In my lifetime I have done some devious things. Things that I am not proud of, things I wouldn’t want to tell my children. (Yet I document them here for complete strangers to read.)
At two different points in my life I dated two women at the same time and each time I completely got away with it. So when Tiger Woods got caught cheating I shook my head in shame. If a poor 22 year old man with very limited resources, a piece of shit car, and in an era with so little technology could do it how could a man worth the GDP of a small nation not get it right?
Before I shit all over Tiger let me give him a little bit of a credit. He had “different hoes in area codes”. You never shit in your back yard. There is no reason to date the same women that live close to each other. If there is a possibility that they will bump into each other, run within the same circle, or have the ability to easily drop by your place than you should just cut your penis off because you aren’t smart enough to use it. Because really there is nothing worse than a girl you are dating (who is pretty much perfect) sitting at one booth in a restaurant while a fat girl that you hooked up with when hammered talks about sleeping with you the previous night. Ugh. Me all make dumb mistakes… really.
Rule 1: Don’t leave recordable and traceable evidence- First of all the fact that he left a girl a voicemail is a horribly stupid idea. (Okay maybe not as dumb as cheating but that isn’t the point up for debate.) You never leave any type of evidence behind- clothing, text messages, pictures, cock ring, pubic hair sweater or voicemail.
This includes e-mail and phone records. If you are going to communicate with them have one of your “people” go out and get you a second phone that can be disposed of easily that your name is not attached to. In the drug game (which I learned from the Wire) they call it a burner. If you ever get caught with it… well it isn’t yours. You found it, it is an assistants, or it is a special gift from Nike that lets you know when you have to fly to Oregon and blow Phil Knight… whatever… There are tons of excuses that can separate you from that phone. In fact the reality of it is the phone is completely disposable so if she begins to question you about it you can smash it into pieces, swallow it… or whatever.
You see women are devious and evil creatures that when upset have a psycho stalking gene that would make anyone on CSI look like an ignorant bumpkin. If you have a phone or computer around and a women thinks you are cheating on them they will hack the ever living shit out of it. One of my friend’s had a girlfriend run the search file program in Windows (and left evidence of doing so) of a specific girl’s name that had nothing to do with him. (Apparently she thought that he would be writing documents about her or something…Perhaps an Excel spreadsheet of every time they had sex. ) His girlfriend wanted to see if he was cheating on her with this other girl that was someone I was actually sleeping with because she overheard her name in a conversation.
WOMEN. BE. CRAZY
Rule 2: Don’t screw attention whores- If you are banging someone that says they are trying out of a reality TV show you cut it off right there. (Even more so if they are going to be on something that will air on VH-1 or MTV. You should just shoot them if they were going on Tool Academy.) If you are playing hide the salami with someone that has a history of being a star fucker and it is public knowledge that they are you need to get away.
Yes the promise of strange pussy clouds a man’s mind. Especially when you are trying to get away from a 29-year-old former Swedish model.
Remember that the lesson here is that no matter how attractive a women is there is at least one man in the world completely bored of screwing her. I really feel that I should test this theory out with a Playmate of the year.
Sorry… back to the rule. When you sleep with an attention whore when you are famous there is only one way things are going to go and it isn’t going to be positive. Usually it is going to involve someone talking to a crappy tabloid, TV show, and if you are really unlucky an entire book about you.
Rule 3: Handle the birth control properly
1- Always use protection- Just because you are married and not using rubbers doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t with the slutty girl you picked up in a Las Vegas nightclub. (No really it sounds totally safe.)
2- Bring your own protection. If I were a celebrity fucker I would have an array of condoms in my purse all with needle holes in them. Getting knocked up by a celebrity is like winning the lottery but with better odds. As a celebrity you need to guard against this.
3- Make it clear if they pull the goalie that there will be repercussions and that you know people. If there is one thing we learned from the previous administration is that fear is a great motivator, I want to apply it to birth control. The fear of death really should work here.
In the end Tiger screwed up pretty badly all to have sex with a slutty club person on Ambien, a girl that would end up on Tool Academy, and an array of other questionable figures. A man with that much power and money should never get caught but he wasn’t smart enough to pull it off… Or maybe he was just too arrogant. Whatever the case may be I feel that it is my duty to educate the rich and powerful out there how to do it… for a fee. Or in Tiger’s case a roll in the hay with his wife… Obviously you aren’t that interested in her anymore.
Do you have any tips on cheating and how to get away with it for Tiger?