An Open Letter to HBO
Hey HBO,
How are you doing? I have to say that I am a tad worried about you as of late. In fact I think you have revealed yourself this month to be a little manic-depressive. You see I am a loyal subscriber. I pretty much give most of your original programming a chance because of the quality of stuff you put out (Sopranos, Deadwood, The Wire, Band of Brothers, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and Entourage). Hell I will even sit through every episode of True Blood even though if I can’t determine if it is a good show or the biggest piece of crap on television.
With all that being said you can understand that when I say I am concerned about you it is coming from a place of love and friendship. Right now it looks like you are pretty depressed and your theme for the last month was, “If we don’t kill ourselves our viewers will first.”
Why do I think this? Look at the movies you played the most last month.
Do you know where I can get some virgin blood?
1) The Bucket List- A depressing story with the perverted guy that sits courtside at Lakers games and the one dude that drove Miss Daisy around over twenty years ago but has looked the same age in every film since. These two men are on their deathbed and decide to go out in one last blaze of glory, while that part is mildly entertaining you have the grim reaper knocking at their door the entire time. It makes me contemplate my own mortality, which is something I have no desire to do after a long day of work. I would prefer to watch a rerun of “G-String Divas” for the 100th time or at least a rerun of “Eastbound and Down”.
Just wait until we wheel you out on a cart with other dead bodies, it will really cheer everyone up.
2) Schindler’s List- You have played Schindler’s List approximately 120,000 times this month. I am not going to debate the quality of this film as it is ranked eighth out of 100 of the top American Films ever made. It is a film that everyone should watch once in his or her lifetime. If not for the story for the performance of Ralph Fiennes who played the least likeable person ever captured on film. However the depressing nature of the film and the fact that you hate all humanity after you watch it takes an emotional bite out of you every time you view it.
So what do you guys do? You air it everyday at least two times a day making it impossible to avoid. The counter programming on all your other channels is either the Bucket List, Kit Kittredge: An American Girl, or the third movie you repeatedly showed this month…
Yes Rob that is what I say to everyone who made this movie.
3) What Happens in Vegas- Sure “What Happens In Vegas” doesn’t overtly deal with death like the other two movies but it is about the death of freedom of an eligible bachelor that has women coming over to his apartment dressed in various outfits for meaningless sex. If that isn’t depressing enough it stars Ashton Kutcher who kills my brain cells faster than if I was drinking a case of beer while smoking crack, meth, and shooting heroine at the same time. So not only are you depressing me you are draining me of what little intelligence that I have.
When it is all said and done I think you need to seek some therapy HBO. While you are doing that can you just air back-to-back episodes of “Taxi Cab Confessionals”? You owe it to me after this crappy last month.
Thanks
Bobby Finstock
Agreed.
I managed to avoid the Bucket List for the 3 wks I spent home with my family.
“No thanks, Mom. I know it makes you cry but you’re almost 60 and considering I’m in Nowheresville, MI for 3 weeks I’m already thinking about my own death.”
And I feel guilty about turning off Schindlers List. Like if I do I’ll turn around and emaciated Jews will be staring down at me through my window… You know, over their very large noses.
Oy vai.
My favorite part about writing the blog was when I was looking for some info on Schindler’s list and found this:
You probably don’t want to get in a culture wars battle over that movie.
The Holocaust never happened. Just ask facebook or Mel Gibson.
Both, however recently became ‘Fans’ of sugartits, drunken displays of idiocy, and sending drinks to people that want nothing to do with them.
Wait. Meghan. You’re from Nowheresville, MI? That’s amazing as I am from Bumblefuck, MI! We’re practically neighbors! Let’s hit the Landshark! The Omar’s!
Also, I am a fan of sugartits, drunken displays of idiocy AND pissing myself.
Finally, Finstock, I watched Schindler’s List five times last month alone on HBO. Couldn’t avoid it. “What Happens in Vegas” I avoided like the chew spit encrusted mouth of an Alabama hooker. And we all know how hard it is to avoid them.
Holy shit, I’m from Bumblefuck MI too! Although the Landshark is in EAST Bumblefuck, you know
I actually live in WEST Bumblefuck, right near the Bumblefuck Mall. Small freaking world, huh?
I just read this to make sure you didn’t shit all over True Blood. You know you love it.
