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Jul
06

On August 7th the desecration of my childhood will be complete

By: Bobby Finstock on 07/6/09 @ 8:10 am

I will admit I am a sentimental guy. I keep everything… I have my yearbooks from High School, notes from junior high school, and I keep every ticket stub from events I go to. The thing is while I look fondly back on these times and events I have no desire to relive them or recreate the experiences. So it is no surprise that when it comes to toys or other things I enjoyed as a child, while I fondly remember these items, I have no desire to have them brought back and transformed into a movie or whatever.  (Unless it involves a girl recreating the 1989 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue pose for pose, it hold a special place in my heart…and spank bank.)

In the last decade I have come to the realization that almost every single thing I enjoyed as a child has been destroyed. Let’s take a look of each love that has been destroyed.

1) Star Wars

My Fond Memories: I had almost every imaginable Star Wars toy growing up. I remember getting the Millennium Falcon for my birthday one year and totally freaking out. Also I remember the hard choice of putting battle damage stickers on my X-Wing fighter or not. Additionally I remember where I was when I saw each and every movie for the first time.

How it was ruined:

jar-jar

2) Transformers

My Fond Memories: Every Christmas my parents would give me a catalog from a department store and I would circle things that I wanted. We really didn’t leave near a store where I saw a lot of toys and I didn’t watch a ton of TV so I didn’t know what was out there. One year Transformers made a line of bugs that transformed, I freaked out and thought they were the greatest thing ever. In the catalog they were listed for like 8 bucks each and I thought that was a ton of money. For weeks I debated for which one to ask for and when Christmas rolled around I got all three, it absolutely blew my mind.

How it was ruined: A scantily clad Megan Fox is not able to outweigh the pure shittiness of Transformers 2. I have made no secret on my distaste for most of Michael Bay’s movies; he relies on the same shots in every movie, the same plot elements, and creates movies with the depth of a Free Credit Report television commercial. I sat through Transformers 2 the other day out of sheer boredom and I hated myself for doing it, going to the movies should never lead to shelf loathing unless it is in a porn theatre.

3) Eddie Murphy

My Fond Memories: Watching “The Best of Eddie Murphy on SNL” and “Beverly Hills Cop” being my first R rated movie.

How he was ruined: Maybe it was the trannie hooker, maybe it was the run of Disney movies, or maybe it was a drug fueled album produced by Rick James. I can’t exactly place my finger on it.

4)  Baseball

My Fond Memories: I collected baseball cards as a kid and was a walking baseball encyclopedia. This held true until I discovered breasts.

How it was ruined: Between the World Series being canceled in 1994, Barry Bonds, and the revelation that even the bats boys were shooting steroids into their asses over the last decade I kind of lost interest.

5)  GI Joe

My Fond Memories: Eventually I transitioned from Star Wars into GI Joe after buying a ton of figures at a garage sale from my neighbor. I spent hours playing with GI Joe toys with one of the kids down the street.

How it was ruined: I haven’t seen the new GI Joe movie but the reviews that are coming in aren’t very positive. Plus Marlon Wayans figures prominently in the movie. Besides a throw in roll in “I’m Gonna Get You Sucka” there isn’t a Marlon Wayans movie worth watching, even worse is the shit that he has written. Oh by the way, Marlon, fuck you for making a “Scary Movie 5”. There is a less than zero chance that this movie has any potential of being good. While I have no problem watching Sienna Miller walk around in leather and other kinky garb it isn’t enough to make me want to watch this.

The only things I have left are Construx, Bunnicula, Encyclopedia Brown books, and the A-team… well the A-Team will be destroyed in 2010.

What memory from your childhood has been ruined?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

15 Responses to “On August 7th the desecration of my childhood will be complete”

  1. Fiona says:

    WHAT?!?! They are gonna fuck with the A-Team now too???

    Damnit, Face had better be a hottie…. is it odd I had a crush on Murdock too?

  2. Raeann says:

    When they make those stupid live action movies of cartoons and books, it always takes a bit of my childhood away from me. Have you ever seen this video, I play it to death because it’s so true.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wzDIClx-_pY

  3. kate says:

    common as b.a? i can’t see it. i can see terry crews playing the part

  4. Meghan says:

    Actually…that’s one thing you can stop bringing back from my former years…A Wayans Brother.Any of them.

