Ten Worst Celebrity Baby Names
Tu Simone Ayer – On the surface, this is not necessarily a stupid name. Until you realize it is the daughter of Northern Exposure actor Rob Morrow. So the kid’s name? Tu Morrow. Good thing Susan Dey never had a kid named “Yester”, huh? I do admire his boldness, however. What if Bruce Lee had named his kids Ugh and Home? Or Smell and Port? Bleak and Blatant? All right, maybe I’m beating a dead horse with “Bleak and Blatant”, but at least I’m not naming my fucking kid “Tu Morrow”.
Rob, some other bitch, and Tu Morrow
Reignbeau Rhames – Dammit, Ving Rhames! This is how you’re holding down Marsellus Wallace? You can’t roll as deep as you do and then go around naming your kid “Reignbeau”! What does Marsellus Wallace look like? Does he look like a bitch? No? Then why are you runnin’ around namin’ his kids like a bitch?
"911? This is Ving. I named my kid Reignbeau."
Dusti Rain Van Winkle – This unfortunate girl had the distinct disadvantage of being born to Rob Van Winkle AKA Vanilla Ice AKA “The difference between my song and theirs is that mine goes dun dun dun dun dun DUN dun” AKA “Suge Knight hung me from a balcony, no, wait a minute, he didn’t”. There are probably about 15 other AKAs that could be used for him, but I like to remember him as the guy who cried on Ron Jeremy’s shoulder on “Surreal Life”. If he didn’t actually do that, it doesn’t matter, because as far as the world is concerned, he did. The point is, if the kid wasn’t already at a disadvantage being born to a guy whose rap name should really be changed to Yellow Snow, she was also given a name that GUARANTEES she will have a porn career. If “Dusti Rain” isn’t a bonafide (pun intended) porn name, then my name isn’t Gumphauser Beanbarrell McGee. Which it isn’t.
Rob Van Winkle's "Oh" face
Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf-Lee – As many people know by now, Jason Lee is a Scientologist. Since the premise of Scientology (that alien overlord Xenu conquered and killed everyone on Earth a bajillion years ago) was concocted by a known paranoid, psychotic, hypochondriac drug user, you’d expect Jason to swallow some pretty sketchy kool-aid. But when he names his son “Pilot Inspektor”, he proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that someone needs to stop him from breeding. Did he drop that vomit-provoking name on the kid as some sort of destiny thing, hoping the kid will grow up to be a pilot? Or maybe some sort of…inspector? One with a “k”? Is there such thing as someone who inspects pilots? Perhaps L. Ron Hubbard came to him in a dream, naked, pink, sweaty, and leering with latent homosexual lust, claiming all Jason’s thetans will be forever purged should he give his child the abominable name, “Pilot Inspektor”. Or maybe he’s just a fucking idiot.
Jason and Data Analyst Detective Lee
Apple Martin - This poor child is the offspring of Gwyneth Paltrow, who always looked like an alien from the planet WASP until she turned hot in Shallow Hal and smokin’ hot in Iron Man. Apple’s unfortunate sire is none other than Chris “Coldplay” Martin, otherwise known as the Extremely Poor, Deaf, and Dumb Man’s Thom Yorke. If the entire Earth had a vagina, it would be Chris Martin. Or John Mayer. The jury’s still out, but I’m betting that if Chris Martin is the vagina, John Mayer would be the asshole. The point is, even though nothing much is expected from Chris Martin, one would think that the daughter of the still-stunning Blythe Danner would be able to muster something better than “Apple” for her kid’s LIFELONG NAME. Well, if nothing else, it won’t be much of a surprise if the kid ever gets worms.
Apple and The Suck Martin
Fifi Trixibelle Geldof – First off, not too many people outside of Europe (and possibly the UK) know who the hell Bob Geldof was. Is. Most of the people of the last two generations have probably seen Pink Floyd’s “The Wall”, but maybe don’t remember much about it through the fog of marijuana smoke that was inevitably inhaled before viewing. For those people, Bob Geldof was the crazy bastard who shaved off his eyebrows and went all Hitler. Well, apparently he wasn’t just batshit crazy in the movie. He then had to impregnate someone and name the resulting offspring something “unique” and “different”, and “original”, like Fifi Trixibelle. Or, like Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa Geldof, Pixie Geldof, or even Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence Geldof.
Meh.
I really could have pulled any of his kids’ names out of a hat (or my ass) and put them here. While Peaches and Pixie are well-documented public messes, I picked Fifi Trixibelle because she’s also kind of a fat mess.
