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When is it okay to drop the f-bomb in Home Depot?

By: Bobby Finstock on 05/4/09 @ 7:14 am

Last week I noticed that the flood light next to my stairs had gone out. Being the nice guy that I am I figured I would go to Home Depot and pick up a replacement bulb so my elderly landlord didn’t have to. I had to go there to get some folding chairs anyway for poker night so it wasn’t a big deal. But as always when I try to do something good for someone I get screwed in the ass by society. And just so you know society is the equivalent of a well-hung porn star… basically it is like John Holmes.

The light had corroded to the point where the markings were worn off so I wasn’t sure what size it was. Instead of just guessing and having to make a return trip to Home Depot I decided to wait to get some help. There was a nice gentleman working with a lady so I figured I could wait a second. After all patience is a virtue or something like that.

This lady had like seven different light bulbs in her cart and proceeded to ask 5-7 questions about every single light bulb. These weren’t the normal questions like: is this the right size, how many watts does it give off, how strong is the glass for when Bobby Finstock shoves one of them into my heinous gash? No she wanted to know about the energy rating, the environmental impact, are they easy to install (I shit you not), how much does she save if she buys 2, 4, 6…. (Note: When buying normal everyday products you don’t get bulk discounts for picking up two packages.)


After about ten minutes of this she badgers the guy for a light that they were out of stock on telling him to look in the upper shelves for the product. He said they didn’t have it because he had just stocked the shelf today but she pressed him to do it anyway. The gentleman had to walk away to get a stick to move the signage so he could look. When he walked away she turned to me and with her thick and horrible New England accent saying, “Sorry, I had to wait for him for a few minutes so you are going to have to wait your turn.”

First of all there was no reason to turn around and say something like that to me unless you are feeling a tinge of guilt and realize you are doing something wrong. Second, between the tone of her voice, the accent, the fact she looked right at me and saw me holding one bulb turned the situation from me waiting patiently but slightly annoyed to I wanted to see the roof collapse on her head.

The associate returned, checked the upper stock, and like he said the product was out. So she started asking about another light bulb. He stopped her and asked if he could answer my quick question. She looked at me, looked at him, and said, “No. This is my time.”

At this point I did what any person would do in the situation. I swallowed my tongue, counted to ten, and tweeted about it.

“I am going to choke this bitch in home depot….people are so fucking rude”

Where else can you bitch about what is going on in your life to thousands of people that don’t really care? The problem with modern technology is that it doesn’t make me feel better about the situation. It doesn’t fill my man like need to kill or really vent. So I let out a giant, “Are you FUCKING kidding me?”

She turned and looked at me. I didn’t have a follow up line that could appropriately express my anger while showing off my wit so I just went with, “You know what you are doing and you know you are wrong.”  The associate walked her further down the aisle, answered her remaining question, and returned profusely apologizing to me which he really didn’t have to it wasn’t his fault. He then answered my question in less than 25 seconds and I was off.

The silver lining to this never ending banal story is that after I finished checking out a girl came flying over from the service desk to talk to the front end manager bitching about a crazy woman at the service desk wanting a rain check for a light bulb. I overheard them talking about her and I chimed in.

Me: Was she wearing a blue shirt?
Girl: Yes.
Me: That bitch is crazy. I almost just choked her. Don’t give her anything…
Girl: We didn’t. She was kind of an idiot.

I walked away feeling like I had won a little bit. Sure she wasted 25 minutes of my life with a collection of the dumbest questions known to man and rubbed my face in it. But I got to drop the f-bomb in Home Depot and she didn’t get a rain check…. I consider that a moral victory.

When is it legal to choke someone in a public place?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

25 Responses to “When is it okay to drop the f-bomb in Home Depot?”

  1. Meghan says:

    It should most definitely be legal to commit acts of violence in a Whole Foods on a Sunday. People just standing around noshing free samples and holding PTA meetings in front of the dairy case.

    The fact that you managed to find ONE person actively working at Home Depot baffles me. I think when I go there everyone is out in Lawn and Garden smoking house plants.

    • Honestly I always get help at Home Depot when I go there. Never a problem.

      As far as Whole Foods… what do you expect? Look at the people that shop there.

  2. David S says:

    I work part-time at a Home Depot and I know there are horror stories about associates that work there (because to get hired all you have to do is pass the mirror test), but this customer is the classic Home Depot customer. Customer to customer confrontation occurs everyday and may I say it is AWESOME! You can’t even script the shit I see. I personal think you were a little light on her. The best I’ve seen is watching a lady get into her Lexus followed by a guy whipping his shopping cart at her vehicle at a speed of about Mach 1.5. Made my day.

