Jersey Shore: Episode 3 Recap

(I thought about doing a live blog last night during the show but there is so much crammed into an hour that there is no way I would be able to type fast enough.)

We are back for week two of what might the trashiest, mentally draining, and puke invoking show in the history of television. I gave a breakdown of the cast earlier in the week and now we are about to see their continued decline. For all you stat heads out there let me give a numerical breakdown:

7 people living in the house

4 guys

3 girls

1 Snooki

2 girls are in a relationship outside the house

2 people are in a relationship together inside the house

1 “situation”

The highlights from last night:

The show starts out with J-Woww going with the “I was so drunk last night I don’t remember what happened” defense while talking to Ronnie with Pauly D looking on. Apparently she didn’t remember molesting Pauly at all or so she says… Pauly looks like someone ran over his dog, trying to wrap his acorn sized brain around the fact that a girl didn’t remember seeing his pierced penis.

This is how Pauly sums the situation up (not the person the … ugh forget it) ‘She doesn’t want to feel like a trashbag because she has a boyfriend, and she kissed me with her tongue.’

Ron Jeremy wouldn't touch her.

Snooki wearing a hat that says “pornstar in training” comes downstairs and grabs a pickle out of the fridge and fellates/eats it in front of the guys. She says she eats them everyday and makes sure to suck all the juice out first. The guys roll around laughing at her, she doesn’t understand why. Usually I would think it was a girl trying to be coy but I honestly believe Snooki is oblivious to what is going on. If the house were on fire Snooki would be walking around bitching that “it’s so friggin’ hot in here, someone turn on the AC”.

“The Situation” is upset that Ronnie and Sammi are still hanging out or more like he is just upset he got rejected. He keeps telling Sammi at work that it won’t last, trying to plant the seed that everything is going to fall apart. It is like watching Russell on Survivor work the other players… if he had down’s syndrome.

The entire crew gets ready to go out; Angelina’s friends are up, her “boyfriend” is going to meet her out as well. Plus J-Woww’s man is up for the weekend with his friend. Vinny knowing it is a big night decides to be “classy” by wearing a purple tie out. Way to step up your game Vinny. I never got the whole idea of wearing a dress shirt and a tie with jeans it is kind of like wearing a wife beater with wing tipped shoes. (That is actually Vinny’s wedding outfit.)

Angelina’s boyfriend shows up at the club and semi tries to avoid the camera, he tells her that he has a “bad feeling about this” referring to her being living in the house. They then get in a fight and break up, about what isn’t really clear. It is then revealed that he is a married man going through a divorce, so Angelina, who is quick to throw out the whore card, is revealed to be one.

Now it makes complete sense why the guy doesn’t want to show up at the house, why he tried to semi hide from the camera at the club, and why he would get pissed when she called him at work. He is going through a divorce and he was banging her before it started, the genius basically has given his future ex wife proof that he has been cheating. Apparently he didn’t read my blog from Monday, don’t have sex with someone that is or wants to be on reality TV if you are married.

After they get home Angelina’s boyfriend calls the house and her cell and the house and her cell and the house and her cell. Ronnie answers the home phone and plays the messenger going back and forth between the two, it ends up with her boyfriend screaming at her to “get on the fucking phone”, fun for everyone in the house. (Piece of advice guys, telling a girl that is mad at you to get on the fucking phone really doesn’t endear her to you.) Mike proclaims that she is an attention whore; I’m still trying to find the right words to express how wrong those words are coming from that source.

While this is going on J-Woww is cuddling in bed with her boyfriend. He tells her that if she cheats on him that he would end it right there. In an amazing piece of strategy she says, “you would throw away the perfect girl if something like that happened?” Why doesn’t she just put Pauly’s cock in her mouth in front of her boyfriend?

For a home wrecking whore Angelina is a horrible liar when explaining why she wants to get out of work the morning after the breakup. She gets all bitchy when trying to get out of work proclaiming that she “can’t take this anymore”. What “this” is I am still trying to figure out, perhaps responsibility and one ounce of normalcy. Her boss comes to the house and she refuses to speak to him unless he comes into the bathroom where the cameras can’t shoot. Everyone is shocked by her “disrespect”.

Snooki of course rags on Angelina to the camera about how disrespectful and self centered she, this is the same person that missed the first day of work last episode. People in glass houses shouldn’t uh…

Mike uses his fingers to show what was the highest grade he completed.

Angelina decides to leave, proclaiming that she is really leaving 15 different times, nobody begs her to stay like they did Snooki. She gets into one last fight with Mike before packing up her trash bags (she doesn’t have luggage) into the car. Nobody wants here there and celebrate that she is gone.

“Angelina was like a half assed firecracker, it just fizzled out real quick, and it made a loud noise.”- Mike aka the situation

J-Woww admits to her boyfriend via the phone that she cheated and that she loves him… he promptly hangs up the phone. The conversation is never resolved but she believes that she is single. Now that she is single she is going to stop being “a nun”… If nuns act like her I wish I would have went to catholic school. Apparently nuns dry hump people at a bar, make out with people, shows their boobs off to anyone that wants to see them, and plays with pierced dick.

Snooki has a friend, which is shocking enough, who comes to visit her the following day. They decide to go out and get wasted during the afternoon, so they go to an empty boardwalk bar where her friend and her are the only two people dancing while getting laughed at by 40 year old men. Snooki says they are the hottest ones there… I guess they are by default.

Disappointing fact of the week: Mike hasn’t dropped a situation reference 38 minutes into the show. He is quickly losing his only interesting personality trait.

Ronnie and Sammi go on the same date I went on during my junior year of high school, miniature golf and go-carts except it ends with way better results for Ronnie. Sammi invites Mike to go because “they are all roommates” Mike sulks a little bit and decides to stay home. Sammi and Ronnie come back from the date and lock up the guest room to knock some boots or for the Guidos out there… play hide the salami. Mike decides the only way to cope with this news is to get hammered and try to screw Snooki’s friend. What Mike didn’t know is that a little troll was going to get in they way.

First Snooki proclaims that she felt like making out with someone that night and decides that she needs to do it with her female friend because “all guys like that”. Which I guess in some warped way is solid logic. Snooki then transitions to Mike and she explains later in an interview that she likes Mike because “he is a good guy and he has a jerkoff side” which makes him the perfect man.

I try to use my abs to draw attention away from my horrible nose.

After she moves in to kiss him again she tells mike to fuck her in the asshole. It was the most romantic moment of the week. Wait… maybe I spoke too soon.

Cut back to the guest room. After cuddling for a while round 2 is about to begin, Sammi mounts Ronnie and says, “sorry mom” out loud. Wait was she there too?

The next day they go to have a family meal together and Pauly puts charcoal in a gas grill and almost burns down the house. Apparently at 29 years old Pauly has never injested anything but red bull vodka and protein bars.

At the club that night Ronnie keeps whispering sweet things in Sammi’s ear. He tells her that he thought the shore house was the best thing that ever happened to him but really he figured out it was her… They’ve been dating for less than a week. Ronnie then starts dancing with another girl, Sammi loses her shit and starts hitting on her cop friend that just happened to be at the bar that night. Ronnie is annoyed so he leaves the bar with J-Woww, leaving us with a cliffhanger.

I'm doing my signature move

Stat update:

6 people living in the house

4 guys

2 girls

1 Snooki

0 girls are in a relationship outside the house

2 people are in a relationship together inside the house

1 “situation”

Previews for next week… Snooki gets knocked the fuck out.

Thoughts, feelings, reactions?