Everything You Need to Know About the Jersey Shore

I used to title posts about reality television  “I watch this crap so you don’t have to: (insert title of show)” but when it comes to this “reality” show everything has changed. It has been nearly a week since the show “Jersey Shore” debuted on MTV and I still can’t wrap my head around what I watched.  Never before I have wept for humanity, been ashamed to share the same heritage as someone, self loathed for watching a television program, and yet I couldn’t turn my head away.

For those of you who don’t watch MTV (which is like 90% of the people that read this blog) let me explain to you the concept of the show. Basically 4 men and 4 “women” of Italian heritage move into a house on the Jersey Shore where they live, work, party, and fake tan together.

Now how I would describe it would be 8 Guidos, with very little redeemable qualities as human beings, in all their fake tan and idiotic glory get an awesome house on the Jersey Shore for a summer where they drink, screw, and fight way too much.

I know that doesn’t sound appealing to most of you but trust me. There is no humanly possible way I can do this show justice by describing it. So I am imploring you to watch it. (It is on MTV so they air it 5,000 times a week.) To help you out I thought I would write up a little guide about each of the cast members.

Angelina

Angelina is the hardest person to peg on the show thus far. She is a cock-blocking bitch, we know that from the way she has treated the potential conquests the guys bring home. She also has a boyfriend back home but it doesn’t stop her from grinding on random boys at the club. She abhors work and despises sluts/whores even more. (Sluts and whores in this context are any women that don’t live in the house. So, uh, Michelle Obama… sorry you are a whore.)

Right now she is the least likable person on the show. The best scene with her in it was when she proclaimed how hot she was and then was told to lose 5-10 pounds by “the Situation”. (Women love when guys do that.)

Favorite First Episode Quote: “I’m a bartender. I do, you know, great things.”

Jenni “J-WOWW”

I got my classy shirt on.

Apparently Jenni is a model, for what I have no idea. Jenni is like porn star hot when made up and her big, round, fake tits are falling out of her shirt. Otherwise she looks really tore up without all the makeup. The highlight of Jenni’s first couple of episodes is when she gets drunk, makes out with DJ Pauly D, and leaves the club with the shirt she took off his back to buy ham and water. Oh and when she saw Pauly’s pierced penis while hooking up with him. Did I mention that Jenni has a boyfriend and lacks the ability to spell “wow”?

Favorite First Episode Quote: “Tits are coming out tonight.”

Mike “The Situation”

I could write an entire book about “The Situation” just off the first episode of the show. Mike has really nice abs that he calls “the situation” but he also calls himself “the situation” and occasionally they combine together finding themselves in a “situation”. The word “situation” was thrown around so much in the first episode that I am not sure if it a noun, verb, or a word that can be used for everything, kind of like “station” in Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey.

Station... and Snooki's cousins

Favorite First Episode Quote: “You can hate on me all you want to, but what can you possibly say to somebody who looks like Rambo, pretty much, without his shirt off?”

Nicole “Snooki”

Snooki is like a troll doll that has come to life, orange skin and puffy hair included. I wanted to take a second and break down the first three days of her in the house:

Snooki’s thought process- “I am not the hottest girl in the house by any means and have this one snaggle tooth. How am I going to compensate?”

Day 1- Get hammered, try to make out with everyone in the house, including girls… pass out because I am 4 ft tall and trying to keep up with everyone booze wise.

Day 2- I realize day 1 was a failure so I am going to pout, threaten to go home, almost get fired because I was puking while I should have been at work and separate myself from the house hoping people come downstairs and throw me a pity party.

Day 3- I am going to pull a guy out of the club… ANY guy… Yes I brought a guy home, time to have some fun. Oh wait he is puking all over himself. There is no way I am going to get attention from this… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Favorite First Episode Quote: “I am on the outcast.”

DJ Pauly D

It says Cadillac so I know what type of car I have.

Is there anything better than a 29 year old that has the word “Cadillac” written up the side of his torso and takes 25 minutes to do his hair? While “the situation” is a douche he is a loveable douche, Pauly has zero redeemable or interesting traits except that he will try and fuck everyone’s girlfriend and “be that guy”.

Favorite First Episode Quote: “I’m a DJ, I don’t fucking work.”

Ronnie

Ronnie’s nipple piercing means he is the rational one. (I think Guidos use this to mark who has the brains.) He is the smartest guy on the house. Ronnie and “The Situation” kind of battled over Sammi. Ronnie went about it in a very strategic way.  He wanted Sammi so on the second night there he didn’t get in the hot tub like the other guys with the three subpar girls the invited up from the street. (aka sluts and whores in the words of Angelina). This differentiated him from the other guys in the house, like he had standards or something.

The next day after working out with the guys he basically told “the situation” that he wanted to “pound Sammi out” thus making him know that she was a target for him as well. So he made a remark to the guy so they wouldn’t fight, didn’t devalue himself to the other women in the house with skanks, and then made his move by making out with her at the bar… That is one smart Guido.

Favorite First Episode Quote: “I wanna pound out every girl in Seaside.”

Sammi “Sweetheart”

At first I thought Sammi was the best looking girl in the house and was also the most down to earth. Of course that was before she made out with two housemates at the same club before ultimately taking Ronnie home. Nice girls don’t swap between two guys.

Favorite First Episode Quote: “The smaller the shorts, the better because all the little Guido guys out there love them.”

Vinny

Vinny kind of has an undeveloped character at this point except for two events. The first is the fact that Vinny’s mother cuts his food for him still, which I am still trying to wrap my head around. Next would be him getting pink eye and then the entire house blaming it on him dancing with a fat girl at the bar.

Also Vinny has a college degree which might make him the only literate person in the household.

Favorite First Episode Quote: “We gotta get Purell in this house”

The last quote is the most appropriate because you actually will need Purell to rub all over you after you watch an episode because you will feel so dirty.

Greatest show ever or THE GREATEST SHOW EVER?

UPDATE: You also will be able to see Snooki get destroyed. Which is totally worth watching.