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I have a major confession to make

By: Bobby Finstock on 01/14/10 @ 9:40 am

The internet is great for so many things. You can organize your finances, find employment, get information quickly, find sick Japanese crap, connect with old friends, and find out the exact second the three breasted women comes on screen when watching Total Recall. With all of this great stuff though there is a downside, occasionally you find out something about yourself that you didn’t realize was abnormal. Something that when you find out and learn that you are in the smaller faction well… you entire philosophy about life gets shaken to the core.

Over the last few months I have seen a conversation on the internet occur in a few places from Deadspin to Fark. Each time this conversation has occurred I have had to take a long hard look in the mirror and evaluate who I am. Is it something that has to do with politics? No. Perhaps an odd sexual fetish like lusting after people with crooked toes? Nope. Is it a crime that I committed years ago where the statute of limitations has run out and I can finally come clean? No, but that is coming later this year.

This might be the hardest thing I have ever had to admit. Please don’t judge me and please don’t let this change your opinion of me….

I stand to wipe after I poop.

I am 32 years of age and I didn’t realize that this isn’t how MOST people wipe their ass.

Apparently the way I do it is not only uncommon but it isn’t socially acceptable. However I can’t see doing it in any other fashion. The hover or the tilt doesn’t seem like a sanitary or enjoyable move, plus I don’t know that I want my hand/arm between my ass and the toilet seat. While I think the way I do it is logical apparently it isn’t how most of America does it.

Because this isn’t the way most people do it does my style make me a revolutionary or even a trendsetter?  Is it a sign of advanced intelligence or am I someone that resides in the bottom of the barrel with child molesters and fans of Twilight? Or historically has this been a trait that has set the weak from the strong? Which side am I on?

There are so many questions about this but the biggest one I have is how did Hitler wipe himself?

Hitler Poops

This is a picture of a man that wipes while sitting down.

Because really when it all comes down to it if I can say that I wipe my ass differently than Hitler I feel that I am covered on this issue. No matter how socially unacceptable my way is if Hitler did it the opposite way I can throw it in your face and say that I don’t wipe my ass the same style he did. Do you think this is documented historically somehow?

How do you think Hitler wipes his ass? And how do you wipe yours?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

36 Responses to “I have a major confession to make”

  1. Claire says:

    At least you wipe, that is more than I thought you did.

  2. Hezz says:

    1. I don’t even want to think about Hitler or any part of his body.

    2. I do it slightly sitting, and….

    3. You’re a nut, Kev. A real nut!

  3. Patty Punker says:

    hysterical. it has occurred to me having my hand/arm between my ass and the toilet is unsanitary. another precaution i take is to fill the toilet bowl with toilet paper to avoid the toxic splashback.

  4. clientsideshowbob says:

    Finally, someone just like me! I, too, stand to wipe, simply because it seems to be the best way. A few years ago I tried the lean to one side bit and was rewarded with a broken toilet seat. So, kudos for representing!

  5. My son stands to wipe, too. But then again, he’s four years old.

  6. cigar_lawyer says:

    Dude that is wierd. I cant imagine how much paper gets stuck between your cheeks. I wish I had never read this one

  7. Jo says:

    What? this just rocked my world. I am a stand-wiper as well and had NO IDEA people usually sat for that. damnit. really? sitting? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Need to go practice.

  8. Lauren says:

    Oh hell. This does shake you to your core, I NEVER realized there was another way to do it either. I’ve always been a stander.

    29 years of LIES!!!!!!

    yeah, I’m not sure what the lie was, but I blame someone else for this, for sure. :)

  9. Meghan says:

    I think more females need to admit to this…have none of them used a public toilet in an emergency? I’m practically standing for the entire time…

    Let your freak flag fly.

  10. LOTNorm says:

    Hitler wipes his ass with construction paper, ironically.

    On the other issue, I’ve always stood to wipe. Sitting makes no sense whatsoever. Aside from the aforementioned undue stress upon the seat, there’s also: gravity, comfort, sanity, and the environment. Yes, the environment. Remaining seated takes more effort to counterbalance and also ensure cleanliness at the same time. With that, you will most certainly apply more pressure in the “process”. More pressure equals a higher likelihood of tissue-tearing (both of the paper and of the delicate tissue of your ass). Any sane person, given the higher likelihood, will use more paper; thus, harming the environment.

    Suck on that rationality, sittin’ bitches.

  11. bethany says:

    I’ve always stood to wipe… I don’t understand the other method. It just seems – wrong…

  12. Wynn says:

    Dude, people wipe while sitting? That’s just wrong. I always stand up. And from what I can tell in these comments, standers are a majority. Is it just the weird blogging world that stand up while wiping or is your other forums that claim people are sitting down, in fact lying and spreading untruthful facts around the intarweb?

  13. merri says:

    Wait? How else do you do it besides standing? I have to research this at home. I always stand to wipe. How can you wipe while you’re still sitting? I can’t even picture how to do that.??

  14. Newt says:

    I also stand up. I had no idea it was uncommon. And I’ve taught my kid to do it that way, too. Have I made her a freak?!

  15. Rick says:

    Stander, reporting in!

  16. Sean says:

    I too am a stander. I learned this was odd only after they invented the automatic flush gadget. I stand up to clean my ass and the friggin toilet flushes. There is no logical reason not to stand and wipe. I’m not a gymnast or an acrobat. Nor am I a woman, with years of practice sitting and wiping.

    I will stand up and be a man while wiping.

  17. Uncle Finstock says:

    Geez, I just sit in the sink and flush the shoot…I thought the toilet paper wad to blow my nose and put on my shaving mistakes…boy your mother’s going to be mad

  18. amber says:

    my son stands to wipe and I hate it because there is always at least one little bit of poop on the floor afterwards which I’m certain would land in the toilet if he were to stay seated

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