Definitely a Fifi Trixibelle
This poor child, so stricken by the fact that her name is much more suited to a household pet than a human being, rebelled against her father’s skinny ass by eating him. Okay, so she didn’t eat him, but she ate somebody. Maybe she ate John Mayer’s testicles. Try not to imagine that.
"Yeah, I ate 'em. So what?"
Moxie CrimeFighter Jillette – Because nothing says “Please call Child Protective Services, I am a danger to both my own children and the world” more than naming your kid fucking “Moxie CrimeFighter”. There’s almost no place to go with this name. Penn Jillette, the taller, fatter, and undeniably louder of the ‘comedy magic’ duo “Penn & Teller”, apparently decided to eat an Augustus Gloop-sized helping of ’shrooms when it came time to name his kid. Either that or he had a full-frontal lobotomy and then the first words that came out of his mouth were used to name his kid. What is particularly intriguing is how the “Fighter” is capitalized in the kid’s name. Is it a boy? Is it a girl? Does it fucking matter? No, because unless this kid straps on a cape and beats the shit out of muggers and rapists, people are going to urinate on him/her/it for its ENTIRE LIFE.
"I made a Moxie Crimefighter from my pants."
Indio Falconer Downey – Another victim of what appears to be a celebrity naming their child in some sort of asinine attempt to shape the future career of the kid. But a falconer? I mean, are there really any practical uses for Falconry outside of movies these days? And why Falconry? I mean, falcons are cool, sure, but why not Eaglery? Indio Eagler Downey. That has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? And why keep it confined just to birds? Indio Tigerer Downey. Indio Water Buffaloer Downey. Indio Rhinoceroser Downey. You don’t even have to stay within the confines of modern animals, either. How about Indio Tyrannosauruser Downey? The possibilities are endless, and there’s got to be SOMETHING to make people forget that your first name sounds exactly like a name that Robert Downey, Jr. and his drug-addicted, homosexual lover came up with during a crack-induced, self-indulgent sexual hippie frenzy during one of Downey’s stints in rehab/jail.
"Jail is gonna be so sexy."
RDJ: “Oh my GOD that feels so good.”
Gay Inmate: “Let’s have a son together!”
RDJ: “Can we do that?”
Gay Inmate: “Our ass-love knows no bounds!”
RDJ: “Let’s name him Indio Falconer!”
Gay Inmate: “Shut up and take it!”
I imagine that’s how it went. Frequently.
Audio Science Clayton – This poor, poor boy is the child of Shannon Sossamon and someone nobody gives a shit about. Most people don’t even give a shit about Shannon Sossamon, and those who do know her probably only remember as the girl who lost her virginity, doggy-style and on camera, to a random frat boy who puked on her back while consummating the act, in the opening scene of “The Rules of Attraction”. Or, you may have seen her in the horribly-photoshopped promo poster for “40 Days and 40 Nights”.
She's only got a forearm growing out of her left shoulder
It absolutely looks like she’s violating Josh Hartnett anally while he just sort of stands there with a “Oh well, I guess I’ve got cock in my ass!” look on his face. It seems like someone wanted it to look like that, anyway. A drooling, helmeted window-licker could literally slap his dick against a calculator and come up with a better representation of that movie. Maybe the fury over how unbelievably out of place her arms and especially head are in that promo short-circuited her already-damaged brain (she was a model before she became an actress) and caused her to think a name like “Audio Science” was acceptable for her child. Or again, maybe she’s just a fucking idiot. I’m trying to give them the (albeit longwinded) benefit of the doubt.
Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q Hewson – There’s something to be said about strange names. It breaks up the monotony of the Josephs, the Michaels, the Juans, the Marias, the Jennifers, the Condoleezas. Let us also not forget that names used to be based solely on things like who your father was or what hill you lived on. Sometimes people were even named for what profession their family was in. Maybe that’s the rationale behind a “Pilot Inspektor” or a “Moxie Crimefighter”, or even an “Indio Falconer”. But NOTHING in all of these explanations can account for an Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q Hewson. This kid is the son of none other than Paul David Hewson, otherwise known as Bono. It can only be surmised that Bono, probably in a fit of the same insanity that caused him to start going around calling himself “Bono” (and his bandmate, “The Edge”), felt fit to name his child a name from the unholy depths of the Elder God Cthulu’s almighty asshole. Maybe whatever caused him to misname his child is the same force that’s been driving him to keep making “music” despite the fact that he hasn’t made anything worth listening to for about 15 years.
