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Didn’t You Learn Anything From Wild Hogs?

By: Bobby Finstock on 09/15/09 @ 6:17 am

When I was back home in Western, NY last week my friend and I stopped at a semi popular burger place in the middle of nowhere called Tom Wahl’s. While we were there we noticed a massive amount of motorcycles out front all driven by men that looked like they were either school teachers, tax accountants, or Mormon ”Jeopardy” champions.


Now I am not saying that you need to be some hard core guy all inked up, a rap sheet a mile long, and clad in leather to own a bike. What I am saying is that if you have ever watched the movie “Wild Hogs” for even thirty seconds (which is coincidently the entire amount of entertaining shit contained in it) you understand that when you are going through a midlife crisis the last thing you should invest in a motorcycle.

Sports cars? Why not… It is good for the soul and good for the economy.

A 23-year-old girl where you act as her sugar daddy spoiling her while she sucks you dry? Sure…. It is good for your penis and the luxury brands.

How about some trip to some exotic local just to recharge your batteries? Sounds like a plan….

Hair Plugs… uh… strike that from the record.

You see the thing is the items above, which are typical of a midlife crisis, are understandable. In fact they even make other people around you envious. While they know you are going through a midlife crisis they tip their hat and say, “Well if you are going to do it that is the way to do it. It looks like he is having a ball.”

When the same person sees you on a motorcycle they say, “I can’t believe Ken is doing that. He looks like such a douchebag and it probably going to get himself killed. What a shame that he is going through a midlife crisis, I hope he doesn’t hang himself when he realizes he looks like an idiot on that thing.”

That is a massive difference in people’s perception of you. We need to be honest here. While most of us don’t care what other people think the reason you are doing this is to make yourself feel good and get a reaction from other people. You don’t do something so public if it wasn’t a cry for validation and praise.

This is why I have decided to call my shot for my midlife crisis. I am going to recreate “Leaving Las Vegas” minus the drinking myself to death and the living with a hooker that was brutally anally raped by frat boys … oh and staying in that shitty motel and… Wait maybe I am just going to go to Vegas and go on a bender. Wait I am already going to do that next month. That is pretty uninspired. Back to the drawing board.

I guess I am just going to buy a motorcycle.

How do you imagine a midlife crisis?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

8 Responses to “Didn’t You Learn Anything From Wild Hogs?”

  1. benwhat says:

    This is easily one of the worst, most uninspired posts that I’ve ever seen on this site. Please, get yourself a motorcycle and crash it right into a wall.

  2. David says:

    I decided to give myself the big fins era convertible for my mid-life crisis. This proved far more safe than trying to learn to ride safely and defensively on a motorcycle.

    Mine is a 1961 Cadillac convertible and I love her (no, not sexually, you perv).

  3. Wynn says:

    That’s a tough one. I remember talking about it and then I could list stuff, but eventually I could strike at least one (wearing pink jeans, always wanted to) and now I can’t remember the other ones. I’m tattooed and have weird coloured hair so that wont be all that crisis-y. I must think about this…

  4. Rory says:

    A midlife crisis clearly involves this:http://picnicface.com/videos.php?videoID=41

    Although i think i’d also go on a huge bender in an unknown little town in the middle of oblivion just to confuse the old locals. I doo referr to a small town like in the english soap; Emmerdale. I’d also convince at least 10 other people i didn’t know to join me.

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