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May
01

5 things I fear more than the swine flu

By: Bobby Finstock on 05/1/09 @ 9:25 am

WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!! Of course we all are eventually. But if you have watched any cable news in the last week you would know that it is going to happen soon and it is going to be from swine flu. More people have died from being struck by lightening in the US than have died of swine flu but we need to ramp up the hysterics. (Thanks 24-7 cable news with nothing to talk about!) It cracks me up to think that if the outbreak stayed to Mexico we all would have listened to the 20 second news story which would be buried 18 minutes into the nightly news broadcast and just thought, “Meh… maybe it will clear up the drug cartel problem down there. I want ice cream.”

I have determined that there are actually five more things that I fear more than swine flu right now.

5) Getting HIV from playing basketball with someone wearing a Magic Johnson jersey

magic-johnson-ball-in-left-hand-posters

When Magic returned to the NBA a few players said they feared getting HIV from him if they sweated on by him, if he bled on them, or if he had anal sex with them while fighting for a rebound. (Maybe that last one wasn’t a reason.) Of course none of this was really possible but the fear and rumors were out there.  I will never play against him but the dangers could possibly be transmitted via his jersey.

I think though I have a better chance of getting HIV from playing basketball with someone wearing a Magic Johnson jersey than getting swine flu.

4) Heidi and Spencer procreating

heidi_montag-spencer-pratt-hungry-kid-taco

The idea that children will be born with giant teeth, plastic noses, and a disgusting desire to be the largest attention whores possible.

“Mom I am going to take my diaper off and shove shit through the screen door at about 11 am. Can you make sure the paparazzi are there so they can ‘catch me in the act’? Thanks babe, whip out your tit at noon and we will do lunch.”

Through there constant attention whoring they will come media moguls and eventually will enslave the entire human race through mind control.

3) Getting hit by a piano/safe that has fallen from an apartment window

un-falling-piano-symbol

Shit these things happen on cartoons… Cartoons are on TV…. And ANYTHING on television HAS to be true. (Except anything said by Glenn Beck. He makes Charles Manson seem well adjusted.)

I don’t know about you but the last thing I want to happen is to walk down the street and get crushed by a large object that 97% of America doesn’t have in their apartments anymore. But that is more likely to happen than me getting the swine flu.

2) Becoming retarded because I got vaccinated from swine flu

Apparently according to some people that are super intelligent:

vj-jenny6

There is a major link between autism and vaccinations. I don’t know if it is true or not but when a chick that posed naked in Playboy and has contributed such important things to my life like “Singled Out” well I know I should listen to and fear what she says.

So if it gets to the point where we all need to get vaccinated in order to prevent the spread of swine flu I worry that I could possibly become retarded and have to wear a diaper for the rest of my life because I was vaccinated.

(Note: If you have autism it does not make you retarded. But listening to Jenny McCarthy does.)

1) A Zombie Chuck Norris

chuck-norris-zombie
I think that threat speaks for itself. Not only would our way of life be endangered but the internet would implode when two stupid and annoying memes unite. Remember Chuck Norris jokes suck.

What do you fear more than swine flu?

About the author

Bobby Finstock

Finstock is founder of Pointlessbanter.net. He is known for his encyclopedia like knowledge on the life and times of Scott Baio. In the future he hopes to write again under his own name in order to impress the ladies and build his celebrity to the levels of other failed internet writers.

39 Responses to “5 things I fear more than the swine flu”

  1. Goodness Gracie says:

    I’m not so much afraid of a piano falling on my head as I am an anvil. Not that I’ve ever actually seen an anvil in real life, but they do seem to fall from the sky at the most inopportune times (at least in cartoons).

  2. C says:

    Ah fuck. Finstock I already have two unusual phobias, and now that Zombie Chuck Norris is at the top of my list. SO creepy.

  3. clientsideshowbob says:

    Let’s see – there’s the fear of dying at the hands of 100 11 year olds when you criticize the crappy acting/singing skills of (take your pick: Zac Efron, Miley Cyrus, Jonas Brothers). Or the fear of contracting some rare skin disease from an overzealous car dealer when you stop in the showroom (when all you want to do is schedule service for your old car). The Madonna child army will eventually be forced to fight the Brangelina brigade, and all those caught in between will certainly die a painful death.

