(If you are under 18 this doesn’t apply to you. Everyone expects you to have horrible taste when it comes to pop culture. Your mom had it. Your mother’s mother had it. It is just a fact of life. Now go paint tear drops on something.)
Last year when Twilight came out I wrote a blog entitled “If you are an adult and excited to see Twilight you are an idiot”. Over the year since that abortion of a film came out things have changed. The world has been taken over by “sexy vampires” in fact I think every show in the CW lineup next year is going to involve different mythical creatures but with the spin that they are hot. I can’t wait to see Heather Locklear get banged by the Loch Ness Monster.
Also the adults… wait when I say adults I should just say lonely women with a gaping void in their life…. Their supporting of Twilight has increased leading to levels of defensiveness that is amazing to me. Here are some of my favorite excuses of why adults are getting sucked into the Twilight series have been:
It is an easy read- So is Clifford the big red dog. It doesn’t make it okay as an adult to have it on your night stand.
Remember just because something is easy doesn’t mean it is right. I had to have that explained to me after taking home a girl that was blacked out drunk at the bar one time in college. Apparently “easy” in that case could potentially double for date rape. So using that logic when you read “New Moon” and the other Twilight books you are date raping your mind… Or something like that.
The book wasn’t as good as the movie; I’m really only a book fan-This is my favorite defense of an adult’s love of the Twilight series. Everyone readily admits the first movie wasn’t the best quality film so they defend the book is something high brow and high quality, which it isn’t.
If I give you a piece of shit to eat and you microwave said piece of shit it is still a piece of shit. Saying that the original piece of shit tastes better is kind of a pointless debate because no matter what you are defending a hot pile of dung.
Let’s say you go see “The Road” which is based off of an award winning book and say that the movie wasn’t as good as the book. That is logical. That is okay because we are talking about a grown up book with adult themes and written for someone with a reading level above one of a tweens.
I’m into the whole vampire thing- Fair enough but why pay attention to crappy Vampire stuff when you can watch something like “True Blood”? Wait you are reading the Twilight series which leads me to think you aren’t smart so you don’t have a good job and thus can’t afford HBO. Sorry.
If you said you were a “True Blood” fan I could understand it is so much better than the Twilight series because:
-People have sex (Abstinence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder)
-Kristen Stewart isn’t anywhere near the series… Worst. Actress. Ever. My right nut has more personality.
-Dakota Fanning isn’t in it. I have clearly determined that Dakota Fanning is an evil robot, we can’t let the evil robots take over the world.
-A gay man is behind it. (I guess in more ways than one.) You see the Twilight series is created by a Mormon woman and really what have the Mormons given us culturally? The Osmonds… Did we ever really need the Osmonds? The Mormons also can’t dress, they have no sense of style, no sense of humor, no personality, and believe in magic underwear.
On the other hand gay people gave us Richard Simmons and Portia de Rossi. They are hilarious, have an amazing sense of fashion, and continually contribute culturally.
Really where would you rather live Utah or Fire Island? Nobody wants to live in Utah.
In summation if you are an adult and excite to see New Moon you are a moron.