Please Don’t Encourage Them: Celebrity Hobbies that Must Be Stopped.
People – women mostly – used to ask me how I manage to work in Hollywood when there’s a tall blonde supermodel actress waitress someone hotter than me lurking around every corner.
Simple, I’d tell them – it’s their job to sit and be pretty. (And occasionally act.) It’s my job to write. I wasn’t trying to compete because we’re not supposed to compete. Some people are born tall blonde supermodels. And then there’s everyone else.
However, I’ve noticed over the past few years that more and more celebrities are encroaching upon our personal space, those creative niches we’ve carved out for ourselves. Swine flu isn’t going to wipe out humanity: celebrity hobbies are. The problem is that we’ve gone from “I’m not a doctor, I just play one on TV” to “well, I once acted out a tracheotomy on ER so I’m positive I can take out your appendix with this paperclip and a fountain pen.”
It’s time to stand up to these oversized egos and tell them that just because they’re famous doesn’t mean that they’re good at everything else, too.
Please join me in my crusade against Celebrity Hobbies that Must Be Stopped.
1. The Musician.
Offenders; Billy Bob Thornton, Keanu Reeves, Jared Leto, Eddie Murphy, (Too Many To Name Them All.)
Billy Bob threw a hissy fit when his acting career was mentioned during a radio station interview in Canada last week. What’s his problem? Doesn’t he realize that no one listens to the radio anymore?
And it would be a crime against the Internet if I didn’t post this:
2. The Painter
Offenders: Billy Dee Williams, Jane Seymour, Peter Falk, Sylvester Stallone
"Oh Shit." Limited edition print available from Billy Dee Williams. This is not a joke, kids. The name of the piece is really "Oh Shit."
A friend and I were once having dinner with Peter Falk’s wife Shera, which is probably my most random name drop, ever, when she started talking about his art studio. You gotta hand it to him, she told us, it’s a totally legitimate reason to look at naked women all day. I desperately wanted to ask if he used his glass eye as an excuse to touch their boobs (”I only got one good eye, so I gotta get real close!”), but a) she was hysterically awesome and b) she was picking up the check.
Also: I refuse to call Sylvester Stallone “Sly.” It’s as if he used his nickname and the muscles and the art career so we wouldn’t notice that Sylvester is kind of a dopey name. SYLVESTER.
3. The Fashion Designer
Offenders: Sarah Jessica Parker, Chloe Sevigny, Jennifer Lopez
Usually when a star is dressed well, it means they have a good stylist. In Chloe Sevigny’s case, I don’t think anyone is going to take credit for her look.
I call this look "Skanky Holly Hobby."
It should be pointed out that in Sarah Jessica Parker’s defense, it’s probably not as difficult to pretend to be a fashion designer as it is to pretend to be married to a straight guy.
4. The Hot Sauce Maker
Offenders: Michael Anthony, Joe Perry
Did you know that Celebrity Hot Sauce Market was huge? Neither did I! Never in my life did I think to myself, “I wish I had something like the fat bass player from Van Halen in my mouth, but, y’know, spicier.”
5. The Scientist
Offenders: Kathy Ireland, Jenny McCarthy, Tom Cruise.
Why is it that I never tire of Crazypants McGee?
Tom Cruise knows psychiatry. Jenny McCarthy can cure autism. Kathy Ireland became a pro-life supporter in her 30’s “because of the science.” It didn’t have anything to do with her born-again Christian-ness. Listen folks, you look good in a swimsuit ’cause you won the DNA Olympics. It doesn’t mean you actually know what DNA means.
Honorable Mention: Novelist. I’m lookin’ at you, Boomer Esiason and Ethan Hawke.
Any more names to add to the list?
Ooh – what about bloggers. Yeah, I’m talking about Ashton Kutcher (among many others). Sure, he started with Twitter – but where will it end?
And do you think Bruce Willis, who follows Ashton, really wants to know the last time A plugged up Demi?
I have a whole rant on celebrity twitterers. Although Ahston “livestreaming” his annoyance at the neighbor’s construction crew and getting smacked down for it was pretty great.
I spent $1 on The Hottest State, and I wish I could have that $1 back. Sorry, Mr. Hawke, I’d rather watch you act.
im with you on the jarred leto thing. that man must be stopped
I really expected to see the celebrity “writers” at the top of the list. I get irked to no end every time a new celebrity writes a children’s book.
But autobiographies need an exemption, notably in the cases of porn stars like Jenna Jameson and Asia Carrera.
Let’s not forget the array of celebs who make their own “perfume”. Do I want perfume made by Paula Abdul? Britney Spears? Jennifer Lopez? Paris Hilton?
Answer: No. If I wanted to smell like a cheap skank I’d go to CVS and save myself a few bucks!
Conveniently, you can buy all those scents at CVS.
Great list. Funny stuff. I have to agree with all of it. Even the commenters’ suggestions. Jared Leto – don’t get me started! Grr. I have a real hate on for celebs who think just because they are told them can act, that they are artistic and can all kinds of creative art and it will be loved like their movies and tv shows. Listen, I don’t want to know what 99% of them do in their downtime or personal life. I like them well enough to tolerate them onscreen and pay to watch them pretend. They should be happy for the meager attention I pay them and leave it at that. But, sadly, we all know they can’t. There will always be over-achievers, over-reachers and overly deluded creatures who feel more of them is, well, better than just sufficient. More is more not less is more to them. Dumb-ass idiots.
Scottie Caan has a book of his photographs coming out soon, published by Brett Ratner’s publishing house. Run with that one a little. Remind me to tell you about The Busey’s hobby some time.
I don’t know if “getting coked out and accosting people” counts a a hobby…
Say what you will, but Paul Newman’s dressings are actually quite good (though I don’t know if he really created them himself originally). Also, Tony Bennett is a hell of a painter.
And if you had to be married to Sarah Jessica Parker, I’m sure you’d turn gay too.
“Listen folks, you look good in a swimsuit ’cause you won the DNA Olympics. It doesn’t mean you actually know what DNA means.”
This is the best line ever. Well played.
How about John Mayer trying to be a comedian?
Barack Obama hot sauce. I have seen it with my own eyes.
Barack Obama IS hot sauce. yum.
Don’t forget the Olsen Twins foray into clothing and fashion wear. All I can thik is why? No one wants to look at those anorexic, Boho, bag-lady freaks unless perfectly necessary.
Where does Lindsay Lohan’s line of self-tanning products come in? This is even more bizarre than clothing or fragrances. I’m waiting for celebrity cereal.
Flutie Flakes?
Oh God, forgot about those! Alas, I now have nothing to look forward to. This will make for an even duller rest of my life.
Great list! What about celebs acting as political advisors and international peacemakers? MAKE IT STOP! Just because you played the president in a movie once doesn’t make you the new Secretary of State…
How about comedians that in an effort to be taken seriously find it necessary to go all dramatic in what enevitably turns into a disastrous Hollywood bomb? Please, no more. Just make me laugh and get over yourself. You know who you are.
And on the subject of art. Was there anything more abysmal in the history of “art” than one of Red Skelton’s clown paintings. Truly astounding.
I enjoyed this post very much, but I am disappointed it didn’t mention any of Billy Dee Williams’ other paintings.
For example, you left out these gems:
“Fuck me!”
“Bugger it!”
“God Damn It!”
“Motherfucker!”
“What the fuck?”
“Oh Hell No!”
and
“Pretty Princesses Traipsing Through Fields of Daisies”.
I expect better from you, Slackmistress.