(After yesterday’s tragic news of my mother joining Facebook Part 2 of my series on people that are just as unlikeable as Kobe Bryant will continue tomorrow.)
I never thought the day would come where I would have to welcome you to Facebook. Since you added me last night I went through a process which included depression, denial, drinking, and it would usually would include debauchery but it was only a Monday night, I save my debauchery for later in the week. Now I know you know about the blog and the mild success that it has had. When you found out that 2 million people read my blog in 2006 you asked to make sure I wasn’t writing about family, which I haven’t.
That has been one of steadfast rules I have held for the most part. I never wrote how you tied me to a chair as a child, with duct tape, dousing me in gasoline, and dancing around to “Stuck in the Middle” by Stealers Wheel after hitting my sister in the head with a golf ball. Watch the reenactment.
Come to think of it maybe I just had to sit in my room in the corner for a weekend; either would be just as traumatic.
Well anyway you are on Facebook now, able to see my interaction with my friends, strangers, stalkers, and get a direct line into my status updates. Now on occasion there will be words and phrases that you see and will not have a clue what they mean. Phrases like:
-Cincinnati Bow Tie
I beg of you not to get curious and Google them.
Also you will see a lot of comments from people like, “Remember that time I shoved a parking cone up your ass.” Or other really outlandish things like that. First off I just want to say a parking cone has never been near the rear end you diapered so many times in your lifetime. I think you would be proud to know I go by the exit only philosophy. (Except one time with this girl in Albany, but I was REALLY drunk.)
In closing I just want you to know everything is fine. That you shouldn’t believe everything you read on my Facebook page. And do NOT friend anyone that is on my profile, they are all sick and perverted people that have major psychological issues. They have worked for years attempting to corrupt me but it hasn’t worked. Your favorite child is still a good boy.