Why I am Teaching My Nephew How To Box

Growing up I never really learned how to fight. This led to my childhood fighting record to start out with four consecutive losses until I turned it around by breaking a kid’s wrist in a fight. Because of this I firmly believe that teaching a kid how to protect himself on the playground is something that needs to be done. So last week while on vacation for Thanksgiving I taught my nephew some basic boxing, how to protect himself and how to punch.

While my intentions seem to be rooted in protecting my nephew in reality I have a total secondary motivation. As an adult I can’t kick the shit out of children, it really is considered poor form. But if I train my nephew to be a stone cold killer, well then… he can do my dirty work. I created a hit list for him to go after.

Mady from Jon and Kate Plus 8- It is often said that as kids grow up they develop a lot of their personality traits from their parents, much like a dog. If the parents are uptight neurotic freaks, the child is pretty much going to be that way. So it is no surprise that Mady is a raging and evil twat with an attitude that makes me want to kick her down a flight of stairs into a pit of wildebeests that will pick apart her hemorrhaging corpse. Of course she got these personality traits from that anti Christ, otherwise known as her mother Kate. Please Kate crawl under from whatever rock you came and while crawling under it I hope that it crushes your chest making you suffocate like a midget trapped under the right tit of a 500 pound circus freak.

Because I can’t take Mady out, my nephew will have to.

Rudy before she became unbearable

Rudy Huxtable- Rudy was cute for like the first few seasons of the Cosby Show and then made a turn down the road to being utterly obnoxious. She had that tone to her voice that combined whiney, snotty, and the “I’m gonna tell” vibe. She was at her best in the episodes where Theo’s parents try to teach him about the real world and Rudy plays Ms. Griswold. After that it was all downhill and because of this decline she needs to “get got”.

Any of the 20 plus kids on my flight home- You know what isn’t a good sign when you board a flight? When the person sitting next to you on the plane says, “I counted that there are over twenty kids on the plane today.” My flight from Houston to Boston was the single most miserable three hours of my life. When one kid started crying another three would join in, it was a chorus of tears and screaming for three hours. No amount of music could mask the sounds, specifically because I had the biggest screamer sitting right behind me.

(Side Note: To the bitch sitting behind me with the screaming kid. As everyone was getting ready to deplane she said, “Sorry everyone. I guess I should just wear a sign on my head saying, ‘I’m sorry.’” You know what? How about you wear a sign on your head that says “bad fucking parent” or “I should have stayed home and not been selfish”. If your kid doesn’t travel well… well guess what, don’t travel. Or even better learn how to get control of your child. The baby who was probably a year younger than your screaming brat didn’t make a sound the entire flight. Why? Because the parents would walk up and down the aisle, swaddle the kid, and knew their kid enough to combat the early stages of fussiness. I hope your ovaries fall out you shitty parenting ass munch.)

Until the day comes where we segregate parents with newborns like lepers I will have to rely on my nephew to say things like, “Can you shut your kid up or do I have to shut them up for you?”

Tell me you don't want to punch the kid on the right in the face?

The two boys on Wizards of Waverly Place- They over act worse than Jim Carrey trying to get Jenny McCarthy into bed while she colors in her latest “autism explained for parents that can’t read” coloring book. I got a crash course in this show this last week and the youngest kid is possibly the most over the top actor on the face of the earth. He mugs for the camera worse than Jimmy Fallon on SNL, which makes me want to send the nephew after him to break a limb or two.

Are there any children that you need taken out?