    • I would have paid money to see the shopping cart incident.

      I guess when you mix small business owners and dudes doing construction with bored housewives bad shit is going to go down.

  3. tralfaz says:

    YOu know what I find interesting? That after all this time, John Holmes – dead lo these many years — is still the first person one things of when it comes to huge dicks of the non-boss variety. I mean, big-breasted women? A new one comes along every year or two to steal the porn spotlight. But Mr. Holmes remains a legend in the long schlong department.

  4. David says:

    I think there is no problem with the f-bomb there. There is rarely an employee to be found anywhere to be offended but at the checkout where they are all so willing to relieve you of your money in their typically surly mode.

    And as far as the other customers go – they are probably about to drop that same bomb in a fit of frustration.

    When Home Depot first came to the DC area, the stores were flooded with pleasant and helpful staff until they drove the home-grown Hechinger’s chain out of business – then all those happy helpful people were evidently sucked up into ufo’s and taken to a galaxy far far away.

  5. Marcie says:

    i am horrible in those situations. and when my friends are with me they tell me to shut up and deal, but i can’t deal with people who are stupid. dropping the f-bomb is OK anywhere that little old ladies or children are not present….unless its a little old lady or a child your dropping it at.

  6. Melissa says:

    Having descended from a family of contractors, and having married one, we’re all used to dropping the f-bomb in places like Home Depot, Lowe’s, et al with all the grace of a machine gun blast. But then I’m ignorant enough to have interrupted her mass stupidity with a “Dude, I have a job going on and need on f-bomb bulb, time is money, so help a b-bomb out.” And if the woman would have opened her pie hole she’d have gotten it – both barrels. Given my time of month probably in three languages.

  7. Vince says:

    I drop the f-bomb every time I go into Lowes or Home Depot. Everyone that works there is an incompetant idiot (when you can find one), the customers (including and especially contractors) have no common sense when roaming the store and will leave their cart in the middle of an aisle blocking anyone from coming through to look for something in another aisle. I hate that I have to spend so much fucking time in those stores.

  8. Melissa says:

    There is no wrongdoing with the f-bomb in public places, such as Home Depot. Realistically, had you not been feeling nice, you would not have waited 25 minutes before you verbally offended that bitch.

    Sometimes, you HAVE to drop the f-bomb on people. Especially at stores like Home Depot, Wal-Mart, the sex shop on Hwy 55, and etc.

    It’s part of human nature, I do believe.

  9. Karl Rove says:

    I think a simpler questions would be, when is it NOT okay to drop the F-bomb in Home Depot?

  10. E says:

    Oh man, people suck. I’m not sure it’s really ever “appropriate” to curse in public, but Home Depot is a good a place as any. Chuck E. Cheese would be a bad place. A bar, OK. The movies, not as good. The horse racing track, OK. Day care, not as good.

  11. C says:

    I was wondering what that status was about.
    I hate self-righteous douchebags.

    If someone has like 2 items and I’ve got about 20, of course I’m gonna let em go first at the checkout.
    And I HATE people that have their entire carts at the cigarette counter while you’re waiting for a single pack of smokes.

  12. kate says:

    Jesus. How you didn’t choke her, accidentally punch her, drop a lit cigarette on her blouse- I will never know. I would have broken a light bulb over her head.

  13. Dobie says:

    Huzzah! A small victory, yet a victory all the same! Congrats Kevo…

  14. Jimmy says:

    Well done

  15. Scott says:

    You did good, Bobby, you did good. People are much too sensative about the F-Bomb in public places these days, but they’ll sit at home and watch movies with plenty of it while their kids watch on.

  16. Em Em says:

    Not only was that an appropriate use of “fuck” but it would have also been an appropriate use of “you giant bag of moldy douche fluids” had you chosen to employ that as well. Just puttin that out there.

  17. That lady sounds like my mom.

  18. Roy says:

    ya its just as bad as trying to get gas or cigarettes and theres always that person who just barly gets infront of you and has to order 20 lottery tickets, and completey ignores your presence behind her and ofcourse the idiot behind the counter never says “let me help you first since you obviously have 5 bucks in your hand and want gas” but nope you have to patiently wait it out because the lottery is the most important thing in the world right??

  19. When is it not appropriate to to drop the F-bomb in home depot or any other giant hardware store? I applaud you for not dropping 30 F-bombs. Although I would have applauded louder if you dropped 30 in between ‘Jesus’ and ‘Christ’

    Old people are unnatural, if they were supposed to live as long as they do, they wouldn’t be so annoying.

    -Thomas Bewick

  20. Machelle says:

    Gosh, if she acts that way over a light bulb, I hate to see the way she would act if she needed a shovel.

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