  4. C says:

    Clientsideshowbob has a point. You’ve pissed off a LOT of teeny boppers with your popcrunch scripts!

  5. Scott says:

    SShhh, not allowed to call it “swine flu” or else nobody is going to eat pork chop biscuits at Bojangles anymore.

  6. I can’t worry about Swine Flu. I’m still freaking out over SARS. Or is it Avian Flu?

  7. Marcie says:

    all i can do is LOL

  8. Brad says:

    If there was a zombie chunk norris, we would have no worry for swine flu

  9. Stephanie says:

    I think #4 is definitely a valid fear. Those two need to be STOPPED.

  10. popurls.com // popular today…

    story has entered the popular today section on popurls.com…

  11. XD says:

    Yes a Chuck Norris zombie would be the most disasterous thing to happen to our universe. Chuck would roundhouse kick the brains out of everyone and then eat them.

  12. jinxywinxy says:

    Hahaha!Now THATS funny! Oh! Wait a minute, do you think zombie chuck norris could catch swine flu?

  13. [...] 5 things I fear more than the swine flu WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!! Of course we all are eventually. But if you have watched any cable news in the last week you would know that it is going to happen soon and it is going to be from swine flu. More people have died from being struck by lightening in the US than have died of swine flu but we need to ramp up the hysterics. (Thanks 24-7 cable news with nothing to talk about!) [...]

  14. cigar smoking, beer drinking lawyer says:

    Glen Beck makes my Dog seem like she should win the Nobel Prize.

  15. Art M. says:

    Things I fear more than the swine flu are…
    1. Ketchup on a hot dog.
    2. Styx or Boston making a comeback.
    3. More pro football players with dreadlocks sticking out
    from under the helmet.
    4. Beer costing the same as wine.

  16. Erick says:

    In light of the Swine Flu Pandemic and the media’s hilarious forced hysteria, A website, http://www.dillyeo.com, is selling an emergency swine flu survival kit. Everyone needs to see it, it’s hilarious.

  17. [...] disease the media seems to be touting it to be. As Pointless Banter’s Bobby Finstock writes in 5 things I fear more than the swine flu, "More people have died from being struck by lightening in the US than have died of swine [...]

  18. Erin Happycamper says:

    I think the chuck norris zombie scares me the most.

  19. David says:

    I can’t begin to tell you how many times I have barely escaped being crushed as a huge piano crashes to the sidewalk. It makes me shudder just thinking about it.

    Some would suggest that I live a blessed life of avoiding near misses but, in truth, I know that I’m just living on borrowed time until that one evil demonic piano sneaks up on me and squashes me like a bug on the windshield of a nascar vehicle in mile 473 of the Indianapolis 500.

  20. Melissa says:

    IRS agents covered in ticks carrying Limes’ Disease and West Nile. But never fear the pig flu – there is a sure fire way to tell if you’ve got it: http://doihavepigflu.com

  21. Lissa says:

    I’m more afraid of stupid people reproducing. :/

  22. asshole says:

    ur all assholes…u think ur so smart…ur just as nieve n blind as u ever were

  23. asshole says:

    can’t u see….they’ve found a way to wipe us out…we failed at maintaining our planet n not we must all perish…

  24. Jeff says:

    I’m most afraid of the Kendiru fish.
    What? Well look it up if you don’t know. You’ll be afraid too.

  25. Ares says:

    Heidi and Spencer procreating should be #1. She and I procreating would be okay, though.

  26. LightGrenade says:

    Well shit, I thought I wasn’t going to get to use my Y2K/SARS/Taliban shelter until 2012! There’s enough room for everyone.

  27. steve thornley says:

    My uncle died from swine flu and as for being unlikely to get it …. I’ve had it, my friends have had it.
    It’s a pretty common virus.
    And as for the quality of your blog; have you heard of spell check?
    I’m not even going to give this blog the dignity of giving it a rating.

  28. WERE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!!

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