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You are my long lost adopted son, we should bang

By: Bobby Finstock on 09/14/09 @ 7:21 am

One of my secret things that I don’t admit is I love long lost adoption stories that are featured on the news or Oprah. I like them even more when there is some totally random thread that ties it together like, “My cousin was living next door to my long lost son for five years cooking meth and I didn’t realize my long lost son was the person that called the cops on them.” (Okay maybe not exactly something in that vein.)

All of that has come to an end though as of last Friday… I don’t know if it came to an end in a negative/gross way or in a “this is so fucking awesome it can never be topped way”. Let me tell you the story.

Over a decade ago a Michigan women name Aimee Louise Sword gave her son up for adoption. Years later said women decided to track down her son…. So boring and normal right… Wait it gets better. She didn’t track him down to take him out for ice cream or explain to him why he was adopted or clear up questions he had… No she tracked him down to screw his brains out.

What are you in here for? Oh I gave my son a rimjob.

What are you in here for? Oh I gave my son a rim job.

What better way to make up for turning your back on your kid and giving him up for adoption than to let him slide into your stink ditch? How motherly…

This now tops every “teacher sleeping with their students” story ever. (Florida is so off the hook.) However there are so many questions that this entire story brings up:

1) Did he know that it was his biological mother? How do you talk yourself into that if you did know? “She might be my biological but she really isn’t my mother.”  Or is it one of those things where you are a teenager and really don’t care where he sticks it?

aimee louise sword

2) Is she fat? (Not that there is anything wrong with that.) This is more for spank bank purposes. I only found three pictures of her. The mug shot is one of those MySpace/Facebook style photos that don’t show the body and is totally top down. The other two are all upper body but one reveals fat arms, but she doesn’t have a fat face… I am just curious.

3) Do you think we have this all backwards and he seduced her? I mean she hasn’t been a parent or anything she doesn’t know what’s what… Kids are tricky little shits that try and get away with anything they can especially when it comes to bedtime.

Dude: My adoptive mommy blows me before I go to bed.

Aimee Louise Sword: Aw that is sweet she blows you a kiss.

Dude: Uh, no she puts my junk in her mouth.

Aimee Louise Sword: Oh… I haven’t raised a kid I don’t know how it works. Well I hate to ruin your typical routine, whip it out.

How many therapy sessions is it going to take for this kid to get his shit together when he becomes an adult?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

5 Responses to “You are my long lost adopted son, we should bang”

  1. kate says:

    even dr. phil wouldnt be able to help that kid

  2. Caroline says:

    Wow . . . sounds so incredible and impossible. I have no doubt it’s true.

    What a great mom. . . wish I had one just like her.

  3. cigar smoking, beer drinking lawyer says:

    Mom of the year for sure

  4. Wynn says:

    I don’t even know what to say about that. Uhm. Uhm..

  5. Charlotte says:

    Sounds like a potential new client for me! *writes down names*

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