Jon and Kate plus hate-orade.

(There was one post that I totally missed from when I went on vacation. Here is a guest post about everyone’s favorite couple…)

I’m sure I don’t have to convince you to hate these people, they have the charm of airport security personnel but without the community college education.

Asian babies are built in the same way that Chinese food is made: with MSG. They come out of their factories inhumanly adorable. But these kids are special. These eight mixed-race babies have the colonial promise of their caucasian heritage (O, Kate, you noble mare!) and the dopey cuteness of their half-asian father. And that’s it. Get Parry Gripp to write a 59 second song about them on YouTube and that’s all you need to know about their lives. Like that chimpanzee on that Segway.

I wonder why someone loves the spotlight so much?

But let’s just take a second to understand something: real celebrities do not participate in celebrity circus. This arena is reserved for the Prats, Kathy Griffin, everyone who gets twelve year-old girls off (Twilight, Zac, the JoBros) and other no-talent, no-shame, nobodies. Jon and Kate find themselves under these jerks.

Once you remove the eight Furbies from the phenomenon, you’re left with two boring, flabby idiots. Who could’ve predicted that these two average people could be split up by the TV’s holy forces — greed, fame and sex? Yes, Jon looks like Bert of Bert and Ernie, but tons of chicks are into the fact that he has radioactive sperm. One go with this guy and you can kiss your intact uterus goodbye. And girls like that. Obviously, he’s a chick magnet. And yeah, we all feel for Kate. She’s tragically welcome in our hearts like Bambi with headgear. She makes us feel good about our looks and fashion choices, primarily because she looks like a shitty mix of Ellen and a Geico caveman. And she’s got the elegance and self-awareness of that chubby girl in your shop class with her period showing.

But SOMEONE (ahem) keeps giving these fuck-ups all this attention, and no parenting skills. Daddy’s out frenching randoms and Mommy’s on Larry King talking about her mismanaged money, meanwhile, these adorable, frightening little ‘human’ children are without parents. Poor, stupid little Aidan is repeatedly ramming his head into the wall, getting closer and closer to making the show “Kate’s Lonely in Heaven with Only 7″.

All of these exclusive reports are telling us the same thing: Jon and Kate are invested in their children’s futures, that’s it. That’s why they’re fighting about the money, right? But, sorry guys, it’s too late already. When you have seven siblings, you don’t need to worry about the future too much. You’re fucked because you get — at best — an eighth of the love and guidance that your lousy ginger cousin’s getting from your annoying aunt. No matter how hard Jon and Kate try, at least three of the kids will be bipolar, two will be raging lesbians and one will accept Jesus, like REALLY accept Jesus. So just cut your losses and tell the truth: these people suck ass.

By: Brunchnugget