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My Solution For Healthcare

By: Bobby Finstock on 09/16/09 @ 7:33 am

For the last two months the healthcare debate… Wait I wouldn’t call it a debate. I would call it more of a keystone cops routine on the left and moronic fear mongering on the right, both are depressing to think about.

Anyway, I have decided to step in and help out our government building on the best idea I have heard proposed and it came from…. Sarah Palin. I know… I know… I wouldn’t trust her to bake me cookies or even breed a kid with the right number of chromosomes but she has concocted the best idea I have heard yet… Death Panels.


Sure she pulled this out of her ass by twisting end of life counseling (suggested for the bill by a Republican) into something totally barbaric but I have to say she unintentionally stumbled into a great idea that I think we need to expand on. We should call it a “life or death panel” and here is what it should cover.

This panel decides:

1) If you are over the age of 75 and can’t drive worth a shit. You are slowing down traffic and causing accidents, even preventing me from getting to where I need to be on time, well you need to die. Everyone in the United States is afraid to take away your license and your freedom so I say we should just skip to the next step and eliminate you from the planet.

Result: Florida trims their population in half.

2) If you are about to have a kid and you have the intelligence of most table condiments well… You need to come to the panel. At the panel we will put you up against a chicken in a game of tic-tac-toe and if you lose it proves that you are too dumb to have a child. We will hook you up to a shop-vac and take care of everything right there, including super gluing your vagina closed so you don’t have to waste tax dollars by coming in front of the committee again.

Result: We stop the plot of “Idiocracy” from actually happening but probably lose ¼ of the United States population. West Virginia becomes the first “ghost state” ever.

3) Your need an organ donation? We decide any disputes that might arise. If multiple people are up for an organ here is how we are going to decide it.

a) If they are a celebrity we consider your body of work. If it sucks, say you are DJ Qualls, we are giving the new liver to the pedophile you are up against.


b) If there are no celebrities involved we evaluate both of your lives. If you are tied after that we decide by… no not a fight to the death, we aren’t barbaric. No we decide by a game of Sorry! Not only we not have to apologize for putting you through this because the game says it all we get a good laugh every time one of you sends someone back to the start.

You are welcome America; I think I just started us off on the right foot.

Anything else we should consider for the death panels?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

11 Responses to “My Solution For Healthcare”

  1. clientsideshowbob says:

    That West/Palin picture is hilarious!

    As for the Death Panels, I think anyone who is over the age of say 50 and brings 100 items to the 10 items or less line, or uses the phrase “I’m retired, they should get out of my way” need to be considered.

    And of course, Kate Gosselin.

  2. Tiffany says:

    You really give meaning to the previously nonsensical phrase “vile, yet charming”.

  3. cigar smoking, beer drinking lawyer says:

    I like it, but you need to nut cut the father as well in the intelligence test. not fair just to punish females. Men can spread the dumb gene. Prime exhibit my brother.

  4. David says:

    The panel needs to visit with Octomom, her father and all 14 of the children who are no doubt condemed to a life of stupidity.

  5. Meghan says:

    Yeah, the 10 items or less people would have been mine too…just have a guard standing there to drag them off while they lamentably clutch item #11.

    People that pull into the 1st gas port when there is a line building and 2 spots ahead of them. People that tell me its not the heat, but the humidity should be burned at the stake…for the purposes of demonstrating ‘heat’. Kobe Bryant could be made an example of by being assaulted from behind while someone else bounces basketballs off his head (I’m sure his wife would sign up for the latter).

  6. bethany says:

    RE: West Virginia –

    You grossly underestimate Alabama, my friend..

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