The Worst Thing I Have Ever Done To Anyone Part I

When I was younger, I was the biggest asshole in the world to date, but there was some reasoning why I was. In high school I dated the same girl for two years for the most part, had zero self-confidence when it came to women, and basically figured the green booger girl was the best I could do. However, when I got to college and realized that I wasn’t a half-bad looking dude, I was mildly entertaining, could hold a conversation, and women had some interest in me, I became a massive asshole. (Which really is the right thing to do when you find out you can stick your cock into various female orifices.)

Relationships…wait…I shouldn’t even say relationships…how about just “women”? Women were pretty disposable to me. Not because I thought I was better than them, or that I had the dick supreme (is that on the value menu at Taco Bell?), but because I wanted to screw with impunity to make up for lost time/missed opportunities. And that’s what I did.

After a certain point, though, I felt that being a male whore wasn’t right and I should enter into “relationships,” albeit with ones that I wrote the rules for. You know, rules like:

-Rule number 57: I can sleep with whomever I want and you shall not know about it but don’t even think about talking to a cute boy because I will go apeshit.

-Rule number 3: The desires of my penis outweigh anything logical or emotional.

In other words, I was a guy that was 20 years old.

I am totally going to have sex with you and forget that you existed.

I started dating a girl back home in Western, NY when I was back for one summer. “Beth” was just out of high school and getting ready to go to college in Rochester. I had just finished my sophomore year at Albany and was preparing to move into a house with two girls, one that just so happened to be my ex-girlfriend. “Beth” was loyal, caring, and overall a pretty cool chick, which meant that I could totally run over her and get away with it. (Meanwhile if she was demanding, high-maintenance, and a total bitch, I probably would have bent over backwards for her at that time in my life.)

Originally I was pretty loyal to Beth, driving back and forth to visit her in Rochester when I was going to school in Albany. For the most part things were going well, except for a few rare instances of me being a dick. You know, like wanting to drive to Buffalo at two o’clock in the morning while shitfaced because the bars were open for another two hours. (She cried and jumped on my hood so I wouldn’t go.) Or having her pick me up at a golf tournament where I had finished the tournament in my boxers. Then there was me convincing her to let me stick it in her poop shoot because she was on the rag and I was horny. (I did drive three hours to visit her… so that makes it okay right? ) You know, really sweet things that women appreciate.

All of that, though, paled in comparison to what I did one night over the winter. I had come back one weekend  when her school was on break. Beth had invited two friends over that she went to gigh school with, Lisa and Kristie. Lisa dated one of my friends over the previous summer and for the most part was a relatively quiet girl; Kristie was a girl that I had art class with in high school. We had a weird flirty relationship but nothing had ever, would ever, or will ever happen (she has ended up well out of my league at this point in life, albeit severely emotionally damaged). It was just an odd situation – there was some sort of attraction there but she was a train wreck and I was dating her best friend…oh, and I was a complete asshole. Along with her two friends, my friend John came up to visit from his college and we all planned to play some drinking games and hang out.

As the night progressed, we all got pretty sloppy. Asshole turned into circle of death…circle of death turned into truth or dare. Truth or dare turned into Kristie and Beth making out on the couch. When this happened, my friend John gave me a look as to say, “Holy shit this is really going to happen tonight with the three of you.” I returned the look with nod; I was on a mission to get Kristie naked and in a bed with Beth. At the time it sounded like a reasonable goal but looking back it is about as realistic as clean coal.

For some reason the drinking games stopped and the girls wanted to watch something lame on television. John and I went into another room to watch the beginning of “Full Metal Jacket.” (Note I said beginning, because nobody wants to watch the whole thing.) Beth and Kristie came into the room about half an hour later talking about something that involved Kristie kissing me. Beth told her that she knew she always wanted to and that we should just get it out of the way this once. I was sitting on the floor and Kristie had to semi-straddle me to give me a kiss. Beth was a little upset and stormed off. As Kristie laughed and left, John and I did a fist bump. Everything was coming together without me even doing anything, except getting shitfaced and watching a  movie with a racist drill instructor.

Another half hour passes and Kristie came by the room we were watching the movie in to tell us that she was going to bed. She lingered by the door for a minute and walked into the room. I looked over at John, and he just nodded at me, because we both knew what that statement and linger meant. It came off as an invitation, opportunity, and a very calculated risk. (Wait… I could barely speak, I couldn’t calculate shit.)

What was I to do?