How to not make friends and alienate people

Some people consider me jovial, some people consider me slightly bitter and angry, and others just think I should be locked in a shed. I like to consider myself someone who is socially adaptable. Is there a need for someone to be the life of the party? I can step in and do that. You need me to sit back and just drop the occasional witty one liner? I can handle that as well. Or do you need me to offer up thoughtful discussion about different topics? I’m able to bring that to the table as well. Do you need be to be pissed off in the corner and say catty thing about someone you don’t like? Sign me up.

I guess in that way I am like a high-end male escort except without the washboard abs, large penis, or scorching case of herpes.

Anyway, what I am getting at is in general I am pretty decent at social events and good to bring along. This week I went to a New Years Eve party in Connecticut with a date at one of her friends. This was the first time I was meeting up with any of these people and was briefed on everyone going in.

The hostess of the party was about to get remarried after she divorced her first husband for getting a rub and tug at a massage parlor. (Although apparently there was more going on there than just that. I really stopped listening after I got fixated on that one fact.) I wanted to ask about this all night and find out if that really is a divorce worthy offense?

One of the friends was kind of high maintenance.  When I say kind of I thought she was going to light herself on fire halfway through the night because she didn’t have enough eyes focused on her. I knew that not busting her balls was going to be a problem, it became even harder when I was going through her iPod, which was hooked up to a stereo and saw that there was Jonas Brothers on it. (She is over the age of 27.)

Even after seeing that I was able to hold it together. I wanted to make sure that she semi liked me and everyone had fun so my date wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. I bit my tongue and decided that maybe I should circle through the party. The host and one of the guests both had dogs and I spent a few minutes play catch with them and was going to give them some food off the table. One of the dogs had run out of the room so I started to call it… Only instead of calling the dog by his name, I called the dog the name of the high maintenance friend who promptly walked into the room and asked me what I wanted.

“I was calling the dog to give him some sausage.”

“No you just were calling my name.”

Yup, I had mistaken her name and the dog’s name. She realized, I realized it, and my date realized it… Everything went quickly down hill after that. Leading to drunken, “Why doesn’t he like me questions?”

To top things off after the ball dropped at midnight, the hostess sat on my lap while all of us were watching television. I was making fun of Fergie who was “performing” with her sister and made some comment about how Fergie was super annoying and fake to me and would totally have cheated on her to like her husband did. In fact if the person just didn’t have orange skin and didn’t look like a Bratz doll it would be enough for me. The hostess quickly said something about how affairs weren’t funny and got up.

My foot landed squarely in my mouth.

Needless to say the next morning after we woke up and showered I don’t think anyone missed me leaving.

Have you had half a party turn against you because of verbal diarrhea?

Also, is a rub and tug cheating?