Maybe they’ll give him a mnemonic acronym nickname, like EBPGQH, pronounced “Ehbuhpuhguhquoh”. Or maybe he’ll just grow up with a shitty name, becoming so bitter and hateful that he actually travels from country to country, undoing all the Mother Theresa-y shit his dad did.
"Look out lads, I just laid a hell of an Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q Hewson back there."
So, just remember that no matter how much good you do in the world and how much money you spend helping starving kids in Africa, if you name your son some shit like “Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q Hewson”, you’re still going to be called a moron in public.
I actually suspect Bob Geldof had very little to do with the naming of his daughters… I have always thought that may all have come down to his ex-wife … I say this because Heavenly Hiraani Tigerlily Hutchence, is not in fact Bob’s daughter and yet still, she managed to get lumbered with a ridiculous name
You might be right, but all of his daughters have stupid names. Especially Fifi Trixibelle.
Never forget the classic Frank Zappa and his children Dweezil and Moon Unit. He set the standard by which todays pouty, spoiled wannabes can never measure up.
I figured everybody knew about them already, since I think Dweezil just turned 40 or something.
I dunno, I’l never forget the shock I had when my brother (five years younger than me) brought over a girl friend (before he married) and she was all “Wow, you gotta hear this really cool new band!!” And it was one I listened to in high school. She honestly thought their newest album was their first.
I make no assumptions of knowledge with the new gen.
I think I knew a dog named Fifi once…and a hooker named Trixie …
What the hell do these people think when naming their kids. I did’nt use EVERYDAY names for my kids but they are at least normal and heard of…
fuckin people I’ll tell ya
I knew a hooker named Fifi and a dog named Trixie. Also, I knew a stripper named Fifibelle Trixietwat. Okay, none of those are true, but my GOD these poor kids’ names!
It’s a mothers revenge for child birth. She’s not allowed to smack them herself so she ensures someone else will do it for her.
I just think that they are limiting their kids’ choices for careers. I mean, you don’t usually see someone named Pilot Inspektor working in a Post Office.
What rockstar was it that named their kid Speck Wildhorse? What about Courtney Cox’s child, CoCo? There were so many left out, I think this requires another blog. Good way to start the day, Kudos.
That was John Mellencamp. Is it Speck or Spec? I mean, there’s a HUGE difference there.
From now on when someone says the name Bono to me I am going to correct them by saying “Don’t you mean Paul David Hewson?” That way maybe people will see that his real name is just as douchey as his stage name and realize that he is a big fucking tool. And I am going to get t-shirts that say Paul David Hewson is a tool.
The name he gave his kid makes me hate him even more.
To the tune of “Farmer in the Dell”:
Bono is a douche
Bono is a douche
Hi ho the derry-O
Bono is a douche
You are so, so wrong about all this.
It should be “Hey ho, the merry-o”, not “Hi ho the derry-O”.
Srsly.
Excellent list. As far as Jason Lee is concerned I see nothing wrong with naming the child Pilot. I mean, John Travolta is a Scientologist and he named his son Jett and that young man turned out just…oh, wait a minute…
I’m naming my first child Bus.
Hmm, tricky. You’d have triplets then, as three would all come along at the same time. But then you could call them no. 9, no. 17B and “Not In Service”.
If you;re going to do that, go all out and name him/her “Short Bus”.
I didn’t really believe there were any worse than Apple. lmaooooooooooooooooooo wow.
I know Apple sucks pretty bad, but she could have named her kid “PC”.
Hey Mike is it? or is it just man with no sexual prowess? I think you are a huge, gigantic A**H**E!. Yeah, I admit most of the names that you have up there are pretty strange. However, I didn’t think it was necessary to assult Robert Downey Jr. First off get your facts right moron! His ex-wifes’ name is Deborah Falconer. She was a singer and would not take the last name Downey-hence Falconer as Indios’ middle name!(Her last name wasn’t eagle! or any other bird of prey!) Secondly, there really is not anything wrong with the name Indio as a first name. Robert Downey Jr. has stated it holds deep personal meaning for him and not in a druggy way either!!! You are just a rude an insulting individual. Naming your child something important to you is what you should do. “MORON!” Robert Downey Jrs’ sons’ name actually has a meaning behind it. Very few authors tick me off! However, you managed to! RDJ is living a clean life now – he has been since 2002. Get off his back! So, what have you done with your male lover lately?? Gee, just thought I’d ask?
