What Happened To The Action Hero?

Earlier in the decade there was a lot of talk that a new generation of action heroes where on their way to replace Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and Norris. The Rock and Vin Diesel were two guys that were bandied about as being the guys that we were going to see killing people by various means and dropping cool lines to rub it in.

So far that really hasn’t happened. Instead we have… uh… I guess Christian Bale?

I totally could kick his ass

Bale isn’t really lame enough to be a proper action star. He has a track record of actually being able to act which eliminates him from true action star status also he is from another country. (We will get into that later.) Bale is also kind of on the small side. Sure he is ripped but I want to believe that the action star could rip my head off, pull out my bladder through my esophagus, and then replace my bladder with the testicles of an evil henchman. I don’t feel like Bale can do that.

There doesn’t seem to be a lot of options right now for action stars. I don’t think Matt Damon can kill me either. He has to be 4 ft tall. Of course you have all the comic book movie actors like Toby McGuire who is an older Michael Cera (aka the awkward soft spoken dude) who I think I could kill with a fart. Then you have Hugh Jackman does musicals, which automatically makes him either gay or a pussy. (not that there is anything wrong with that)

And not to be xenophobic but I can’t get behind Daniel Craig or Clive Owen because they are British. I like both of them but I need my action stars to be an American citizen. I like to think that even though they could kill me with their bare hands that I am smarter than them and would probably make for a good arch villain with high odds of defeating them. British people don’t make me feel that way because whenever an English person speaks I automatically think they are intelligent because of their accent.

The lack of a true action hero might be the biggest disappointment of my adulthood.

I was really looking forward to renting action movies for my nephew to watch where the hero rips off a steam pipe from the wall and throws it into the chest of the bad guy that was made in the last ten years. Death by a foreign object is so much better than some CGI lightening bolt or other computer generated special effect. I need implausible deaths compounded by horribly written lines.

Looks like I am going to have to break out “Total Recall” and let him see what a chick with a third breast looks like.

Great.Uncle.Ever.

Don’t you miss shitty action movies?