The 6 Fattest Presidents in US History

Recently president Barack Obama ordered a big ol’ hamburger and caused an uproar amongst douchebag conservative types because he put Dijon mustard on it.  Me?  I was just glad to see the beanpole eat something.  I mean the dude looks like a post-concentration camp Will Smith.  I prefer my presidents to be on the portly side, thank you very much.  Afterall, they’re supposed to represent the average American, right?  And we’re all morbidly obese!   That’s why I’ve collected the 6 fattest presidents here for your viewing pleasure.  Betcha can’t guess who’s number 1!

6. Chester Arthur

Height: 6′ 2″

Weight: 220 pounds

Chester is a lightweight compared to some of the fatties on this list, especially considering his height.  But still, check out the double chin on the Chestmeister.  Thank God he added the muttonchops for that…slimming effect.

Fun Fact: In a tragic accident, killed White House cat fluffy when he mistook her for an hors d’oeuvres.

5. Bill Clinton

Height: 6′ 2″

Weight: 236

Slick Willy used to take a lot of heat for his weight back in the day, until his heart exploded and he was forced to drop some pounds.  Fact is though, he’s really not that much of a chunkster.  To use a talk show analogy, he’s more Tyra than he is Oprah.

Fun Fact: Stuck a cigar in a tubby intern’s cooch.  Sometimes this shit just writes itself!

4. John Adams

Height: 5′ 7″

Weight: 200 pounds

This cute little tub of guts was the full package: chunky, bald, moody, and emotionally unstable.  But WTF, he was the leader of the free world, so bitches, stand in line for you tiny sliver of John Adam’s sweet meats.  Adams had the last laugh too: he ate whatever the hell he wanted and STILL lived to be 90 years old.  SNAP

Fun Fact: John Adam’s 100 year old corpse was offered a role as one of the munchkins in The Wizard of Oz.  It declined.

3. Theodore Roosevelt

Height: 5′ 8″

Weight: 220 pounds

It is true that Theodore was a very active man throughout his life, but he went through long stretches of time when he ballooned up into a bonafide chubster.  Ted may have been fat, but judging by his obsession with killing things, chances are pretty good that he had a really, really small penis.

Fun Fact: Theodore’s most famous quote was actually misheard.  What he actually said was “Speak softly and carry a stick…of butter.”

2. Grover Cleveland

Height: 5′ 11″

Weight: 305 pounds

Forget chubby, Cleveland was just a straight up fat-ass.  Here are some true facts:

• His nieces and nephews called him Uncle Jumbo
• His weight caused him to suffer from sleep apnea
• He developed GOUT for chrissake.

Fun Fact: An entire team of workers was employed to clean the shart stains out of Cleveland’s parachute-sized undergarments on a weekly basis.

1. William Howard Taft

Height: 6′

Weight: 335 pounds

Holy Hell was William Taft fat.  He too suffered from gout and sleep apnea, but that was just the beginning of Taft’s health woes.  He also suffered from hypertension, constipation, and (here’s a shocker) heart problems.  Despite all this, he somehow managed to live to a ripe old age of 71.  William Taft, America salutes you.  Your next double quarterpounder’s on us brutha.

Fun Fact: As the above picture shows, Taft was the first and only president to have a gock.