Your mama.
Woah, dude. Wipe the sand out of your vag.
The best thing about this is I just checked that chicks e-mail and googled it and she goes around defending or commenting on just about anything where Robert Downey Jr is mentioned… stalker.
No I am not a stalker and my husband read your sh*t and thinks your an idiot with serious issues! I just don’t think people should judge others unless they know the facts first,that is inherently wrong. I didn’t know Mike needed a bodyguard to protect him. He seems to be able to handle his own business as an author and he answered me just fine. What I do in my personal life is none of your business! My comment was for Mike not you. You had no right to judge me or my 3 kids-they also post on my web site creep! Now whose a stalker and violator! Mike answered my comment. Apparently he can do his own job on his own and do it well without your nasty comments. Oh and by the way, next time you violate a familys’ privacy- make sure they don’t turn you in or the web site in for violation of privacy laws Mr. Bobby Finstock! My husband’s having you looked into for privacy violations against my family!
You could possibly be functionally retarded. When you leave a comment on a blog you leave your e-mail address in the form. Which you freely filled out numb nuts. I dropped that bad boy into google and found you commenting posts about Robert Downey Jr. all over the place.
You have mental issues, which makes it fun. Tell your husband thanks for reading.
BTW, “thinks your an idiot” it should be “think you’re an idiot”…. Who is the idiot now twat?
I guess you don’t need to know how to USE a computer in order to have one.
It seems that money is the elixir of reality.
I swear I see some celebs out with the kids, and the kids look more like accessories much like Paris and her tinkerbell. More like ego feeders than beloved offspring.
I want to become famous just to have a kid and name him Cactus Banana.
You forgot Jamie Oliver’s kids : Poppy Honey, Daisy Boo and Petal Blossom Rainbow.
Those are sure some bad names
Robert Downey Jr.’s kids name, although ridiculous, is partially explainable. His first wife’s last name is falconer so her maiden name became his middle name which isn’t entirely unusual. However, Indio is…
The name Apple Martin is made worse when you realize that they named the kid Apple because iTunes is the reason that Coldplay made it big. So, they named their kid after a corporation.
If you added an i on the end,her name would be Apple Martini.
I think that’s funny.
why isn’t michael jackson’s kid in here?
Who was it that named their kid “Bronx.” I thought that was pretty bad.
That was Ashley Simpson. It’s rumored she is expecting again, expecting the next one to be called Staten Island. Great comments btw. Some good reading here.
Over the last 10 years I have come to the conclusion that these are the names that they give the press. They have actually put sane ordinary things like Mary and Richard on their child’s birth certificates. The celebs use their kid’s “celebrity code names” in public so that when they are in school the other kids won’t pick on them and paparazzi won’t harass them by having them called to the office or something. Later, if the child wants to use that as a celebrity name they can, but if they would rather drop off the face of the earth and live a normal life they can do that too without having a moniker like “Apple Martin” to screw their lives up.
And let us not forget George Foreman and his kids:
George VI (aka Joe)
George V (aka Red)
George IV (aka Big Wheel)
Natalie
Leola
Freda George
George III (aka Monk)
Georgetta
George Jr.
Michi
I think this is an entire article unto itself.
Hey Mr. Finstock! You are an idiot!!!Twat!!! You also are a sick pervert that needs to stay away from my 3 teenage daughters ASSHOLE! You looked up my Google page-then you already know jerk that there are different girls names on there! My daughters and their friends all use it. My name is SHELLE you ASSHOLE!!!! Stay away from my teenage daughters mail you pedophile pervert and stop reading their private mail!!! So they like Robert Downey Jr.. They are all teenagers-big f**k**g deal. You are a functionally retarded pervert to talk that way about teenage girls. You and your ego don’t know as much as you think you do! Grown men and I use that term loosely don’t talk about teenage girls unless they are sick or depraved. Oh and I don’t think you should thank my husband for anything . He feels the same way I do. Since you think it’s so sick that our daughters’ post things about their favorite stars. That’s what high school kids do, stupid! Stop reading my teenage daughters’ mail! Your the one with mental issues, making fun of teenage girls. Gee, we would like to say it’s been fun but you just sound like a pervert to us! One that can’t stay the hell out of a familys’ personal life. That just makes you sick!
Shelle,
From one balanced internet individual to another, let me just say THANK YOU.
I’ve tried to use my wife and children as a scapegoat for my obsession with Paula Poundstone for years. I mean, seriously, sure she she has a criminal history with young girls, but that’s good news for those of us who’re looking for a MILF/underage threesome, amiright?
