Jersey Shore Episode 4 Recap- Screw You MTV

I am changing up how I recap all this. Instead of giving a running commentary I am going to break things down with a little more flair.

The events you need to know about

1) Snooki gets punched- This was the episode where the shot heard around the world was going to take place. MTV pussied out on showing the punch after using it in every single promotion they did. (Thanks Jezebel for ruining everything.) It is the equivalent of a crack dealer selling someone a tootise pop because they felt bad for dealing crack to them for the last five years. Also the event was at the end of the show with the aftermath coming two weeks from now. We had to sit through Snooki hanging out with her mother, the last thing I want to do is see Snooki as human.

2) Sammi is the psycho jealous girlfriend all men hate and Ronnie feeds the beast- The Sammi and Ronnie romance makes me think of Bennie and Joon except with more mental illness and a worse script. Sammi flips out because Ronnie danced with another girl, Ronnie was mad because she was talking to another guy. (We are both totally justified for flipping out at each other. Sweet.)  Sammi talks to Vinny, getting his five minutes of screen time, saying that she was ok in talking to another guy because Ronnie never said “she was his girl”. To Guidos that phrase is more important than a wedding ring.

After talking with Vinny she leaves the club  in a rage because she heard that Ronnie left with Jwoww. Sammi returned home and flipped out, accused him of hooking with the man eater Jwoww before having a massive fight that led to them telling each other how much the love each other before boning. Apparently the fight is foreplay, the speciality of crazy jealous girls.

The next day they went to work together and she was a head case all day. Instead of Ronnie calling her out on it he continued to lob generic compliments her way feeding the needy psycho girl beast. Nice move Ronnie nice move.

3) The Situation couldn’t get laid if he was paying for it. Pauly D and The Situation were out in full force this week bringing home three sets of girls and none of them getting anything. Lets recap the three sets of women:

Set 1- Both girls end up  in a bedroom with the guys. Pauly D’s girl is on the rag and won’t give it up. When Mike starts to search for a condom because his girl is ready and willing (or really drunk… whatever) rag girl says that they should leave. Thus cutting off the Situation from closing the deal.

Set 2- Two girls in a luxury car that MIke and Pauly D pick up on after they ditch two girls the pull from the club. They bring the girls back to the house and neither want to enter the hot tub of ill repute. (Shockingly enough the health department has not closed it down yet.) Eventually the girls that left the club with they guys show up and Pauly and Mike send the luxury car girls on their way. (FYI- The girl “the Situation” was trying to work had a boyfriend of two years. Apparently these two just wanted some sort of camera time.)

Set 3- The girl the Situation is going after is passable as human the one that Pauly gets stuck with is not plus she is annoying. (I am trying to figure out if she had track marks on her arm… what the hell were those bruises.) Pauly ditches out because he doesn’t want to jump on the hand grenade (in Situation parlance). Mike sneaks the girl off into his room before he is cock blocked by her unoccupied friend.

4) Vinny apparently lives at the house still and is featured prominently in the background like a lamp. He was referred to by Jwoww when she said that she liked to have fun and would do anything at the club including the compliment, “I’ll even grind with Vinny.”

Vinny you mom must be so proud.

5) Snooki tried to take a guy home, couldn’t find the place, and kept calling him the wrong name. Apparently he was friends with Jwoww’s previous boyfriend and called Tommy up to tell him that she was dancing with Pauly D. This led to their relationship being completely finished.

My five favorite quotes

1) “Your’e my girl.” -Ronnie

After a massive fight Ronnie says the magic words to lock up the relationship with Sammi. I’ve never uttered these words in my life and would rather propose than actually say that phrase.

2) “We smushed.” -Ronnie

Apparently this is a new term for sex, probably something that has to do with steroids, and his mass crushing her body.

3)”Mike would bang a Gatorade bottle if it had a pulse at this point.”-Ronnie

With Tiger Woods being removed from every add imaginable I think Gatorade just found their new spokesperson.

4) I love being the center of attention- Snooki

This was said after Snooki was doing flips at a bar while wearing a dress and her thongs popping out.

5)You don’t want to do this. -Friend of potential Situation hookup partner

I think this isn’t going to the last time we heard this sentence said.

Bonus quote

It looks really dirty to me. -Snooki’s mom

She said that referring to the Jersey Shore itself but it really could apply to anything else on the show.

We now have two weeks before the next episode. I don’t know if I can handle it.

Thoughts, reactions, judgements?