Last week I noticed that the flood light next to my stairs had gone out. Being the nice guy that I am I figured I would go to Home Depot and pick up a replacement bulb so my elderly landlord didn’t have to. I had to go there to get some folding chairs anyway for poker night so it wasn’t a big deal. But as always when I try to do something good for someone I get screwed in the ass by society. And just so you know society is the equivalent of a well-hung porn star… basically it is like John Holmes.
The light had corroded to the point where the markings were worn off so I wasn’t sure what size it was. Instead of just guessing and having to make a return trip to Home Depot I decided to wait to get some help. There was a nice gentleman working with a lady so I figured I could wait a second. After all patience is a virtue or something like that.
This lady had like seven different light bulbs in her cart and proceeded to ask 5-7 questions about every single light bulb. These weren’t the normal questions like: is this the right size, how many watts does it give off, how strong is the glass for when Bobby Finstock shoves one of them into my heinous gash? No she wanted to know about the energy rating, the environmental impact, are they easy to install (I shit you not), how much does she save if she buys 2, 4, 6…. (Note: When buying normal everyday products you don’t get bulk discounts for picking up two packages.)
After about ten minutes of this she badgers the guy for a light that they were out of stock on telling him to look in the upper shelves for the product. He said they didn’t have it because he had just stocked the shelf today but she pressed him to do it anyway. The gentleman had to walk away to get a stick to move the signage so he could look. When he walked away she turned to me and with her thick and horrible New England accent saying, “Sorry, I had to wait for him for a few minutes so you are going to have to wait your turn.”
First of all there was no reason to turn around and say something like that to me unless you are feeling a tinge of guilt and realize you are doing something wrong. Second, between the tone of her voice, the accent, the fact she looked right at me and saw me holding one bulb turned the situation from me waiting patiently but slightly annoyed to I wanted to see the roof collapse on her head.
The associate returned, checked the upper stock, and like he said the product was out. So she started asking about another light bulb. He stopped her and asked if he could answer my quick question. She looked at me, looked at him, and said, “No. This is my time.”
At this point I did what any person would do in the situation. I swallowed my tongue, counted to ten, and tweeted about it.
“I am going to choke this bitch in home depot….people are so fucking rude”
Where else can you bitch about what is going on in your life to thousands of people that don’t really care? The problem with modern technology is that it doesn’t make me feel better about the situation. It doesn’t fill my man like need to kill or really vent. So I let out a giant, “Are you FUCKING kidding me?”
She turned and looked at me. I didn’t have a follow up line that could appropriately express my anger while showing off my wit so I just went with, “You know what you are doing and you know you are wrong.” The associate walked her further down the aisle, answered her remaining question, and returned profusely apologizing to me which he really didn’t have to it wasn’t his fault. He then answered my question in less than 25 seconds and I was off.
The silver lining to this never ending banal story is that after I finished checking out a girl came flying over from the service desk to talk to the front end manager bitching about a crazy woman at the service desk wanting a rain check for a light bulb. I overheard them talking about her and I chimed in.
Me: Was she wearing a blue shirt?
Me: That bitch is crazy. I almost just choked her. Don’t give her anything…
Girl: We didn’t. She was kind of an idiot.
I walked away feeling like I had won a little bit. Sure she wasted 25 minutes of my life with a collection of the dumbest questions known to man and rubbed my face in it. But I got to drop the f-bomb in Home Depot and she didn’t get a rain check…. I consider that a moral victory.
When is it legal to choke someone in a public place?