I Turned Down Sex Because I Had To Poop
You get to a certain point in your life when you become the grizzled person that thinks that they have witnessed it all. Very rarely do things arise that totally shock or surprise you. I felt that way over the last few months. Nothing was really getting to me until the other night when I turned down sex so I could go home and poop. Of course the refusal of sex for taking a dump occurred after me getting hammered and making an ass out of myself.
First I should probably give a bit of a back-story to this. A few Fridays ago I went out on a date where we grabbed something to eat really quickly and then went to a concert. Now that doesn’t sound all that bad but let me add into the mix that we went and grabbed a burrito really quickly before we headed to the show and at the show we drank a ton of beer. (Now everything is rounding into shape. You can see where the poop part comes from now I need to establish the “making an ass out of myself.”)
After the show we headed out to a few bars where I continued to drink my face off. At the first bar we went to my dated pointed out the host of the channel 7 morning show… actually the pre morning show that starts at like 5am. I wouldn’t have been able to pick the guy out of a lineup because I don’t watch any local news, especially anything that comes on at 5am. Of course it didn’t stop me from going up to him while my date went to grab a round of drinks and say, “Hey I really like your work, my date didn’t want me to come up to you because she watches the assholes over on channel 5. But whatever… we know what’s up right?” (Why I felt the need to do that or what it means… I have zero idea.)
We didn’t stay at that bar very long and ended up at another establishment down the road. At this point I knew the night was coming to an end so I decided to broach the topic of our sexual relationship and I decided to tell her that I felt like we had no sexual chemistry. (Which really is what a woman wants to hear at the tail end of a date.) This turned into a discussion about how I make her nervous and how we can improve things, the discussion turned into a furious make out session in the cab.
Once we got dropped off outside of her place I felt a familiar rumbling in my tummy. It wasn’t that I was hungry; it wasn’t that I felt nervous; it was the international symbol for I am going to have to spend a fair amount of time emptying out my intestines.
So we started kissing at the corner by her house and I said, “Uh, well I had fun, I will see you later.”
A look of shock and bewilderment hit her face. I felt like I owed her an explanation so I proclaimed, “I have to poop really bad and don’t want to do it at your place.” I then turned around and walked away.
I wonder why I am still single?
A1 material!!
You are clearly my new hero and role model for living on the wild side. Your tips for getting laid have really changed my life.
srsly – fun post. Cheers
Smooth. Very smooth. One day I hope to grow up and be just like you.
This is awesome…- don’t think we have any sexual chemistry but on a lighter note I have to poop.
I totally laughed out loud.
Can’t believe you left! If you knew you were never going to see the chick again, I would have found a bathroom, done what I needed to do, pretended I was vomiting. A little cleanup, a little breathmint, and at least you could hit it before you left. But the true tale is probably funnier…
LMAO. Cause she’d totally want to ride the bobby-go-round after you barfed. HA HAAAA, good one.
Nice. At least you’re honest, which is something. Something bad, here.
Haha. That’s awesome!
I would have given her an upper-decker, banged her and left.
I’m dying to know where did you poop? Good lawn with green leaves? I would have shat there, closed the bathroom door, hit it and then left.
We miss you at BLogCatalog. We want you to join in our discussions.
This story was meaningful because so many people have found themselves in your predicament and ruined relationships because they couldn’t be candid. I feel for you that you were uncomfortable but I applaud you for your honesty. Leaving a date bewildered is so unkind. You are a gentleman. This time. Hugs!
Ok Bobby, now you are on a subject that is discussed daily in our Nashville office. We think you should write an article on all the different types. One guy said he had a turd with a Cobra head that bobbed out of the water. Another always wants to tell us about his diverticulitus. He said it it hard and crusty on the front end and finishes with a saw dust, corn flakey material. Another has the Oatmeal shat and another does cream of corn. I told you these southerners are a weird group. I wonder how many different types there are? Don’t forget about the spaggetti stool. That’s one of the favorites.
My friend’s sister documented a bunch of different shits and was going to do a project with it (I can’t explain what)… The sad thing is when her car got stolen so did the pictures.. it was a travesty.
Check out the iphone app called iPoop. Perfect for tracking yours and others bowel movements.
– http://pooptheworld.com/
Poop The World | New iPhone app
1. Totally reasonable.
2. If you had just walked away she would have wanted you more but
3. You told her you had to shit. So
4. You were actually too honest and
5. Did you ever think that could be said about you? Also
6. Channel 7 all the way! We know what’s up, right?
Why not take a dump at your date’s place then and there? Everybody knows everybody has to do it some time or the other.
[...] I turned down sex because I had to poop. – Link. [...]