Celebrity Predictions!

As many people know, I became world famous for my critical movie writing, particularly my scathing reviews of such popular blockbusters as “The Curious Case of Benjamin’s Butthole”, “Muppets Take Tucson”, “Joe Lieberman’s Traveling Wacky Polka Troupe:The Concert Film”, and “Untitled Brak Film”.

However, before I gained such notoriety, I was widely known throughout the Borscht Belt for my celebrity predictions.  Without further ado, here is my return to my roots:

Matthew McConaughey – Will continue to somehow channel Wooderson from “Dazed and Confused” in every movie he makes.

Katy Perry – Will attempt to recapture the success of previous hits with racier tracks such as, “I Went Down on a Girl (and I Liked It)”, “I Blew a Guy in a Bus Stop (and He Loved It)”, and “I Gave a Stray Dog a Rimjob (then Shot Myself in the Face)” before fatally shooting herself in the face.

Heath Ledger – Will remain dead.  (Too soon?)

Miley Cyrus – Desperately tries to gain credibility as an adult actress by making the movie Hannah Montana: The Hooker Years.

Eddie Murphy – Will be visited and brutally raped and beaten by his younger, edgier, funnier self from the days of Raw.  He will survive, until he is visited by the ghost of Richard Pryor, who kills him with a marathon of Norbit, the Dr. Dolittle movies, Daddy Day Care, I Spy, and the Adventures of Pluto Nash.

Mel Gibson – After being viciously and financially ass-walloped in his divorce, Gibson surprises many by becoming a Scientologist, marrying a much younger, taller, skinnier actress, hiding her away, and pumping out a child with a strange name.  I may be confusing him with someone else, though.

Sascha Baron Cohen – Makes a movie where he plays a character that upsets real-life Americans, mostly Conservatives.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag – Who the fuck are they?

Lindsay Lohan – After unsuccessful relationships with men, women, children, dogs, bulls and steers, goats, beer bottles, tortoises, monkeys, rabbits, birds, the 9-11 Commission, Morley Safer, Devo, Nigeria, and David Blaine, Lindsay settles down with a vibrator known as “The Box Pummeller 5000″ and a four-foot pile of cocaine.

Rihanna – After ridding her life of abusive men completely, becomes a spokeswoman for an anti- domestic violence campaign.  Her career is cut short, however, when during the first commercial, the director suffers an overwhelming urge to beat her to death.

Chris Brown – Will be convicted and sent to jail for beating Rihanna, where he will be married in an unofficial prison ceremony to O.J. Simpson, and summarily have his throat cut when O.J. suspects Chris is cheating on him with a white boy.

Beyonce – Will be convicted and sent to jail for her horrible, horrible Nintendo DSi commercials.

Madonna – Will succeed in her bid to adopt a child from every little-known country in the universe, including Zanitflorpitania on the planet Gneenbnorf.  In 30 years, she and her army of multicultural children and grandchildren will conquer the Earth.

In all seriousness, however, this entry is dedicated to the memory of Bea Arthur, who died Saturday April 25^th, 2009.  She was a pioneer in television and had a great, great sense of humor.  She laughed at countless jokes about her being a man and even voiced a really raunchy version of her Golden Girls character “Dorothy” on Robot Chicken.