Once again, thank you for justifying my online battles.
God bless,
Rick
How does Googling your e-mail address and seeing your comments on numerous blog equate to going after your teenage daughters?
Where did I talk about teenage girls? I noted that you with your e-mail address go from blog to blog commenting about RDJ. It isn’t mail, it is all out there in public, in fact here is the e-mail address that anyone can google:
shellew@rocketmail.com
When you look at the evidence it is an easy conclusion to come to. So uh…. go away now.
I saw your email address, too, lady. It’s really easy. When you fill out a reply form on the internet, there is a spot to input your email address. If you do that, it means that people who moderate the site can see your email address. Nobody hacked into your email account. Nobody would WANT to hack into your email account. Who the fuck wants to see 5000 emails with photoshopped pictures of a naked Robert Downey, Jr. smacking you with his cock?
I don’t know which is better. The actual blog itself or your reply to this comment.
Whichever, this was pure gold sir. I’m glad I am back to read it.
[...] According to Pointless Banter… [...]
hahahahhaha whatta list :p
in indonesia we have one celebrity named his son
“MySon MyBoy Ale”
soooooooooooooo stupid!
Bronx Mowgli Wentz = Ashlee Simpson’s kid. Not just Bronx but Bronx MOWGLI.
fuck you armand’s left testicle, with your stupid-ass avatar!
What the fuck is a audio science what the hell was she thinkin? Thats the dumbest shit i ever heard
Falconer is Indio’s mothers last name.
“armands left testicle” HA!!!!!!!!! that was good and shelle I personally think you need a life and many others would agree with me
Lol, Ving’s real name is great!! How about Andy Dick?
about indio falconer downey.. the name falconer is his mom’s last name, actress and singer deborah falconer. indio goes to my school and ive met Rob quite a few times. he’s not that far off the deep end.
i think audio science should have been #1. ugh
what about bronx mowlgi wentz? thats a pretty awful name… but what can you expect from the ever so *spethal* ashlee simpson and hubby pete wentz?
[...] Ten Worst Celebrity Baby Names [...]
Hey he named his son Indio because that’s the town where he was convicted and if it wasnt for that he would probably be like heath ledger or dj am right now so leave him alone it has meaning to him and that’s not his middle name it’s his mom’s maiden name gah stop criticizing if you don’t know the facts
Reignbeau Rhames is very worst.
….and Shakespeare said
I’ll name my son IRONBALLS and later change it to BLUEBALLS once other kids know his name
.Anyway,If i ever encounter pixie or rainbow i won’t judge them by their names.
Hey! Did anyone mention that Robert Downey Jr.’s ex-wife’s last name was Falconer? No? Anyone? Hello? Is this on? I mean that really explains that whole “Indio Falconer” thing, right? I’d just hate it if no one mentioned that Robert Downey Jr.’s ex-wife’s last name was Falconer. I think it’s a pretty important insight into why his kid was named Indio Falconer Downey. Let’s say it one more time: Robert Downey Jr.’s ex-wife’s last name was Falconer. FALCONER. Last name. Of his ex-wife.
Also, Bob Geldof’s ex needs to be fixed. She apparently took a trashbag full of My Little Ponies and picked out a random 5 or six of them to name her kids. Sparkle Hooves Cupcake Princess or some shit.
Finally, that shelle bitch needs to be locked up. She’s the kind of person who would randomly punch some poor guy and scream that he was trying to rape her with his eyes or something. Seriously. Get some meds you crazy, crazy bitch.
I feel much better. Thank you. Great article, BTW.
Yes, Bobby and Armande, I feel your pain with the Shelle thing. Having been a police officer for over 20 years, I’ve seen the evolution from “Beer muscles” (talking smack while drunk)to “phone muscles” talking shit on the phone with no intention or ability to back up said shit talk, which has now evolved into “e-mail” and “text message” muscles. How dare you use a public internet search engine to research and nail this whacko to the wall on her BS? I’m sure you’ll find her defending the family of the balloon boy on similar blogs soon. Isn’t rocketmail like the section 8 of the internet providers anyway? Lucky for you guys I’m sure the wait for the next computer at the public library is a long one or she’d be able to post more often. Love your site.
most worst is this Dusti Rain Van Winkle.
yeah all are worst specially first 3.
Pilot Inspektor sucks.
i am even not able to read this worst name Fifi Trixibelle Geldof.