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My Mom Joined Facebook, The Beginning Of The End

By: Bobby Finstock on 06/16/09 @ 7:46 am

(After yesterday’s tragic news of my mother joining Facebook Part 2 of my series on people that are just as unlikeable as Kobe Bryant will continue tomorrow.)

Dear Mom,

I never thought the day would come where I would have to welcome you to Facebook. Since you added me last night I went through a process which included depression, denial, drinking, and it would usually would include debauchery but it was only a Monday night, I save my debauchery for later in the week. Now I know you know about the blog and the mild success that it has had. When you found out that 2 million people read my blog in 2006 you asked to make sure I wasn’t writing about family, which I haven’t.

That has been one of steadfast rules I have held for the most part. I never wrote how you tied me to a chair as a child, with duct tape, dousing me in gasoline, and dancing around to “Stuck in the Middle” by Stealers Wheel after hitting my sister in the head with a golf ball. Watch the reenactment.

Come to think of it maybe I just had to sit in my room in the corner for a weekend; either would be just as traumatic.

Well anyway you are on Facebook now, able to see my interaction with my friends, strangers, stalkers, and get a direct line into my status updates. Now on occasion there will be words and phrases that you see and will not have a clue what they mean. Phrases like:
-Space Docking
-Cincinnati Bow Tie
-Hot Carl

I beg of you not to get curious and Google them.

Also you will see a lot of comments from people like, “Remember that time I shoved a parking cone up your ass.” Or other really outlandish things like that. First off I just want to say a parking cone has never been near the rear end you diapered so many times in your lifetime. I think you would be proud to know I go by the exit only philosophy. (Except one time with this girl in Albany, but I was REALLY drunk.)

In closing I just want you to know everything is fine. That you shouldn’t believe everything you read on my Facebook page. And do NOT friend anyone that is on my profile, they are all sick and perverted people that have major psychological issues. They have worked for years attempting to corrupt me but it hasn’t worked. Your favorite child is still a good boy.

With Love,
Your Son


About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

15 Responses to “My Mom Joined Facebook, The Beginning Of The End”

  1. Sarahh says:

    I thought the Steve Miller Band sang that song. I think I missed the point here.

    Actually I read an article about an older generation twittering and facebooking and the question asked was it the death of it?

    Yes. It most certainly is.

    Why? Because it is no longer a group of people having fun. It is still a useful tool for reunions, keeping up with people, etc etc. But the fun has died. When I am afraid to say something on my social networking site, the thrill is gone.

    Just my .02

  2. Caroline says:

    Awww . . . this is an opportunity for you and your mommy to *bond*. This new development will only bring you closer! Alternatively, you can always customize your facebook so that your mother, specifically, can’t see various features of your profile, such as, well, everything.

    • Rick says:

      That’s all well and good … unless his mother is remotely computer-literate. Otherwise, she’ll wonder, “Why can I no longer see my son’s facebook pictures? What is he hiding from me? Should I confront him about it forcefully because he might be doing crimes, or carefully at dinner in case he’s suicidal?”

      • Caroline says:

        In which case, he should be able to tell her, with all sincerity, that Facebook is much like real life . . . he is an adult now, and there are just some things she doesn’t need to know, or get to know.

  3. Sarah says:

    why did your mom join facebook? my mom did to and all she does is read and ask a billion questions about things i write. i think im gonna delete her.

  4. Karl Rove says:

    I’ve had old high school teachers friend request me. It’s so awkward. But I just block them from being able to read my notes or see some other things I post.

  5. Dave says:

    My mom is on Facebook, too. I merely put her in a group I call, “People who infuriate me and drive me to kill innocent puppies”. Oh, you’re in that group, too.

  6. HA Guy says:

    My mom gave me the courtesy of telling me a few days in advance that she planned to join facebook. So I created a fake facebook page to keep her from the nonsense that appears on my real page. Of course, now she thinks I’m a friendless, unpopular loser and she brags on the fact that she has a 100+ more friends than me….but it’s better this way…..right?

  7. SteamGeek says:

    Oddly, it appears Zoe Brock deleted her MySpace page the last day or so. Too. Oddly.

  8. tracy chapman says:

    friends with my
    kids…but my partner
    is not…so was fun to
    see what his daughter
    posted on my daughter’s page


  9. Dude. That scene from Reservoir Dogs is awesome. No debate.

  10. rj says:

    my mom just added me three or four days ago everytime i logged in i wonder if i should add her or not. it went through my head over and over until i got fed up with it and added her. So the question now is what if she keeps pushing you to this do that stay away from blah blah blah and you ended up deleting her? what would happen next lol…

  11. TimtheRockstar says:

    Here is a tip. Put her in a f*$cking list, set all your status, wall and all the rest of that crap to allow, except for these, add that list. Then get the fuck over it, she cant see it.

    Don’t be a douche all beating your chest how you write for 2million+ people on the internet, but lack the basic knowledge of Facebook Privacy (which has made national news in the last few weeks) on how to turn this crap of.

    If you would have just done this, then you would not have broken your not-so-steadfast rule of talking about family.

    • Hey Tim you douche… I of course now the privacy settings and deployed them but what fucking fun would it be to write about that.

      You aren’t a rockstar…. You are mentally slow.

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