5 Historical figures I wish were never born so I wouldn’t have to sit through a movie about them

Last weekend I went to see Invictus. In my book Clint Eastwood has put together a streak of solid movies and whenever he puts a new movie out it is a must see. However Invictus was so slow, corny, and so horrible that I wish Nelson Mandela was never born so I didn’t have to sit through a movie about his life. This led me to wonder what other people I wish never walked the face of the earth so I wouldn’t have to sit through crappy bio movies about them.

Alexander the Great

When Val Kilmer and Jared Leto are featured prominently in your movie then you know that you are off to a bad start. I think this movie should just be called, “a bunch of monologues tied together that feels like it will never end”… At least it is somewhat historically accurate unlike some of Stone’s other work.

If we never had Alexander we would be ok… I mean it isn’t like anyone in America knows who the hell he is.

The Entire Women’s Suffrage Movement

How can we make the struggle for women’s right to vote interesting to the MTV generation? Make it using current music and sex it up a little bit.

I wanted to like this movie. There aren’t enough historical biopics about American female leaders so this film really was going to serve an underserved niche but by the end of it I was just shaking my head wondering what I had just watched.

Of course if we didn’t have any of these women… Well… I mean you ladies would have eventually gotten the right to vote… right?

Nixon

Except for “Frost Nixon” every movie that has Nixon in it usually hasn’t been very good. Between the heaping pile of shit that is the movie that is listed above and Oliver Stone’s movie filled with hallucinations, dreams, and fantasies Nixon movies have been awful.

If we never had Nixon there wouldn’t be a natural distrust of the presidency and people wouldn’t have more faith in the leadership on the United States. This probably would have led to the Clinton affair (s) getting swept under the rug which would have led to a Gore victory in 2000, no war in Iraq, better climate policies but probably no Obama. Plus because power historically swings every 16 years we would now be getting ready for President Jeb Bush or something like that.

Marie Antoinette

Two Kirsten Dunst movies and two Oliver Stone movies, really I don’t have a bias. I can’t blame the horribleness of this movie on Dunst it really falls on the shoulders of Coppola who should have never been cast in Godfather III and should have never been given the leeway to make films… well save for the Virgin Suicides.

The problem is if we lose out on Antoinette we lose out on the phrase, “Let them eat cake.” Which is attributed to her even though there is no real record of her saying it. So I would be willing to risk losing that phrase and hoping that in reality someone else said it just so I don’t have to sit through Coppola’s shitty film.

Babe Ruth

“Pride of the Yankees” doesn’t count as a Babe Ruth biopic. He has had three movies made about him and none of the three are very good.

This might be the biggest loss of the list, I mean we would have no home run record to be tarnished. Maris wouldn’t have had hair falling out of his head in 1961 and Hank Aaron wouldn’t have had as much of a historical impact shattering a record that we once thought was unbreakable. Of course we also wouldn’t have had Barry Bonds raping out history by cheating and destroying the game I once loved.

On the flip side John Goodman would have lost a paycheck which would have been a shame.

Which historical figures do you wish were never born so we wouldn’t have to sit through a movie about them?