Parental Cliques?! OMG…That’s sooo ghey!
First off, let me start by saying thanks to the awesome and sexy folks at Pointless Banter for letting me be a guest blogger. Smooch..smooch..yum.
Now, I’m a stay at home Dad. No really. And this allows me to play a part in my kid’s lives traditionally reserved for the ladies. Whatever, I’m cool with it. I guess technically I would be considered a “Work at Home Dad” since I run my own company out of my house but it’s freaking impossible to get any work done with the yelling and stomping and over-all mayhem of my two daughters. For the sake of privacy, I’ll just call them “Wingus” and “Dingus”.
This year, Dingus started Kindergarten at the school down the road. We had just moved here so this was a pretty exciting day for both of us. When we arrived at the school, I told Dingus to go play with the other kids on the playground for a minute while I scoped out the other parents. As I stood in the middle of the school grounds, I scanned the sea of parental units just waiting to dump little Logan and little Caitlin into the abyss. That’s when I noticed it. I sensed something, a presence I’ve not felt since….High School.
Cliques.
Parental Cliques, are you fucking kidding me?! There must have been Seven to Ten Mini-“Borg Collectives” filled with parents all jabbering about each other. No joke. There were all kinds, you name it…I saw it. There were the Range Rover Parents, the Ford F150 Parents, and the Hybrid car parents. Then there’s the Way to involved with the School Parents, the Nothing else matters but Sports Dads, and the Mom’s that just can’t come to grips with the fact that they are not 21 they’re 41 and should stop dressing like a whore. Now I just had to see this up close so I put on my shades and pretended to talk on my cell phone while I strolled in and out of the buzzing hives, trying desperately not to call attention to myself for fear of assimilation.
The shit that poured out of these people’s mouths blew my mind! Grown-ups talking smack about other grown-ups, their kids, the teachers…it was…let me put it this way; I wouldn’t have been surprised if a goddamn DeLorean came flying out of nowhere with Doc Brown screaming “Let’s go Marty, we gotta get back! We messed up the future and now everyone’s a giant Douche!” Seriously…for like a second there, I thought that might happen. C’mon, it would have been cool.
After several minutes passed I started to slowly back away. And that’s when I noticed something else. Out of all the parents gathered that morning, not one of them was playing with their kid. These little terrified kids, who had no clue of what the hell was going on, were just standing there staring at other little strange and bewildered faces. So I decided to do what I always did in High School. I said, Fuck it!
I took off my shades, put the cell away and chased my little Dingus around the playground until I had chest pains. I occasionally glanced over at the other parents, and noticed most of them had a look on their puss like they just smelt the most horrific fart ever produced by man. But I didn’t care. They could all take the A-train up my ass. Dingus was happy to play with her Daddy and that’s all that mattered. So I chased her around some more until I damn near puked.
Side Note: If I hear one more Mom call their son “Bud” or “Buddy” I’m going to chew my own nuts off. When I was a kid, my Mom called me Steve or on occasion, sweetie or when she was drinking, Dave.
Excellent guest post, guest person.
When I Nanny I run playground laps around the elite Mommy circles I come in contact with and they think the sun shines out of my ass.
They also think more about their cabinets being redone than whether their children are well adjusted, but that’s another story.
I tend not to hang with other parents. If you have say the wrong carseat some of them go ballistic and think you are abusing your child.
Clique mentality isn’t just restricted to the US of A; we have it over here in the United Kingdom as well. This is why I never take my kids to school. It’s not about me shirking responsibility; I just can’t visualise having to deal with that shit without having first smoked a big fat bowl.
This really makes me look forward to having kids. I’m always the one that pisses the uptight people off by not caring either.
Parents or not, people always form gangs. Not real gangs, more like the 1950s silk blazer gangs like the “Hooligans” or “Biff’s Boys.” Just think of these douchebags as your anchored-down beer snobs, audiophiles, Nancy Grace fans, and indie kids.
The funny part is that these cliques are meaningless. Once the kids start making friends, the parental groups will shift anyway.
Haha! Great post!
So this is what I have to look forward to in the fall huh? :\
I like you, anonymous guest blogger.
“Doc Brown screaming ‘Let’s go Marty, we gotta get back! We messed up the future and now everyone’s a giant Douche’” nearly had me peeing myself, as did the very last sentence.
5 thumbs up.
Totally agree.
Parents at the park terrify me. I avoid them at all costs, while judging each one silently. I judge, they ignore their kids.
Works for me.
http://www.inanethingswomenlove.wordpress.com
Thanks for the kind words, peeps! It was a real eye-opener to see that you can never be to too old to be a wanker.
School starts again in a couple of months. Here we go again!
Ok, now u are finally talking about something of real interest to me. Is this a Private School? I bet it is just from the cars you mentioned. These mothers that hate their daughters because when they dress as whores they look good and the mothers look like Hags! My favorite one is the mother that parks her BMW in the handicap space, and when you say something to her she tells you that her husband is some doc or attorney and you should realize that she is SPECIAL!
D-Willy- No, it’s not a private school, just a regular public school with it’s share of pretentious Jackasses.
I know what you mean about the BMW in the handicap space. I get that here too. Pisses me off to no end.
I wish I could be as “special” as those people.
This posting made me smile and cheered me up today. I foolishly helped out with my daughter’s school PTA (cue Psycho theme tune) and was irked to find out that all I am to them is a useful foot soldier to go do the crap jobs assigned to me to fund raise for some pointless thing or another that they (the holy trinity of the PTA) have set their sights on. They are NOT interested in my ideas and I (a usually confident person) heard my own voice drifting off into nothingness as my suggestions were machine gunned down without mercy. Gawd. I should have known better than to get involve with these women (why is it always women?) – and am keeping a healthy distance from all things school related in the future. Puh!