Stupid Match.com Ads
“I’m just a goof looking for my ball” – the words of a female Match.com user in ads that appear both on television and in print. Now, upon hearing that, most people would think something like, “Hey, I’ve got what you’re looking for, but there seems to be an extra one.” It’s also entirely possible that this woman is really just looking to date Tom Green or Lance Armstrong.
However, I think I’ve deciphered her cryptic message. She’s really just a lonely person, looking for a soulmate, with a really pretentious way of expressing herself. Instead of saying something that actually expresses what she feels, like “I’m fun and I want a date”, “I’m a silly person and need a man who can put up with me”, or “I’m a stupid white bitch who will lure you into a relationship with sex and then pressure you into marriage”, she said (and Match.com subsequently greenlit the ad saying), “I’m just a goof looking for my ball.”
I understand the need for corny-ass, clichéd marketing, especially when the demographic you want to reach is 25-40-year-old white women. Without that demographic, there would be no Progressive.com girl, would there?
I don’t know about everyone else, but every time I see this woman, my dick curls up and shrivels like an overcooked shrimp. I mean the jumbo kind, of course. NOT the little baby kind.
No, really, my penis doesn't look like this
But I digress. The point is that there are much, much better lines they could have used in that commercial that would have been just as effective. Here are some examples:
“I’m just a douche looking for my bag.” – Simple, to the point, and perfect for any Red Sox fan.
What my penis DOES look like
“I’m just a butt looking for my munch.” – This is the exact personal ad that brought Beavis together with his lifemate Butthead.
“I’m just an ass looking for my hole.” – I think pretty much everyone can relate to the latter part of that statement.
“I’m just a boznerx looking for my zelnanko.” – This one is exclusive to personals on the planet Fneenbnorf.
“I’m just a date looking for my rape.” – This was actually the personal ad Kobe Bryant took out behind his wife’s back. He had over 1 million positive responses.
“I’m just a cock looking for my sucker.” – This is purely mine. Any takers?
Have you seen the commercial or read the ad? Do YOU have a better phrase they could have used?
Insults against Kobe Bryant AND Red Sox Fans? Well done.
I’m just a twat looking for my twit? Give me time, the coffee hasn’t kicked in.
I like it. Sums up a LOT of the single people out there.
I’m still wondering why you aren’t dating Kevin btw…
Well, we just never really connected sexually. I mean, I like ass-sex, and he likes dressing me up as a clown and beating me with a Boar’s Head liverwurst log.
Oh, you were talking to her, weren’t you.
I try to sling my sports barbs like Gary “Bababooey” Dell’Abate throws, which is like a pee-pantsed 4-year-old girl.
My husband is a Red Sox fan. He may be a douche, but I am no bag. I secretly love NY.
That was just a completely gratuitous and unwarranted swipe at Red Sox fans. Maybe I should have chosen a more universally reviled group of people to make fun of, like people from New Jersey, or Canadians.
Or Yankees fans.
Sure, why not.
Oh and thanks for ruining shrimp for me. Now all I’ll think is ‘I’m eating Bobby’s dick.’ YUM.
Who’s Bobby, and what’s wrong with eating his dick?
I’m just a dick, looking for his head? It works on so many levels.
yes, and the level it mainly works on has to do with penises. Yoy for penises!
Kudo.
Judo!
I got nothin. I signed up for Match and haven’t logged in since day 2 because the responses were so goddamn horrible. I’m lonely but not desperate, thanks anyway. I kind of suspect I’ll be alone forever if that’s all Denver has.
I think you should advertise that you’re just a les looking for your bian.
I’m just a ball looking for a screw. I mean, my screw.
I’m just a screw looking for his balls.
I am just looking for my balls!!
No way, you know where they are. They’re all over “the Narrows” and every dead body on that board in Halo 3. You were a teabagging menace.
Wait… that Progressive lady ISN’T geared towards our demo? Dude, I spank it to her at least three times a week…
I think she should’ve said, “I’m just a nut looking for my sack.”
I would immediately respond to a match.com ad if the lady used a picture of her on all fours with a glove being pushed into her so she’s forced to sniff it.
To clarify, into her face.
What? Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
I am just a ship looking for his port; a bear looking for his cave; a gopher looking for his hole; a cock looking for his block. No, scrap that last one.
I was thinking of posting an add myself, but I am afraid my wife would reply… very awkward.
akward… not the word I would use. What would be more akward, is if she DIDN’T reply.
See… it’s awkward already.
I think she exactly meant “I’m just a goof looking for my ball.” With the ball being a guy that she kicks around, beats the shit out of, and then disposes of without any afterthought.
This post was funny, until I realize you’re prob a yankees fan looking for a win in a series or a cock in your ass…
I’m a Mets fan that hates the yankees but thanks for the typical idiot Boston reply.
I keep seeing this commercial and it always sounded to me like she was saying “I’m just a goop looking for my Bob!” I wound up here after googling it to see if it was like a movie reference I wasn’t getting or something like that.