Fuck Yo Couch
I have been on this planet thirty-two years and besides a bed I have avoided buying a major piece of furniture. (Although I have purchased major appliances.) For some reason whenever I had roommates couches just appear in our apartment like they grew on trees or were easy to steal off of porches. Whatever the case may be we always had one. A year and a half ago when I moved to Buffalo when it came time to purchase furniture I went with a futon because I knew I wasn’t going to be in that apartment long. (Who knew it would be less than 8 months?) It was the right choice at the time.
I want the couch not the snaggle toothed jailbait.
A few weeks ago I brought a date home and I caught a lot of shit for having a futon. Personally I believe that me having a futon was a key factor in her choice not to get naked with me. It caused me to reevaluate my life, my possessions, and the fact that there is no reason to have a futon at my age. So this weekend I did what every other suburban living person does on the weekend, I shopped.
I have to start out by saying that I know nothing about shopping for pieces of furniture. Semi important things like: What fabric, size, lining, legs, and other valuable pieces of information are all questions I couldn’t answer. Frankly I didn’t care if I could answer those questions anyway. My process involved two criteria:
1) Can I fall asleep on it while watching a crappy reality TV show?
2) Is the color close to my other crap where it doesn’t make it so my living room was put together by an asshole?
Unshaven, slightly hung over, wearing a wrinkled shirt, with flip-flops on my feet I headed to a major furniture store. So there I was walking around the showroom randomly flopping down on couches trying to measure the nap–ability factor. I was totally looking like a homeless dude trying to squeeze off a couple of z’s.
Finally when I made my choice I had to find a salesperson, which when looking like a homeless dude is very hard to do. As couples and families walked through the stores the sales people basically jumped out of the woodwork. In fact I think they hid out in armoires looking through the peephole waiting for their target customers to come by.
So I cornered a reluctant salesperson and we went through the full ranges of sales emotion.
Me: Could I get some help please?
Him: (This dude doesn’t have money.) How can I help you?
Me: I want this couch right here in this color. When can I get it by?
Him: (Oh wait he wants to buy now. But he probably wants to apply for a store credit card, which he won’t get.) Would you like to apply for our store credit card?
Me: No, I will just pay for it straight out.
Him: You know for $63 you can get stain resistant coating and a warranty that protects against rips, tears, and wear and tear.
Me: (What happens if I am lying on the couch hung over and crap myself… Or if Rick James rises from the dead and comes over?)
Yeah put me down for that.
Him: (He wants the stain guard, nobody buys that. I think I just came in my pants.) Thank you sir.
So in 4-7 weeks I will be the proud owner of a new couch. Looks like I need to call someone for a third date and test out that stain guard.
Is there anything more boring that shopping for furniture… other than reading about it?
Welcome to adulthood. It sucks.
Yeah I am not sure if I am a fan of it.
>>>wearing a wrinkled shirt, with flip-flops on my feet
Were you shopping at a “no shirt, no shoes, no service” store? Does this mean you had no pants on? That could explain the lack of salesmen. btw – where else do you sometimes wear your flip-flops besides your feet?
So many question burning in the minds of Americans on a Monday morning.
Cheers
Yeah the descriptive process probably would have been better if I included the fact I was wearing shorts…
Also you would be surprised what else you can do with flip flops.
Of course you still have to call them and admit the couch is somehow soiled in case the stain guard fails you. I’d hate to be part of that customer care team.
that is always an awkward call…. wait um… not that I know
The answer to the “How was it stained?” question is always “I was babysitting my nephew.
You live in Buffalo??
I am in search of a dining room table. I have procrastinated so much that my son said “Mom, can you just get the table so we can stop eating over the sink?”
Mother of the year nominations can be submitted to my e-mail…
So, what color is the couch?
I lived in Buffalo. I am in Boston now…. Moving four times in like 18 months kind of confuses everyone.
It is a dark brown couch… Comfy.
At least you guys weren’t eating in bed… That would be creepy.
Errr… that’s gonna be right in time for my visit, isn’t it… fuuuuck.
If I get it at the earliest date….
You know you really, really need all the stain-resistance you can get, because you and I both know you’re going to be watching a different kind of “reality” show most of the time.
… and by that I mean “rock of love”, of course, which will induce vomit.
I also meant porn.
Or could it be porn with Daisy from the Rock of Love which would induce both fluids coming out at the same time?
I laughed so hard at this one that I spit up on my own couch. What’s the name of that stain-guard and does it work after-the-fact?
I guess there is only one way to find out of it works after the fact. I am sending the stain guard people to your house immediately.
Yeah I probably wouldn’t have sex with a dude over the age of 30 who still had a futon. I mean, yeah it made sense to get it but still. Futons aren’t hot.
Also, I like reading about buying furniture. Don’t judge me.
Oh I know they aren’t hot… why do you think I am getting rid of this.
You live in Buffalo? I do as well, and you could have your pick of stained (supposedly resistant) couches on most curbs on “big trash” day. Could have saved a ton of money… except for the doctor bills to get rid of the crabs.
I live in Boston now…
Crabs is always… uh.. tasty?
We are in the process of buying a fridge, stove and dining table, we already bought the couch. Being an adult stinks. We are keeping the futon…………
wait….
I’m referring to myself and the man as “we”, please shoot me.
I figured it was you and your cats
I still plan on being an angry old cat lady, but this damned man is so ….. likable… he’s ruining it all. I don’t even have a cat anymore.
OMG! You mean you didn’t search for a couch at Big Lots!?!?!?!?!?!?
You know the history with me and Big Lots… I am never setting foot in there again
You know you secretly wanted to go back in there for a couch.