Fred has re-entered the building

Holy hell it has been a long time. Forty-plus days since I was last here? Sweet Jesus, my how time flies when you are not having fun worrying about your fuckin’ job and having you bosses left foot up your ass so far that it tastes like Hush Puppy Poo.

So rather than just punch in and go on a diatribe about how I think Susan Boyle is giving Simon Cowell the best blowjobs he has ever had, I will hit on a few topics and just ease my way back into the Pointless Banter pond.

Susan Boyle

Speaking of Susan, I don’t quite get the fuss. Don’t get me wrong, Susan Boyle can sing the shit out of 99% of anyone on planet Earth. Her rendition of I Don’t Know the Name Of That One Song Because It Is Ancient on “Britain’s Got Talent” blew me away, and that is no small feat considering that I find fault with everyone’s singing performances outside of my own karaoke nightmares masterpieces, including one recent one involving a twelve pack of Milwaukee’s Best and New Edition’s “Mr. Telephone Man”.

I guess what I mean about the “fuss” is that if anyone thinks for one second that these judges did not know she would come out on stage looking like Miss Field’s and sing her ass off, then you are a complete asshat. Was she good? Yes. Does she deserve the attention is getting? Sure. Just don’t pander to the stupid people of America (see: Bama, -Ala) and tell us that she was a “shock”. But she should have won you bastards.

Hispanic Bottle Return Day

This might be a little regional specific, so all three of you PB readers from the great state of Michigan will completely get this one. The rest of you will have to just hold your breath until I get to my next take, which may or may not include me bashing on PETA.

Today I went into my local grocery store/cheap clothier/Emo Starbucks to return bottles I had drank/collected over the past few weeks. You see, in Michigan, for soda and beer bottles & cans, we get to return them to food places and get $0.10 for each one. This is clearly documented in the Seinfeld episode “The Bottle Deposit”, and before you haul off and say, “that’s fuckin’ sweet, man! Michigan must rock”, know this…

Half of our people are unemployed, every business is bankupt and our governor reminds everyone of the Principal from the movie “Uncle Buck”.

Anyway, we have a huge Hispanic population here, why I don’t know. But we do. And it has become apparent to me that every single Hispanic family in my area considers it great family time to go to their local Meijer on a Sunday and return approximately 1,944 Dos Equis beer cans while the rest of their family runs around thinking the dairy coolers are there for their amusement.

Look. Before you get all huffy and pissy and accuse me of being an insensitive dick hole and a racist, understand this: I love Hispanic cultures. I have lots of Hispanic friends (because this excuse always works, right?). I love them so much I even know there is more than one Hispanic “culture”. I speak Spanish. I love Corona. I love burritos. I love the fact that Hispanic people all have tinted windows and their last names or memorials written into the back of their 1996 Grand Am’s, and they all have tattoo’s in places I didn’t think tattoo artists could legally touch without the courtesy of a reach-around.

Besides I am Polish and we fought the German Army with a Pack Mule and a water pistol and expected to win, so I have no room to talk.

But for the love of all that is holy, please tell Lil’ Pepe to keeps his hands off of my milk while deciding it is good fun to lick the inside glass because it “Se siente mejor que sexo con mi primo”.

PETA

They suck. Any questions? Moving on…

Angelina Jolie and Madonna

Hags. Angelina, how the fuck can you be pregnant every damn week? And if your not pregnant, how the fuck can you be wishing to adopt another kid from some country where “clean drinking water” is considered a liquid that doesn’t have any visible feces floating in it? I say this because you aren’t denying the rumors pasted on the covers of National Enquirer and Star magazines, and if those fish wraps aren’t paragons of literary truth, I don’t know what is.

And Madonna, just because you had a decent number of hit songs dating back to when I eagerly looked under girls skirts by dropping coins and had a Vat of Vaseline under my bed (which might have been yesterday…hmmm), and you now speak with a British accent despite being from DETROIT, that does not give you the right to supercede a nation’s wishes, not to mention laws, to collect another brat from the nation of “Whatarecondoms”.

Both of you. Knock it the fuck off. We live in a country where poor people pro-create all the time in order to get more Gubment money. Adopt one of those kids. Or are our kids here not good enough? Have you seen Detroit lately? It’s a step below “Fecalmatter, Cambodia”. So, if you like those kids, you’ll like ours.

Is there anything else I missed? How the hell have you all been? Finstock…don’t fire me yet.