Dump the Girlfriend. Video Game Season is Upon Us.

(I am off to Las Vegas for business…. So this week we have some guest bloggers… )

Given the barrage of kick ass video games this holiday season, one has to sit back and wonder… will I ever get laid? After a solemn head nod and 45 minutes of crying, the next question they would wonder is…what’s next? I happen to have a secret source within the gaming industry, let’s call this person “my little brother” and he has dished to me the next wave of new games coming to a console near you:

Grand Theft OJ (xbox 360, Wii)- Starts off like Madden ‘79 except when the first quarter ends you kill your wife and navigate your white Bronco through the streets to escape the cops. Doesn’t matter what you do the cops always run into each other and you win every time. Finishes with a demo of Tiger Woods Golf with OJ as the only playable character. Wii Limited Edition comes with a bonus Nintendo Power Glove, but gets recalled shortly thereafter because it never seems to fit anyone.

Rapstar (Wii)- Build up your character as a young white male with a dream. Finish the game playing with the patented WiiSpatula flipping burgers at Mcdonald’s. Final boss battle with parole officer and pregnant wife promises to be a challenge. Rumor has it $50.00/month covers child support online play.

Lindsey Lohan’s Prodater (PS3)- Navigate the streets of LA giving blowjobs to homeless men for beers to increase your health. Then spread the diseases you have acquired to every C-list male actor you come across. Final Boss battle is an epic fight between Lindsey and Left Behind star Kirk Cameron. Give him Herpes and you win the game, and the hearts of America.

Rock Band: Guns n Roses (all systems)- Start off in career mode playing as Axl or Slash. Expert difficulty with Slash makes it impossible to see  when matted black hair and cigarette smoke covers the screen. Build up a massive fan base, sell out arenas, and earn platinum album sales with both characters. Those that play as Slash finish the game to discover a code for downloadable Rock Band: Velvet Revolver. Those that complete the game as Axl are promised downloadable content as well, but it isn’t released for 17 years.

So go ahead kids, start those Christmas lists early, and while you are at it, add me to your Xbox live. I’ll need your help battling Samantha Ronson in Prodater. I’m only a level 5 Carpetlicker.

-Devin

Devin is the Ken Jennings of shittypoems.com andaskmeshit.com along with many other pointless sites that no one visits.