Is HBO also behind that damn Eastbound and Out in Beverly Hills or whatever the hell that show is that you love and I don’t get?
Of course he gets it and you don’t.
He’s white. You’re black.
Must I spell out EVERYTHING for you? Help me, Jebus.
They are still showing what happens in Vegas? They were showing that movie in March and April before I moved out of my apartment and canceled HBO and Showtime.
I am torn as to whether I want to bring those two stations back to my cable box. i mean I love HBO and Showtime but Entourage and Weeds really let me down after last season and although I love Eastbound and Down I don’t know if I can spend the money just for one show.
Ah, HBO. Home to once great shows like Six Feet Under and Big Love. One about a family too close to death. The other about a man getting close to God through many vaginas.
Now we have to get ready for the cool new stuff like Hung, a show about a gym teacher who consoles women with his ginormous penis.
I was successful in avoiding What Happens in Vegas, but not Schindler’s List or Kung Fu Panda or Harold & Kumar Escape… Variety is the name of the game, not maximum repitition.
Excellent analysis..it has been dreadful. I’ve avoided HBO like the Plague after seeing that the “Bucket”film was on twice..lol. Thank you!
Isn’t there a show getting ready to come on HBO called ‘Hung’? About a well-endowed struggling high school basketball coach who figures out a way to use his best asset?
It is my life-story.
In Bizarroworld.
I am holding out for TrueBlood Season II, Big Love, and HUNG. Big penis show? Yes, I will be in attendance.
I mean, blood suckers, Mormons, and large penises do thrill my DVR. I have enough on there to avoid any Bucket Lists, 27 Dresses, or any depressing documentaries on Alzheimer’s. Which may be informative and touching, but not really blood, Mormons, and penises.
Oh, and for some morbid reason I love “In Treatment” as well.
Reminds me of “Rome” (another great HBO series).
Atia: A large penis is always welcome!
I find that What Happens In Vegas is also a movie about death… if only because you spend the entire movie thinking about various ways to off yourself so as not to have to suffer through it any more. (This, of course, assumes that you just ate your weight in chicken wings and, having been rendered immobile, can not reach the remote which has somehow wound up just beyond your reach).
Oh, and True Blood rocks. Nearly-naked chicks. Nearly-naked guys. Sex. What more do you want?
Perhaps you should give up on HBO and go to Cinemax, where none of the above mentioned movies are playing, but The Witches Of Breastwick and Co-Ed Confidential 3 run on a loop. Here is the scheduling link in case you need it:
http://www.cinemax.com/apps/schedule/ScheduleServlet?CHANNEL=All+Channels&ACTION_SEARCH=SEARCH&KEY=TITLE&VALUE=confidential+3
I’ve tried giving True Blood a chance but Anna Paquin’s character gets on my nerves.
Yeah well, Game of Thrones is (hopefully) coming to HBO. That will blow everything else out of the water. Unfortunately, the awesomeness of it may end up killing us all.
u forgot journey to the center of the earth. i avoided what happens in vegas but got snagged by a few scenes of schindler’s list. once was enough for that movie there is but so much crying my tear ducts cant stand.
I was surprised how much I enjoyed Journey To The Center Of The Earth. I expected to really ahte it. The effects were half-assed, but I still… what? WHAT? I can TOTALLY tell you’re judging me!
…it stars Ashton Kutcher who kills my brain cells faster than if I was drinking a case of beer while smoking crack, meth, and shooting heroine at the same time…
Knew there was a reason I loved you, Finstock, and this is totally it. I watched Personal Effects last night and was rendered even more brain damaged than normal. My husband and I kept watching, waiting for something redeeming. When we thought he died in a McKeesport gutter we cheered, ‘lo it was not to be *gusty sigh*
The Sopranos/The Wire/Six Feet Under have spoiled us. Before then, HBO and all the other premium channels were basically vehicles for softcore porn. Anything we get on those networks that of any actually quality is a blessing.
Wait softcore pron isn’t quality?
Rome was pretty awesome. I always say that real events are more awesome than fiction. See? I just said it!
We had a free weekend of HBO last month. I was happy when it was up. Every time I see Morgan Freeman the first thing that comes to mind if “ohhh Andy”
So in the new series Vince is back on top, loving it so far and as alawys Ari Gold is brilliant!