I will admit I am a sentimental guy. I keep everything… I have my yearbooks from High School, notes from junior high school, and I keep every ticket stub from events I go to. The thing is while I look fondly back on these times and events I have no desire to relive them or recreate the experiences. So it is no surprise that when it comes to toys or other things I enjoyed as a child, while I fondly remember these items, I have no desire to have them brought back and transformed into a movie or whatever. (Unless it involves a girl recreating the 1989 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue pose for pose, it hold a special place in my heart…and spank bank.)
In the last decade I have come to the realization that almost every single thing I enjoyed as a child has been destroyed. Let’s take a look of each love that has been destroyed.
1) Star Wars
My Fond Memories: I had almost every imaginable Star Wars toy growing up. I remember getting the Millennium Falcon for my birthday one year and totally freaking out. Also I remember the hard choice of putting battle damage stickers on my X-Wing fighter or not. Additionally I remember where I was when I saw each and every movie for the first time.
How it was ruined:
My Fond Memories: Every Christmas my parents would give me a catalog from a department store and I would circle things that I wanted. We really didn’t leave near a store where I saw a lot of toys and I didn’t watch a ton of TV so I didn’t know what was out there. One year Transformers made a line of bugs that transformed, I freaked out and thought they were the greatest thing ever. In the catalog they were listed for like 8 bucks each and I thought that was a ton of money. For weeks I debated for which one to ask for and when Christmas rolled around I got all three, it absolutely blew my mind.
How it was ruined: A scantily clad Megan Fox is not able to outweigh the pure shittiness of Transformers 2. I have made no secret on my distaste for most of Michael Bay’s movies; he relies on the same shots in every movie, the same plot elements, and creates movies with the depth of a Free Credit Report television commercial. I sat through Transformers 2 the other day out of sheer boredom and I hated myself for doing it, going to the movies should never lead to shelf loathing unless it is in a porn theatre.
3) Eddie Murphy
My Fond Memories: Watching “The Best of Eddie Murphy on SNL” and “Beverly Hills Cop” being my first R rated movie.
How he was ruined: Maybe it was the trannie hooker, maybe it was the run of Disney movies, or maybe it was a drug fueled album produced by Rick James. I can’t exactly place my finger on it.
My Fond Memories: I collected baseball cards as a kid and was a walking baseball encyclopedia. This held true until I discovered breasts.
How it was ruined: Between the World Series being canceled in 1994, Barry Bonds, and the revelation that even the bats boys were shooting steroids into their asses over the last decade I kind of lost interest.
5) GI Joe
My Fond Memories: Eventually I transitioned from Star Wars into GI Joe after buying a ton of figures at a garage sale from my neighbor. I spent hours playing with GI Joe toys with one of the kids down the street.
How it was ruined: I haven’t seen the new GI Joe movie but the reviews that are coming in aren’t very positive. Plus Marlon Wayans figures prominently in the movie. Besides a throw in roll in “I’m Gonna Get You Sucka” there isn’t a Marlon Wayans movie worth watching, even worse is the shit that he has written. Oh by the way, Marlon, fuck you for making a “Scary Movie 5”. There is a less than zero chance that this movie has any potential of being good. While I have no problem watching Sienna Miller walk around in leather and other kinky garb it isn’t enough to make me want to watch this.
The only things I have left are Construx, Bunnicula, Encyclopedia Brown books, and the A-team… well the A-Team will be destroyed in 2010.
What memory from your childhood has been ruined?