I am not on the flight to have a conversation

Contrary to popular believe I do enjoy meeting people and talking to them. I don’t mind chatting up people on the plane and sharing some small talk. However when someone sits next to me with no book, no music, and no desire to watch anything on the in-flight entertainment I begin to worry because I don’t want to have a three-hour conversation.

"you didn't bring anything to read?"

So far I have done pretty well in avoiding the three hour conversation however on a flight out to Arizona a few weeks back there was a guy behind me that sucked in his entire row and didn’t shut up the entire flight. Because I lead a shallow life where I have to observe others and make fun of their pain I weaved myself in and out of their conversation listening in at certain points. Because they were behind me and I was reading a magazine while everyone was boarding I wasn’t really sure what they looked like. (Not that it should matter.)

The only thing worse than an endless conversation with a stranger is a conversation where the person that doesn’t stop talking is an idiot, this was completely the case and it was really painful to listen to. He started out with the whole “where are you from” topic and the girl in question next to the talker was from Florida. He went on to pontificate about college football, getting about seven different facts wrong, for about five minutes before the girl interrupted saying she didn’t really like sports and was in grad school working her ass off.

So the next natural area of conversation was movies. He asked her what movies she watched and he brought up his love of Will Ferrell movies. She responded that she wasn’t a big fan and wasn’t really into him. The guy was heartbroken and offended all at once, he told her that she should immediately watch the following Will Ferrell movies to see what she is missing:

-Land of the Lost

-Blades of Glory

Really? Blades of Glory and Land of the Lost are the two Will Ferrell movies you would recommend to someone who has never watched one of his movies? No love for Anchorman, which might be one of top five comedies of the decade? I had to do everything in my power not to turn around and lash out. Usually when you recommend things to people you try and not put forward the worst things as an example.

I put my headphones on and entered back into the one sided conversation a bit later. The guy was now talking about his dog and some of the quirky things it does. He then started citing things he read about dog behavior that made absolutely no logical sense, the girl just kind of kept replying to his questions with short and curt answers.

Finally the plane landed and the guy told the girl he enjoyed the conversation, the girl said she did as well. At that point I thought she was just trying to be nice because no rational human being would have enjoyed that. Now it was my chance to take a look at them I stood up to see a frumpy looking female grad student next to a guy that could be a male model. Once again proving that we are all shallow assholes that will put up with anybody as long as they are good looking.

I wondered if she rubbed the little man in the boat while watching “Land of the Lost” later that night?