You Dating Sites Aren’t Even Trying, Are You?

A few years back, not long after I ceremoniously dumped my ex-wife of the “lowering herself onto random manhood” kind, I decided that I was lonely and thought that I’d like to meet some new ladies. It took all of fourteen seconds for my friends at the time to recommend online dating, and after reading the many success stories online, and on blogs that will remain nameless…ahem…I dove in cock first with the hope that somewhere, somehow, a filly would grab hold and caress for dear life.

I think the key phrase that describes my results would be, “a total fucking disaster”. And no, I did not use the above site.

We all know that people who put themselves out there on dating sites lie like Kim Kardashian on silk Reggie Bush encrusted sheets. That is no secret. From body size, to weight, to occupation and income to penis size, nothing ever measures up to reality and I know that there are 10 disappointing “she told me she was an athlete…but a lineman for the Jets???” stories for every success.

It didn’t take long before I figured out that my odds, time and money we’re better spent at the local boob bar buying dancers heavy-handed Martinis with a roofie mixer than sit and wait for a message from seemingly non-existent ladies. (Note to everyone: Only three people actually exist on Yahoo Personals out of the 100,000 profiles. Me, one woman from Albuquerque and a guy named Jeffery I. Bowelsyndrome. It’s now fact. Because I say so.)

Needless to say, I quit that shit and for the past three years have relied solely on meeting women through ordering pizzas from Fat Tony’s Pizza and Gambling and hoping the delivery person was a) female, b). was mildly attractive and c). did not mind my opening the door with my pants around my ankles and $20 bill tucked into my cock ring.

“C” was not done every time, by the way.

Flash forward to now. I dick around on Facebook a lot in my own version of “Hey…I know you! Didn’t you hump a flag pole with a vat of Crisco in High School?” game. And I’ve noticed more of late that there are sure a lot of ads in the sidebar…dating ads. Like Facebook has joined cahoots with my laptop to remind me that my love life is as active as an old woman’s bowels before buying Activia Yogurt.

But, one thing that really jumps out at me is that it seems like these dating sites aren’t even trying anymore. Their job is to get lonely guys like me to click their link because the “single, hot, 27 year old slender woman that likes to drink Pinot Grigio under the stars” actually looks like she wants ME and me alone. But tell me…

Why did they use a picture of Nancy Kerrigan as that 27 year old the other day? I wish I could have saved that page because I swear it was her. I scrutinized and scrutinized that photo and I know it was…I’m not that stupid you know. I was just plain disgusted. I mean, it’s bad enough that the eHarmony commercials never feature an attractive couple hooking up, but now they put a picture of Nancy Kerrigan circa 1994 as the thumbnail and expect me, a former athlete in my mid-30’s, not to know it was that Mickey Mouse hating bitch?

Goddamn it. Now I know that one of two things are absolutes in this thing called online dating:

1). Every single dating site is nothing but a bunch of lying sacks of shit bullshit artists with zero product that works, kind of like cock pills and Sham Wow or…

2). Nancy Kerrigan is single again and is using the age old online dating tactic of using a 15 year old photo in an attempt to not look like an old hag, even if she still looks like the race horse she was back when Jeff Gillooly went all Mark McGwire on her knee cap.

Either way, put a little effort into it, dating sites. The teens and 20 somethings with hope in their eyes don’t need to know they are being bamboozled…yet.

Anybody want to hook up with me on FB?