WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!! Of course we all are eventually. But if you have watched any cable news in the last week you would know that it is going to happen soon and it is going to be from swine flu. More people have died from being struck by lightening in the US than have died of swine flu but we need to ramp up the hysterics. (Thanks 24-7 cable news with nothing to talk about!) It cracks me up to think that if the outbreak stayed to Mexico we all would have listened to the 20 second news story which would be buried 18 minutes into the nightly news broadcast and just thought, “Meh… maybe it will clear up the drug cartel problem down there. I want ice cream.”
I have determined that there are actually five more things that I fear more than swine flu right now.
5) Getting HIV from playing basketball with someone wearing a Magic Johnson jersey
When Magic returned to the NBA a few players said they feared getting HIV from him if they sweated on by him, if he bled on them, or if he had anal sex with them while fighting for a rebound. (Maybe that last one wasn’t a reason.) Of course none of this was really possible but the fear and rumors were out there. I will never play against him but the dangers could possibly be transmitted via his jersey.
I think though I have a better chance of getting HIV from playing basketball with someone wearing a Magic Johnson jersey than getting swine flu.
4) Heidi and Spencer procreating
The idea that children will be born with giant teeth, plastic noses, and a disgusting desire to be the largest attention whores possible.
“Mom I am going to take my diaper off and shove shit through the screen door at about 11 am. Can you make sure the paparazzi are there so they can ‘catch me in the act’? Thanks babe, whip out your tit at noon and we will do lunch.”
Through there constant attention whoring they will come media moguls and eventually will enslave the entire human race through mind control.
3) Getting hit by a piano/safe that has fallen from an apartment window
Shit these things happen on cartoons… Cartoons are on TV…. And ANYTHING on television HAS to be true. (Except anything said by Glenn Beck. He makes Charles Manson seem well adjusted.)
I don’t know about you but the last thing I want to happen is to walk down the street and get crushed by a large object that 97% of America doesn’t have in their apartments anymore. But that is more likely to happen than me getting the swine flu.
2) Becoming retarded because I got vaccinated from swine flu
Apparently according to some people that are super intelligent:
There is a major link between autism and vaccinations. I don’t know if it is true or not but when a chick that posed naked in Playboy and has contributed such important things to my life like “Singled Out” well I know I should listen to and fear what she says.
So if it gets to the point where we all need to get vaccinated in order to prevent the spread of swine flu I worry that I could possibly become retarded and have to wear a diaper for the rest of my life because I was vaccinated.
(Note: If you have autism it does not make you retarded. But listening to Jenny McCarthy does.)
1) A Zombie Chuck Norris
I think that threat speaks for itself. Not only would our way of life be endangered but the internet would implode when two stupid and annoying memes unite. Remember Chuck Norris jokes suck.
What do you fear more than swine flu?