynn because they come off as completely horrible people that fight in front of their child constantly. The thing is this is what the show should have been about with them as the model couple. Not Farrah or Maci who have some parental support and money. After the show is done they have a life of poverty sitting in front of them.

Holy crap I just wrote the least funny and most judgmental blogpost of my entire life. A 1000 word diatribe, oh well… this is a day when comments need to save me.

So what did you think of Teen Mom on MTV?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

13 Responses to “Fearless Prediction For The Cast of Teen Mom”

  1. Byron says:

    I have only seen one part of an episode and it was about two fat people fighting over why he didnt get something on the way home. I assume that was Amber/Gary.

    You just wrote a blog about a week in my office.

    • Yeah that was Amber and Gary…. That summed up the entire run of the show for the two minutes you watched. You aren’t missing much, trust me.

      If that is like your office who is most likely to be a stripper… and can I get her number?

      • Byron says:

        Third try. this site no longer lieks me.

        All will strip. the last tow will be at some place like Wild Bills Exotic Caberet – where quality ain’t on the menu.

        Maci will be the 1st to hit the pole. Her parents enable her. She will do it just to spite them. She will also do special dances for $500 for 3 hours and get hooked on meth. Will blame it all on her parents.

        Farrah will be the last. She has gotten by in life by manipulation. It works for her. She will turn to the pole after a room mate shows her how much she can make.

        As for phone numbers – feel free to friend my stripper friends on my facebook and myspace pages. there are a few.

  2. Meghan says:

    There is something I love about Gary…Amber is constantly charging him and he just has this apathetic look on his face like ‘What did you expect out of me…LOOK at me! I’m hideous.’

    He seems to love his daughter, but he also gives her a look like ‘She’s so sweet, I wish I could bend at the knees enough to get on the floor and play with her…oh well.’

    Spot on about Farrah…she needs to be taken down a peg. Her mother, although a total twat, probably had every reason to brain her.

    Poor Catelynn…the trauma she’s gone through with the shitty/poor family combined with the adoption is going to scar her and she’ll be one of those women who never advances her mindset beyond 17yrs old. If only she were put up for adoption. Catelynn’s mom? Can I just say I love mothers that smoke in front of their children. Awesome.

    Can you tell I’ve been watching?

    • I wonder when Gary is slovenly laying on the couch if he is exhausted because he put in twelve hours of work or just immobile like Jabba the Hutt? I guess it could be a combination of the two.

      See I don’t think Farrah’s mom is that bad. I think her mom is like, “I have to continually bitch at her because she isn’t getting it.” Like her mom already fucked up because she got knocked up and is now trying to compensate to make sure she isn’t a completely shitty parent.

      With Catelynn each week it is like watching someone do something really stupid that you can’t stop. I see it as the equivalent of someone that is soaked in gasoline that wants a cigarette. They go to light up but you are too far away to stop them… Wait was that a veiled Zoolander reference?

      • Meghan says:

        Yes, yes it was…

        Farrahs mother has definitely had enough of Farrah, but the woman’s face is frozen in a frown, that comes from years of being nasty. I have a feeling even if Farrah was doing everything right she’d still have something to complain about…of course, we’ll never see that day happen…

        Gary…why get up off your ass if you are just going to plop back down on it in 5 minutes anyway. Amber has enough ambition for both of you…wait…

        • Byron says:

          You know having a bad family background is not an excuse for anything. I have a freind that came from a crappy family, dropped out of school, ran away and all of that. She is now an attorney.

          And mine wasn’t that great either.

          you just have to want to do better

  3. I’m going to come right out and say I’ve never watched a full episode of this show. And why? Because it is MTV, the Satan of television programming, but what did intrigue me is, aren’t Catelynn and Bean Pole from the trashy suburbs of Detroit? It’s like they’re living the life of “8 Mile”, only without the talent and the good music always playing in the background.

  4. Toni says:

    I was just saying the other night that this show definitely encourages teen pregnancy… How bout another spinoff where child welfare comes in and takes the kids away from their parents who can’t/don’t take care of them the way they should be? Ok, that was almost as judgmental as the blog, but my point is that obviously, these kids will have video proof of how crappy their childhood was to show their therapists someday.

    Stupid MTV. Way to make sure my tax money keeps going to little girls who can’t keep their legs shut.

  5. LOTNorm says:

    You judgmental bastard. How can you cast aspersions upon these downtrodden and disadvantaged youths?

    Hahahaha. How would I feel if I were actually that righteously indignant? I’d hate me as much as these kids will undoubtedly hate their parents. What? Shit just got real.

  6. kiki says:

    great post. i watched the Teen Mom series, but missed the 16 and Pregnant opener. i agree with your predictions for all the girls and have the same opinions of them as well. amber and farrah are the worst. catelynn and her fiance are WT, but i think they made the right decision for themselves, even though their families disagree. oh, am i confused or is Catelynn’s baby-daddy’s ex-con dad boffing Catelynn’s mom? there was an episode where ex-con and baby daddy were in the pick-up truck making amends, and then Catelynn is fighting with her mom moving away with ex-con. i hope Maci does keep away from Ryan and is able to get her degree, even though she quit school after a short time. OMG, why am i going on and on about this? it’s like your my BFF and we’re having a sleepover and discussing crap reality tv. time to go now. i look forward to the next season of Jersey Shore. Snooki’s new beau is gonna be on it.

  7. Ali says:

    yeah these people are all screwed. I think its horrible that they’re broadcasting their tragically demented lives and bringing their children into it.
    Base message: Just say no for the love of God!

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