General Rules For When You Meet Me
For those of you who don’t know I am going to Chicago this weekend for a conference for work where I am going to be speaking. On Saturday night I decided to hold a get together, which you can still register for here. I have only met groups of people off of the Internet that read pointlessbanter.net twice, once at the original launch party in Los Angeles. (I don’t think anyone was actually there to see me, they were all there to see a female that shall not be named.) Then I met a couple of people while in Las Vegas for a conference.
Note: This doesn’t count the time I was recognized while out in public once or individual meetings with people that all attempted to slip me roofies.
Because of these encounters I have decided to create a few ground rules. This is so we can all have a fun, safe, and special time. Now I want to be clear, I don’t think I am important or internet famous or better than anyone… but these need to be followed at all time or you will be promptly thrown out of the establishment.
(For those of you that aren’t going I still think it is important that you read this for future reference.)
-Please make no direct eye contact with me. It makes me feel uncomfortable and weird, please look direct at my chest as if I were Pamela Anderson or at my junk.
-Speaking of my junk… Please do not follow me in the bathroom to get a viewing of “Herman”.
-I need to always be sitting pointed in a Northwest direction.
-No flash photography. The last thing I want is to get a picture with you where it ends up getting photoshopped hundreds of times.
-If you are a passable transvestite please announce it to me ahead of time so there are no mistakes later in the evening. This is a general rule for life isn’t it?
-Please do not show me any pictures of your children.
-Do not get me rip roaring drunk in hopes that I will: get arrested, streak, urinate in public, go to a strip club, pontificate on my Aerosmith is the most overrated band ever, put out, put my thumb through my zipper in my pants to pretend it is a penis, sing, dance, steal a cop car, or let you lick pudding off of me.
-If you want to share your M&M’s with me please remove all the green ones.
Thank you for your consideration in these matters.
You’re a drag…but I see nothing here about not sharing DNA. I’m in.
You don’t want to see pictures of my child? I am OUT.
Actually, I would love to stalk you, but because of the aforementioned child (whose pictures I won’t show you), that will have to wait. Damn it.
See it all fell apart
Foiled by biology.
So lemme see if I got this. Stare at your moobs, wait around awkwardly outside the bathroom instead of going in, video camera so there’s no flash, you prefer non “passable” transvestites, show you dog and cat pictures, you will be supplying the drinks to control your consumption, and keep m&ms hidden so you don’t eat all the non green ones. I think I aced the rules.
So many loopholes….
I was so hoping to get you rip roaring drunk so you would put out. I thought that was the whole idea.
well for you that is totally okay
Listen, your lips said no, but your eyes said yes.
I fear I must decline your fine invitation. When I drink, I need the facilities and I just can’t be waiting around half the night waiting for you to get your crooked dick lined up with the urinal.
But I’m sure it will be a lovely evening.
Cheers
-Do not get me rip roaring drunk in hopes that I will: get arrested, streak, urinate in public, go to a strip club, pontificate on my Aerosmith is the most overrated band ever, put out, put my thumb through my zipper in my pants to pretend it is a penis, sing, dance, steal a cop car, or let you lick pudding off of me.
well I’m glad I don’t live in Chicago because this one is NO fun…
but I’m not far from Boston…maybe I’ll see you near a dark alley and slip you roofies instead
you people are creepy
too may damn rules
who’s the girl in the photo? i want me some of that. will she be there?
GEE, THOSE SOUND A LOT LIKE THE RULES FOR GETTING YOU IN BED.
OOPS.
Damn it. This would have been fun considering that I would have picked up the slack on the public drunkenness rule. I’m not quite the celebrity you are, so I welcome the plenty o’ photoshopped pictures and shit like that.
Hell, you need a roadie, Secret Service and sunglasses…not to mention a lesson in humility…here’s hoping Herman has a safe, disease free weekend