    The Untouchables Prequel?! The untouchables was my first crime movie of any merit and I can’t imagine who will play young Capone.

  5. Uncle Finstock says:

    Ruined memories from my childhood…the whole ordeal (being a blood relative of mine, you know the drill)

  6. Meghan says:

    Of course I just saw a sign for a GI Joe Slurpee. The GI Joes from back in the day would not be caught fishing their mouths around for a straw in battle.

  7. Fred Palowakski says:

    Well, now I know this movie’ll suck ass. And knowing is half the battle.

  8. Olyn says:

    Wow, Bunnicula! I haven’t thought of that in years.
    Um, I used to love the Babysitter’s Club when I was a little girl. They ruined the books too with a shitty series and awful actors.
    But The Boxcar Children live on.

  9. Sam says:

    I am surprised that no one has mentioned one of the worst things they are going to ruin. That would be the Remake of The Never Ending Story. That movie was a staple of my childhood. I loved that movie, and they feel the need to take this classic and remake it?

  10. guestofroom2002 says:

    WOMEN RUINED MOVIES!!!!

    WOMEN RUINED THE MOVIE “300″
    SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO SEND HELP TO HER HUSBAND
    BUT SHE JUST GOT RAPED

    WOMEN SOME SAY IS “ART” (men who are drunk on women)
    THEN THAT’S THE REASON
    WOMEN ARE OBJECTS WITH A BRAIN
    THAT’S “SKYNET” DANGEROUS

    MY POINT IS IF PEOPLE DIDNT WANT TO WATCH BARONESS
    AND FOCUS ON HER
    MARLON WAYANS WOULDNT BE SO NOTICABLE AS BEING BAD
    IF THIS GI JOE IS AN ALL MAN FILM
    IT WILL BE MORE OF ITS GAY
    NOT THAT ITS RUIN..
    WOMEN THEY ARE PLANNING SOMETHING

  11. Goodfella says:

    Umm…wasn’t Ripcord a white guy? And who the hell decided to make Cobra Commander look more like Darkman from that 90’s movie?

    Duke, if I remember correctly, should be in about his late 30’s maybe early 40’s. I think the only people that seem to fit their rolls are General Hawk and Snake-Eyes.

    Transformers 2…….ok the shot of John Turturro’s thong, Wheelie humping Megan Fox’s leg, the dogs humping, and pretty much any scene with Sam’s parents..please. The Autobots cringed in the cartoon whenever they saw the Constructicons merge to form Devastator; now he’s been reduced to a gorilla-looking piece of trash that has a set of testicles. And why didnt Sam just use that piece of the Allspark that he found in his shirt to revive Optimus the way those Decepitcons revived Megatron? Why in the hell would the government shut down the Autobot operations leaving humans alone to deal with the Decepticons, when they can barely dent their armor?

    The government some how covered up the fact that giant robots had a free for all in the middle of a populated city where people got hurt, perhaps killed, and millions of dollars in damage was caused, yet it was just a rumor?

    One thing I hated from the first film the most was the battle scenes involving the robots; the camera was so close you couldnt tell what was happening or who was hitting who. A few shots, like the Optimus/Bonecrusher battle or when the soldiers were fighting Brawl were ruined; we saw more of the backs of the people’s heads than we did the robots. They rectify that just a teenie bit in this movie, but not by much.

    One last thing on TF2….Bumblebee decided ” I didnt like the geeky voice they stuck me with at the end of the first movie, so I’ll damage my vocal processors again..”

    I didn’t know they were remaking the NeverEnding Story…another gem from my childhood they will just butcher. It ain’t the same without Barret Oliver and Noah Hathaway. The two sequels just dont exist to me.

    The A-Team? Umm….no. No one can match Dirk Benedict’s charm, Dwight Schultz’s craziness, Mr. T’s bad-ass no-nonsense attitude, or Goerge Peppard’s saviness and his multiple disguises…prolly gonna be a worthless teen movie.

    Don’t even get me started on the supposed “Karate Kid” remake.

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