Yeah I know this all happened two weeks ago and I didn’t jump on it when it happened. I have an excuse I was in Vegas and then I was too lazy to write about it so bite me.
I have to say I completely love the entire Balloon Boy thing and I hope his dad doesn’t go to jail. There aren’t enough hoaxes pulled off anymore. Saying that whatever celebrity, one that is probably either slightly washed up or unheard from for a while, is dead doesn’t constitute a hoax. However faking your son’s disappearance coupled with an exciting balloon chase totally kicks ass.
Everyone is piling on the guy because of his blatant attempt to use this to gain a reality show yet we celebrate Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian for flashing their beavers and taping their sexual escapades with people that most girls hammered in a bar wouldn’t let touch them. At least this guy did it with some gusto and the threat of the death of a preschooler. That takes talent, working a video camera and acting like a whore doesn’t.
Actually I think the whore path to fame has totally worn out. America has grown tired of these antics and really craves for something pure. So we have turned to children, which has led to Octomom, Jon and Kate, and Balloon Boy. (So much for pureness.)
Now that I can’t fuck my way into the spotlight and the fact that kids take too long to develop I need to think about what is coming next and how to become the leader in that category. I know being a complete idiot and walking around with an extra chromosome while looking for a date is cool (see any VH-1 show) that won’t last long either. So I have to figure out how I can land a reality show:
1) Exploitation of animals- I have decided to wear an all kitten coat this winter. The kicker is that the kittens won’t be dead; they will just be attached to the coat. People will pet them and feed them… There might be an issue with feces but what the hell you can’t smell through a television. Each week I could find a new way to exploit an animal for personal attention… I can’t wait for Rhino week.
2) Race baiting- We are supposed to be living in a “post racial America” but anyone that has turned on cable news or watched five minutes of a tea party video knows that is far from the case. “Our use of the term coon is totally humorous.”
So why don’t I try to recreate the movie “Soul Man” and use it to prove that we don’t live in a post racial society? What is that I smell? An Emmy in the reality category or maybe that is the potential cross burning on my lawn?
3) Drug Trafficker- For some reason when people do something on reality television the law doesn’t apply to them. How many times have we witnessed someone driving drunk, punching, and other things where the people have no repercussions? So why can’t we do something super illegal and film it the entire time with the logic that we are taping a reality show? Murder for hire? Drug Mule? Prostitute? Wall Street CEO… The possibilities are endless.
Personally I am a big fan of the drug mule one. When I am at the border and the drug dogs are going ape shit I can just explain that the 75 condoms that I swallowed full of H is for a reality show. Genius? I think so.
So now that whores and children are out of the picture as a way to become a reality star what is next?