"Maybe it was a dream, you know, a very weird, bizarre, vivid, erotic, wet,
detailed dream. Maybe we have malaria."

May
06

Kim Kardashian Sucks Ass

By: Bobby Finstock on 05/6/09 @ 7:54 am

Yesterday afternoon I received a message in my “professional” e-mail account with the following subject:

Kim Kardashian has subscribed to your FriendFeed

For those of you who don’t know what FriendFeed is let me explain it. Basically it is a geekier version of Twitter. FriendFeed is something that aggregates everything you do on the web and streams it. (Kind of like the Facebook homepage but with less crappy poles and other sites blended in.) So basically if you want to cyber stalk someone across multiple social networks, photo sharing, blogging, and social news site this is the way to do it.

So Kim added me. Well shit. I know that I am important (to meth addicts) but I didn’t know I was that important. Visions of celluloid ridden thighs, a low-grade porn tape, and Thanksgiving dinners with Brody Jenner began to race through my head. Then when I checked her profile I realized that she had added over thirty five thousand people that day, I was just a number to Kim Kardashian. Here I thought she thought I was hot, young, single, witty dude that was awesome in bed.

kardashianafter

I am just a number to Kim Kardashian and I had to come to grips with that maybe though we could be friends. Then I thought I would give her a chance and maybe follow her because she could be talking about some interesting shit. I mean this is Kim unfiltered. Here is a sample of her posts:

“hi”

“Bye bye NYC! Off to LA! I think I had an hour and a half sleep. I must sleep on the plane!”

“Heading to NYC now! Bye Bye New Orleans!”

“Morning twitterbugs! Today is the last day u can go out & buy my first UNRETOUCHED photo shoot in Life & Style Magazine! Go out & get it! Xo”

“VOTE 4 LIL KIM & DEREK TONIGHT ON DANCING W THE STARS ON ABC AT 8/7c 1.800.868.3401 or AT&T TEXT “VOTE” TO 3401. VOTE ONLINE AT ABC.COM”

I contemplated shooting my computer screen or jumping out the nearest window. There was nothing worth reading and just so you know Kim, cities can’t talk to you nor can they listen. (Maybe she isn’t talking to a city but a transvestite hooker named after a city?) But then I noticed something interesting. While Kim or I should say “Kim’s Staff” (no not Reggie Bush’s cock), subscribed to 35,597 people on FriendFeed yesterday only 268 people followed her back. (The fact that she used a bot program to do this is sad and pathetic.)  That means less than 1% of the people of FriendFeed gives a crap on what Kim has to say.

So in closing Kim… Nobody cares about you, please end your life and take your sisters with you when you do it. Or you can just get Chloe hammered and give her the keys to the family SUV.

Is there anyone that you could give a shit about their day to day activities less than Kim Kardashian?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

15 Responses to “Kim Kardashian Sucks Ass”

  1. Meghan says:

    I’m going to run right out and purchase those UNRETOUCHED photo shoot pics. It’ll make for a far more interesting dart game if I can aim for the ‘worthless media whore’ stamp across her forehead. That’s some powerful photo editing.

  2. clientsideshowbob says:

    Andy Dick comes to mind as someone I could care less about. And that pompous Bono too.

  3. Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore. And it’s not that I hate famous people on Twitter. I fear that I’m making way too academic a point for Pointless Banter, but when it comes to actors, I am interested in them for how they act. That’s it. So following their twitter seems stupid – these are people whose best lines are WRITTEN BY SOMEONE ELSE.

    However, I do dig following Paul F. Tompkins, Doug Benson, other assorted peeps because they write their own material (and are funny.)

  4. Uncle John says:

    jeez…Kim, Bea Arthur, Cloris Leachman, Karrie Palmer….just add Yoko and you are your generation’s version of Andy Warhol…except you only eat Campbell’s soup

  5. Marcie says:

    I don’t think i’d like to follow ANY celebrity twitter…i could give a shit less.

  6. Dave says:

    I was right there with you until you quoted the “unretouched” part. That’s 1 too many prefixes for Kimmy to handle at 1 time.

    Unless she thinks that “prefixes” is what one does before you have your dog or cat spayed.

  7. bethany says:

    Everytime I see Kim Kardashian, I hear the song “Gold Digger” in my head…

  8. Scott says:

    I think I will buy one of those Unretouched photos. That way when I wake up with a raging pee boner, I have something that will make it go down so I can take a piss without standing on my head.

    You want even more pointless, super-retarded twitting, check out Fred Durst’s twitter. It will make you want to chug Drano.

  9. suzanne says:

    I love it! Keep going and never stop!

  10. I would still do Kim Kardashian. And pee on her.

  11. Olivia says:

    To all those who have accussed me of being emotionless, I hate all Kardashians.

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