The Electrical Properties of My Crap
Personally I am not someone that believes in a bunch of mumbo jumbo. Bigfoot doesn’t exist, Richard Gere never had a gerbil in his ass, and you can’t die from Pop Rocks and Pepsi mixing together. (Although I believe it cures Herpes.) However just because I don’t believe in that garbage doesn’t mean I disrespect the mystical powers I have, like the time Big Lots pissed me off and a plane crashed near one of their stores.
In Spiderman someone said that, “With great powers comes great responsibility.” (I think that happened before Spiderman got his mask caught on Kirsten Dunsts’s snaggle tooth.) So ever since that incident with Big Lots I haven’t laid the smack down on anyone or any company. Sure some people might point out that it was a total coincidence that all of this occurred but I beg to differ.
Today it was revealed to me that not only do I have the ability to get revenge on large faceless corporations but my crap has amazing electrical properties. Last night I went and saw Jenny Lewis at the House of Blues, where I drank a healthy amount of beer. Today my stomach fought back and decided to evacuate everything that wasn’t glued down in my lower intestine. (Thankfully the new Sports Illustrated came in the mail today.)
While making one of my 17 trips to the restroom today I had to “strain” a bit kind of like a women making that last push while having a child. When I did that one of the light bulbs in the bathroom mirror blew. I was amazed that the power of my ass made a light bulb explode. Quickly my excitement dissipated when I figured that it was just a coincidence. A few minutes went by, I read an article about the Stanley Cup Finals and it was time for me to make a push again.
As soon as the slightest hint of a strain came across my face another light bulb crackled and went off. I felt like Roy Hobbs in the “Natural” except Barbara Hershey didn’t awkwardly attempt to seduce me before shooting me.
If something happens once it is a coincidence if it happens twice it is reality. So I am now convinced that my crap has magic electrical powers that cause lights to blow. There is only one way to properly test this out. I need to take a shit at Fenway Park, if they have to call the game because I destroyed all the lighting in the stadium then I may be onto something.
How powerful is my shit?
You really had to taint the wonderfully perfect petal plucking guitar strumming Jenny Lewis with a shit story?
I said ‘taint’.
I think you inadvertently tainted my blog.
AWESOME! I once willed the Universe to surprise me … and it did, with rodents. I won’t be testing the Universe again anytime soon.
Sometimes you just don’t want to test fate.
This reminds me of the time I found out that every time I fart, an old lady dies. However, I’m not sure this is either a coincidence OR a super-power.
There should be a study commissioned.
That’s some mighty poop you got there. Do the Fenway experiment when Youkilis is batting, wouldja? Maybe that will lead to him getting beaned or something.
And I’m still on the fence about the Richard Gere/Gerbil thing.
Well you certainly are full of enough of it to control the powers that be…your grandfather once annihilated a German platoon with a controlled movement…no wait, he was in a tank…never mind
watch out, they might even take you to Irak…
Man, that’s one heinous anus.
Sometimes Bobby, you’re balancing right out there on the edge of the precipice. You make me laugh and groan at the same time. We need to get you thinking in a whole new direction because every time you get bored you come up with outrageous shit. No pun intended. But do try out the Fenway Park theory and let us know. Toodles and as always your invitation to stop by is always open. Great weekend!
If you want the power to take out a stadium you better stop by Taco Bell and McDonalds on the way.